Maddie had expected to go to school today.

She'd expected to wake up, go to school, have pizza for lunch, maybe read a book during quiet class time, and come home to do homework. She'd expected a routine, monotonous, uninteresting day like every other. Unfortunately, that wasn't what her morning consisted of. Instead, what she woke up to...was blood. When she approached Lilian, who was still asleep, she was mortified of asking for help. Standing there, watching Lilian snore as she lay sprawled across her own bed, with Miranda laying beside her, she bit her lip nervously, pulled her fleece blanket up over her shoulders tighter and sighed, walking into the room. She approached the bed, reached out and touched Lilian's shoulder, gently shaking her until one of her eyes fluttered halfway open.

"Mmm...hey...are you okay? Is it time for school?" Lilian asked, until she saw the clock and realized it was still two hours until school started; now confused, she looked back at Maddie and asked, "are you feeling sick?"

"...I need help please," Maddie said, her voice shaky and scared, "...there's blood in my bed."

That got Lilian's attention. The day had finally come. She was just surprised it had arrived so early.

                                                                                ***

"What do you think about this?" Alex asked, showing John the image of the haircut she was thinking of.

"It's not bad," he said, biting into his apple, "it would frame your face really well."

"Yeah?" Alexis asked, pulling the brochure back towards her and continuing to look, "I...guess it could be okay."

John looked up and around at the other clients in the salon, here for various treatments. Coloring, washing, cutting. He started to think about Star, and his eyes wetted instantly. He shook the thoughts away and returned to focusing on his apple instead, while Alexis turned the page, still uncertain of just what kind of haircut to get. After a moment, she set the magazine face down in her lap, spread and open to the page she had been on, and looked back at John as she chewed nervously on her nails.

"You know, when I was a little girl, my mom used to cut my hair all the time," she said, "and one day, on the day she was supposed to do it, she had to work instead. She worked as a secretary for a really sketchy lawyer in a strip mall, and she didn't make much, so she had to take the hours when she could. Anyway, she left the job up to my father, who didn't know a damn thing about cutting hair. So he sits me down in this tall stool in the kitchen, and he starts doing it, but he's been drinking a bit, and after a bit, I feel this pinch, and then I see blood start coming down the front of my shirt from my neck. He'd nicked my ear with the scissors. Expectedly, I freaked out, and later so did my mother, and she did all my hair cutting again from then on. I haven't let anyone but her cut my hair since, so it's been....a few years since I've had my haircut, and now it's by a total stranger and I'm having feelings of intense anxiety over someone I don't know or trust getting close to me with scissors."

"Yeah but these are professionals," John said, "professionals don't make mistakes."

"Uh, Chernobyl?" Alex asked, making John chuckle.

"Okay, most of the time," he replied, "trust me, the girl who does my hair does is excellent, she won't harm you."

Alexis nodded, feeling a bit more relieved. She then went back to reading, as John's mind trailed off, thinking back to Star, and taking her to get her first haircut, post accident, and what an ordeal that had been. The second that someone approached her with anything remotely resembling a sharp object, thanks to the crash and the wreckage thereof, she absolutely flipped out and started screaming uncontrollably. John never took her to get a haircut again. Seems like, in some warped way, history was repeating itself. Just on a far less uncomfortable scale.

                                                                            ***

"This isn't a big deal," Lilian said as she and Maddie walked down the aisles of the superstore, looking for menstrual products; Maddie was nervously clinging to her, like a lost little puppydog, and Lilian kept patting her on the back, adding, "it really isn't, this sort of thing happens to almost every woman. It's scary at first, maybe, but after that initial shock, yeah. You get used to it."

"I really don't like waking up in a bed of blood," Maddie replied, making Lilian smirk.

"Yeah, I get that. Thankfully I don't have to work today, so I can help you get through this," she said, "you'll be okay."

They walked a little further, passing by a mom with two kids, one in the shopping cart and the other, a daughter about Maddie's age, holding onto the shopping cart and talking endlessly. Maddie looked at the ground as she walked and sighed. She was growing up without her parents. She had Lilian, and she loved her for having stepped up when someone needed to, and she was appreciative that she wasn't alone, but in this critical life changing moment of her adolescence, she didn't have her mother, and that stung a little. But she would never let Lilian know that, she figured that sort of information would break her heart, seeing how hard she was trying.

"You know," Lilian started again, as they turned a corner and headed down another aisle, this time the correct one, "when I got my period, my mother didn't talk to me for a few days because she felt like her little girl was grown up now. But some blood coming out of you doesn't dictate anything. It's just a biological sign that shows your body is capable of new things. Doesn't change your mentality in the slightest, not unless you let it, and I certainly didn't let it change me."

Maddie looked up at her and sniffled, nodding, smiling. Lilian ran her hand up into Maddie's hair and scruffed it a bit.

"And if you're anything like me, and it seems like you are, then you won't let it change a thing about you either. You haven't let anything else change anything about you - not even things that should theoretically drastically alter a person - so why should this?" Lilian added as they finally arrived at the correct aisle. As they headed down, Maddie seeming extremely hesitant and nervous, she couldn't help but also feel a sense of belonging and safety because she had a grown woman with her who cared, and would help her get through anything.

"What...should I get?" Maddie asked, and Lilian shrugged.

"They're all basically the same, except for branding; just pick stuff and I'll tell you what I think," Lilian said.

As she felt Maddie finally let go of her, and headed further into the aisle herself, she felt a weird sense of pride. In a way, it was as if she were making up for her own poor childhood by being a better mother to Maddie than either of theirs had ever been to them. Lilian knew her mother wasn't terrible by any means - flawed, certainly, but not terrible in the slightest - but she never wanted to make Maddie feel alone or confused or forgotten. And if there's one moment that no girl should ever have to feel those things...

...it's the moment they enter womanhood.

                                                                             ***

Alexis, seated in a chair, looking at herself in the mirror, felt anxious.

The woman cutting her hair was a tall, leggy woman in her 40s. She had long albeit bundled up blonde hair and seemed to be gathering the right brushes and shampoos required for the full salon treatment, while Alexis watched her him and haw and shashay around behind her in the mirrors relfection. She chewed absentmindedly on her lip and thought about how she hadn't hair a haircut in so many years, and how nervous this made her. Surely this woman wouldn't hurt her, even on accident. Sure accidents happen, nobody could deny that, but this was a professional. She wouldn't steer her wrong, right? John sure wouldn't, and he's the one who suggested her, so she felt like she was in good, capable hands.

"So, what do you think you want?" the stylist asked, causing Alexis to tense up.

"Uh, I...I don't know. I've never before been asked what my preference for a cut is," she replied, "I grew up with my parents cutting my hair, so they just did whatever they thought was fine. I've never had think about having a say in the matter."

"Well, you do now," the stylist responded, chuckling, "I saw you looking at the magazines while waiting, did you see anything you liked in there?"

Alexis shrugged and thought about it for a few moments, then exhaled.

"I like the idea of having bangs. I don't like my forehead. I wanna hide it. And maybe make the ends curled a bit; nothing really outstandingly noticeable, just somewhat curled, you know? I like simple hair. I don't...I don't wanna look that different," Alexis said, mumbling at the last part as the stylist patted her on the shoulder and got to work.

"I can do that for you," she said.

And as she did her job, and as Alexis watched herself transform even just the tiniest bit in the mirror before her, she started to feel a little bit more in control over herself. For so long, something else was controlling her. Her parents, the drugs, Vera. But now, here she was, making the decision of what to look like, and getting that sort autonomy, when you've never had it before, was exhilarating. She started to crack a smile, and by the time the stylist was done washing, color treating and cutting, Alexis liked what she saw in the mirror.

Which was the first time in her life she didn't hate the person looking back.

                                                                             ***

The front door to the apartment unlocked, and Lilian and Maddie entered to find an already cooking Miranda come from the kitchen, surprised and somewhat confused. She hadn't expected either of them back this early. She watched Maddie, plastic bag of supplies in hand, head to her bedroom while Lilian collapsed on the couch and Miranda seated herself on the coffee table in front of her, watching her.

"Okay, so I know it's your day off, but...what about her? Why is she home? Did she get sick at school?" Miranda asked, and Lilian ran her hands through her hair, exhaling.

"She got her first period today," Lilian said, and Miranda's eyes widened.

"...oh," she said, "wow, uh, that wasn't the answer I expected. Wow. Alright. So...so you took her to get what she needed?"

"Mhm," Lilian replied, sniffing the air, "what are you cooking?"

"Spare ribs," Miranda said, "they're not ready, but you if you could go make the potatoes, I'd be grateful for the help."

Lilian smiled and nodded, leaning forward and placing her hands on Miranda's face, kissing her before getting up and heading into the kitchen. Miranda, once Lilian was out of line of sight, got up as well, but headed towards Maddie's room. She entered and noticed Maddie sitting on her bed, wrapped fully in a blanket with just her face peaking out. As Miranda shut the door, their eyes locked and Miranda walked in further, seating herself on the bedside.

"Hey," Miranda said, "I heard. Are you okay?"

Maddie just shrugged, not even looking at her.

"...look," Miranda said, "I'm probably not the best person to discuss this with, because I...I've never had one, I'll never know what it's like to have one, but I wanna tell you something, okay? You willing to listen to me?"

Maddie nodded, still not speaking or looking her way.

"...they say it's painful, and I don't doubt that it is, but...it's also considered a rite of passage. The moment you transition to womanhood is marked by this occasion, societally anyway. The pain you'll have to endure once a month is just...I mean, I've spoken to women about it, it's ungodly unfair. That being said, I just want to tell you how lucky you are."

That got Maddie's attention. She finally turned her head to look at Miranda, her face contorted in a confused expression.

"Excuse me?" Maddie asked.

"Yeah, cause...listen, uh...this is gonna be hard to explain, but I'm gonna do my best, okay? From the other side, someone who isn't seen as a woman by a large majority of the population, everything I do has to be even more performative to femininity than a woman such as yourself, or Lilian. And while women have to put in an overabundance of effort to begin with, it's innate for the most part. You're taught it. Girls like me...we're not taught anything. If anything, we're told the opposite. To repress it. Ignore it. I have to take medicine every single day of my life in order to look even remotely the same, to have the same hormones as any biological woman, and that's on top of surgeries - which, fairly, not every woman like me cares to have - and while that's all exhausting, it doesn't stop me from dwelling on the things I can't have. While, yes, I can get myself close to the view of myself that I've always seen and want to project, I can never, no matter what I do, have things women like you have."

Maddie sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve, listening.

"I'd give anything in the world to endure the pain of periods, because...because to endure the pain of everything else I have to is so much worse, and daily instead of monthly," Miranda said, near tears, "and I'm not diminishing what you're gonna go through with this, but..."

Maddie leaned in and hugged Miranda tightly around the waist, both of them crying. Miranda didn't even have to finish. Maddie understood. There's varying degrees of pain to womanhood and each had to fight to get through it. But at least they had one another. Womanhood came with sisterhood, that was the important part to remember.

"We're both just learning to be women," Miranda whispered, stroking Maddie's hair, "and when it's effortless, it's like magic, and those are the times to be happy about it."

Maddie herself felt very much like Miranda. Sure, she was born a girl, but her mother had never given her tips on how to act, how to be the sort of performative that society expected; she knew next to nothing about what was expected from young women. She didn't know how to do makeup. She didn't know how to use tampons until today. She didn't know anything. So maybe it was good that the best person available for her to learn was someone who also never knew. At least they had that much in common.

                                                                           ***

The door to Star's room opened and she looked up from the floor, where she was sitting cross legged doing a large piece puzzle. As the door swung open more, John entered and shut the door behind himself. Star scrambled up from the floor and threw herself against him, hugging him tightly, making him laugh as he hugged her back.

"Hey kiddo!" he said, "wow, what a greeting!"

"You got a haircut," Star said, pulling away and looking at her father, and he nodded.

"Yeah, nothing serious. You doing a puzzle? You want help?" he asked as she sat back down and went back to the puzzle. John seated himself on the opposite side from her and watched.

"I don't need help! I'm a big girl," Star said as she went back to picking up the pieces and focusing on her puzzle once more. John smiled and nodded. She was, indeed, a big girl. There was no arguing that. So he sat there, and he opened the fast food he'd brought and they both ate in silence, just enjoying one anothers company. He'd dropped Alexis back off at the clinic after they'd had a small snack after the visit to the salon, and that was when he knew he should come see his daughter today. Alexis reminded him so much of the person Star would've been had she not been in the accident, though hopefully sans the addictive tendencies (though, who was he to judge, he'd been an alcoholic and drug user once himself).

"What is this puzzle?" John asked, picking up the lid and looking at it.

"It's of daddy," Star said, as he smiled, noticing the image on the box was of a clown.

He laughed, Star laughed, and that laughter was the only sound they needed to fill the silence.

"There's one thing nobody tells you about surviving an overdose, and that is that sometimes, instead of relief, you feel regret. Not for having tried, but for having not succeeded," Parker Harrison said; he was sitting in a chair, his neatly trimmed beard reflecting light and his black square glasses resting gently on his nose as he leaned forward, hands on his knees, a posture only taken by well meaning fathers as he added, "because for every person you hear about who says they're happy they failed, there's just as many who are upset they failed, and I think those people need to be heard."

"But I didn't...try to deliberately kill myself," Alexis said, "I didn't. It was an accident, honest to god."

"And I believe you, but even an accidental overdose can create mixed feelings about the aftermath," Parker replied, "do you ever feel regret for still being here?"

That was a question Alexis didn't want to answer, because, yeah, on one hand she did. But it wasn't for the reason of having survived an accidental overdose. It was for so many other reasons. Her failed relationship with her parents, her failed relationships in general, her inability to keep Vera and others around her happy and her inability to be happy herself. But none of those were a direct result of what had happened. Those things had been largely prevelant long before the overdose. Parker leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs.

"Can I go do my physical therapy now?" Alexis asked, and Parker shrugged. Alexis groaned, and then, gripping her crutches, stood up and hobbled out of the room. Once outside she leaned against his door and exhaled deeply. She hated that man with a seething loathing only reserved for teenagers towards their peers. Something about his do goody natured attitude didn't jive well with her massive feelings of general cynicism. She heard someone walking down the hall towards her and smiled as she saw John approaching, holding a bag from a fast food restaurant.

"I take it therapy is over?" he asked, "You want some lunch?"

"Please," Alexis remarked, "I am starving."

Alexis Lafayette didn't like being in the hospital, but at least she had someone bring her better food than what they served, and she figured that was sort of a silver lining to surviving an overdose.

                                                                            ***

"How's it fit?" Lilian asked, as Maddison looked at herself in the mirror.

"It's not too tight, it fits good!" she replied, "why do you even have something in this size?"

"This is what I used to do some fairy tale themed pageants in," Lilian said, sitting down in a chair behind Maddie in front of the mirror and brushing her hair gently, "I figured it would fit you, and look at that, it still does. It's nice to have things that can still be used. Plus I don't know that I could afford anything really good as a replacement, nor do I wanna use cheap costume store crap."

"Do I get a tiara?" Maddison asked, and Lilian smirked.

"Yes, you get a tiara, don't worry, I have spares," Lilian said.

This was the first job Maddison had ever been invited to help her with, and it was the first time in her career that Lilian was playing the queen and not just the princess. In a way, it was kind of like passing the torch to a new generation, letting go of her trauma and, from it, budding something healthier. Lilian hadn't even been told what the job was, just where it was happening and that she'd need some help, and she was more than happy to bring Maddison along with her for the ride. Ever since taking her in, while her father recovered properly, Lilian had really fallen into a mom role, something she'd never seen for herself before, and she had to admit...

...she kind of loved it.

                                                                               ***

"I wish people would believe me when I tell them that it wasn't intentional," Alexis said, biting into the tacos that John had brought as they sat outside in the hospital garden; she chewed, swallowed then added, "like...if you overdose or nearly die in some way that could potentially be misconstrued as non accidental, everyone automatically assumes it's non accidental. It just...it makes me so mad. Yeah, I'm unhappy, but I'm not suicidal."

"Isn't it nice how much attention it gets you though?" John asked, chuckling, making her smirk as he picked up his plastic cup and took a sip of his root beer through the straw before continuing, "I mean, everyone is always so nice to you after such an event. Even though they should've been nice to you beforehand to prevent such a thing, but whatever. Humans are short sighted creatures."

"I wish I could just walk properly again and get back to my life and my apartment and my job, which I'm assuming I still have all of," Alex said, and John nodded, picking up a taco and taking a huge chunk from it.

"Yep," he said while chewing, nodding, "absolutely. Been watching over it for you, keeping it clean, and Vera's kept you on the payroll, giving you PTO."

"That's unexpectedly generous of her," Alex muttered.

The conversation then fell into a lull as the two continued to eat in silence for a bit. Alexis started thinking about the night it had happened. How it had happened. She'd even considered from time to time that maybe, subconsciously, it had been intentional. Vera had given her so much shit throughout the year about her drug use, and then John had tried to show her how to be a rehabilitated person after such a long time as a user, and then with the lack of a family...Alexis might've just not cared about the intake that particular night. The last thing she could remember was lying in the bathtub and staring at the ceiling and just feeling such warmth wash over her, but not from the water. Such a euphoric feeling that it made her feel alive again.

John glanced over at her and reached out, offering her his drink, which she happily took and sipped from. Even if that was the case, she still hadn't wanted to die. She wasn't suicidal. She was just reckless. There was a big, big difference, and she wished that difference could be more recognized. As she handed his drink back to him and sighed, she reached up and pushing her bangs back from her face, realizing just how long it'd been since she'd had a haircut or participated in anything remotely 'ordinary' to everyday life. She turned to John and looked down at her shoes as she spoke, almost in a whisper.

"Can you take me to get a haircut?" she asked, and he nodded.

"Absolutely!" he said, "I'll take you to my barber, they're the best."

That made Alexis feel a little better. Maybe this was a new start for her. Maybe she could finally be better, not just for others, but for herself. After all, who needed family when you had friends.

                                                                             ***

"I didn't know you'd be here," Lilian said, exiting her car to find Tyler leaning against his own, drinking from a can of juice. He eyeballed Lilian before turning his view to Maddie, who ran ahead of them to look at the house they were in front of. He then lowered his voice and spoke.

"You brought her?" he asked.

"I was asked to, actually," Lilian replied, "Vera's personal request."

"That's a weird one," Tyler said, shrugging, as they headed up the walk. The front door opened and a woman was standing there, in an old fashioned button down blue dress. Lilian and Tyler hesitated momentarily, before heading closer as they watched the woman kneel down to Maddie's eye level, exchange some words, then pat her on the shoulder and let her enter. As they reached the door, Lilian smiled and bowed to the woman, which made her have a confused look on her face.

"May we enter?" she asked, and the woman exited the house, pulling the door shut behind her.

"I don't need adults," she said softly, "I only needed a child. That's why you specifically were requested."

"Then...why are you here?" Lilian asked, and Tyler looked away, grimacing. He wasn't telling her something, and she didn't like the feeling it put in the pit of her stomach. Tyler put his hand on Lilian's shoulder, and gently walked her away from the door, over to the swinging porch bench where they sat down. He exhaled, scratched his forehead, and then spoke.

"So I didn't understand why you were bringing Maddison, Vera just told me to show up because you would need company," he said, "I figured it was a normal party. I didn't know it was going to be...whatever this is."

A moment passed as some kids rode by on bikes, their parents walking closely behind them, chatting amongst themselves. Lilian sighed and rested her chin on her knees.

"...this isn't a life," she said quietly, "this is just...existence. This isn't a career I want to spend the rest of my time alive doing. I like it, don't get me wrong, but more often than not lately I've found myself kind of...wanting to do more. Wanting to do better. Do more good in the world or something. But then I think about what I'm actually qualified for, and my options are real fuckin limited."

"Right now your biggest concern isn't even your job, but just taking care of Maddie," Tyler said, and Lilian nodded in agreement. He had a point. Maddie, at this moment, needed a loving pseudo parent, and Lilian was hell bound on giving her that. Everyone deserved a childhood, and Maddison had had enough of hers stolen from her already. In fact, today would be yet another day where she was faced with something kids her age shouldn't be faced with. As Maddie walked down the hall and towards the last door on the right at the end, she could feel a sense of unease. She slowly pushed the door open and, much to her surprise, found a very pretty room. Pink fairy string lights hung across the ceiling, lovely floral curtains, and stuffed animals from wall to wall, or so it seemed anyway. And there, laying in a beautiful old brass bedframe, snuggled beneath a plethora of quilts, was a girl about her age.

Maddie stepped hesitantly inside, despite how warm and inviting the room itself appeared to be. As she approached the bed, the girl lying in it rolled her head on the pillow, their eyes meeting. In fact, now that she had a clearer view, she looked at least a year or so younger than Maddie, and this made Maddie feel even more unnerved about what she'd walked into. Maddie pulled a chair from a nearby table closer to the bed and sat herself down on it, before pulling the tiara off her head and polishing it, then placing it back atop herself. She cleared her throat and spoke.

"Hello," she said, "I'm Princess Maddison, and I'm here to-"

"I know why you're here," the girl replied, her voice, weak, raspy.

"You do?" Maddie asked, "...could you tell me?"

"Because I'm dying," the girl said.

                                                                             ***

John was walking Alexis back to her room. It was getting late, visiting hours were almost over, and he had to leave soon. Alexis also had some self reflecting to do for her next therapy session, so she needed the time alone. As they reached the door to her room, Alexis opened it and then turned around to face John, who was still sipping the last of his soda through the straw.

"...do you think I need to talk more in therapy?" Alex asked, and John furrowed his brow.

"Well, I mean, that is kind of the whole point," he said.

"Yeah, but I'm not even in therapy for the right reasons. They assume I tried to kill myself, so I'm there on a trumped up charge, and really the only kind of therapy I actually currently need is physical therapy, which, might I add, I'm doing great at."

"I can tell, and I'm very proud of you," John remarked, "but it couldn't hurt to open up and discuss some things. You won't talk to anyone else, even me really, about your life, or your past or whatever. So maybe talking to a professional could go a long way. You never know."

"...does Lilian ever ask about me?" Alex asked, her voice lowering, and John reached out and put a hand on her shoulder.

"All the damn time," he replied, "that girl is your best friend, and she was extremely broken up over what happened, and continually asks me when you're coming back. The only reason she can't come see you personally is because...well..."

John sighed and walked past Alex, entering her room and sitting down.

"Between what she saw as a child and what she's helping Maddison deal with, I don't think she is good around death or hospitals," he continued, "and who could blame her? That's a lot for a woman in her twenties to have dealt with. I think, though, that's why you get along so well, same with me. Can't speak for Tyler, don't know the guy well enough, but as far as the three of us are concerned, we've all been dealt some shit, whether it's a rotten upbringing or the loss of loved ones or witnessing a traumatic event, and we've all survived. You find solace within those around you who have also been dealt a harsh blow, you know?"

Alex nodded, entering and sitting on the bed across from the desk John had seated himself at, as she listened.

"So don't hold her accountable for not coming to see you. She cares very much, but she also has to care about her own well being, and frankly...I don't like being here either, but I personally can't let you be here alone. You don't deserve that. But please don't take her non visitation as disinterest. I assure you, she's extremely interested."

Alexis smiled weakly, nodding. John stood up, walked over to her and kissed her on the head before giving her a little hug, telling her he'd be back tomorrow and then heading out. He had one more hospital to visit before he could go home for the day, and he had to be there before visitation ended as well. Seemed like all he did anymore was visit girls he loved in hospitals.

                                                                               ***

The ride home was....uncomfortable, to say the least.

Lilian knew Miranda would be there when they got back to the apartment, likely making dinner, but she felt like Maddison needed to talk. The entire time driving back, Maddie hadn't been her usual, spunky energetic self, and this concerned Lilian. Lilian finally pulled into the parking lot of a nearby donut shop and stopped the car as it started to rain lightly outside. She rolled the windows up and shut the car off before unbuckling her seatbelt and turning to face Maddie, who looked all but confused.

"Okay," Lilian said, "first of all, you have to know I didn't know anything about the job. I was just as surprised as you, and Tyler didn't know anything either. All Vera told him was that he needed to be there to keep me company. But you can't bottle this stuff up, believe me, you don't...you don't wanna do that."

"I'm not bottling, I'm processing," Maddie replied, sniffling, "I just...it's weird to think there's kids my age or younger who die. You always think that it's older people, no offense-"

"I'm not old! I'm like 27!"

"-who are the ones who wind up dying, but that isn't the case. As my party proved, it can happen to anyone. But it feels wrong, doesn't it? It feels...unfair. And I guess the world IS unfair. My mom tried to kill my dad. That's unfair. So I guess I should just get to it and never-"

"Okay stop," Lilian said, putting her hands on Maddie's shoulders, forcing her to look at her, as she added, "you can recognize the unfairness, yes. You can...you can absolutely recognize it, even yearn for better, but do NOT let it consume you. There is more good than bad in this world. Yes, your mother tried to kill your father, and yes that kid died at your party, but look at what positive things have come from that. We met, and now you're living with me. Isn't that a silver lining? Far be it from me to be a positive role model, but...if there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that, sometimes you have to do that, no matter how outside your comfort zone it might be, because if you give in, if you let the sadness win, that's when you end up down a dangerous path and you're much too young to end up like me."

Maddie and Lilian's eyes were locked, and she could see Lilian was holding back tears. Here was a woman who clearly cared for her well being, who'd stepped up to be a mother figure when she most needed one, and that made Maddie smile. She leaned in and hugged Lilian, who happily hugged her back.

"The world just has bad things," Lilian said softly as she rubbed Maddie's back, "but that doesn't make it a bad place."

                                                                             ***

Alexis entered Parker Harrison's office the following day for therapy, and before he could even speak, she raised a hand as she seated herself on the couch. Parker nodded, understanding, and sitting down in his usual seat as Alex exhaled, looked down at her shoes and then spoke.

"I didn't try to kill myself," she said, "but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I'd never act on it, but the thought has occured to me before, specifically when I was younger and living at home, and in fact, had I not managed to escape, who knows what I might've done. All I know is that I don't want to die, and I'd never try, and this was an accident because I'm not careful enough."

"...fair enough," Parker replied, crossing his legs and listening.

"Growing up with my parents...we weren't very wealthy at all, and we struggled a lot of time to have enough food for everyone. I had two sisters, and sometimes it felt like my folks could see the obvious failure I was going to be because they invested, openly, brazenly, far more time and interest into my sisters than they ever did in me. That really hurt, but it pushed me to show them I could survive and manage on my own, something I've been doing for a good while now. The drugs...they were just..."

She paused, chewing her lip.

"...they were an escape from the fact that I could't feel anything for a long time. I couldn't trust anyone because I couldn't trust my parents, and if you can't even trust the people who brought you into this world, the people meant to love you, then who CAN you trust, right? So my paranoia about others grew, and my detachment emotionally to them was something I hated. I wanted desperately to feel something, anything at all, and the drugs did that for me. But now...now I know I have friends who care and love me, and I don't need that. I don't want to go back to it. But rest assured, in spite of all of what I have said, please let me make it excessively clear that I did not. try. to kill myself."

A moment passed, as Parker thought about what she'd said, and then grabbed his pad off his desk along with a pen and sat back down.

"I believe you. Tell me more about your parents," he said, "please. I'd like to know what you think of them."

Alex sighed. She needed that reassurance, that belief, that she hadn't tried to die on purpose, because she hadn't, and the thing she hated most was not being believed when she was more often than not never lying. And so Alexis started to tell Parker all about her folks, her sisters, her adolescence, and she started crying while she did, and she felt something, for the first time in her life, without the use of drugs.

And she never wanted that to go away again.

"Sweetheart?"

The voice did nothing to snap Maddie from her stupor.

"Sweetheart, will you look at me?" the voice asked again, and this time Maddie finally looked up; kneeling in front of her was a nice older woman with a bob haircut, smiling gently as she asked, "is there anything I can get for you? Anything you want at all? Are you hungry?"

"...I'm a bad person," Maddie mumbled.

"You are not a bad person, Maddison," the woman said, putting her hand on Maddie's knee, "you were given an awful choice, and you made the right decision. You saved your fathers life. If anyone is a bad person here, it's your mother, alright? Now, your father will be okay, he is resting right now, but they're going to want to do more tests later. Why don't you sit here for a bit, and I'll go get you something to eat, okay? Something good and fun, like fast food?"

Maddie smiled and nodded, appreciative of the womans help. As she watched the woman walk away, she looked back down at the floor and kicked her feet, which now were beginning to reach the ground. When had she gotten so tall? When had she grown up so much? She was so busy looking after her parents she was losing track of her childhood. Maddie heard the sounds of heels walking across the floor in front of her, and recognized them. She looked up and saw Lilian.

"Lily?" she asked, causing Lilian to stop in her tracks, back up and come back to Maddie.

"Maddi, honey, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"...I called the cops on my mom," she whispered, "...what are you doing here?"

Lilian didn't know what to tell her. Does a child even understand what an overdose is? Sure, Maddison was intelligent, but...no. She needed to be honest with her. No other adult was.

"Alexis had an accident," Lilian said weakly, kneeling in front of Maddie's chair, "uh, we don't know how she's gonna be right now, it could...it could be bad. It's so nice to see you though. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing."

Maddie leaned in and hugged Lilian, and Lilian hugged her back, and together they cried. Just two sad, scared little girls lost in a big, mean world.

                                                                             ***

John was sitting next to Alexis's bed, his face on the sheet, his hand cupping one of hers tightly. Alexis was unconscious, an oxygen mask over her face. The door opened, and John roused from his light nap, wiping at his face with his other arm as he glanced around, noticing a very well put together woman about Alexis's age entering the room. She looked identical, and it made John confused for a moment. She was dressed in a button down short sleeve floral blouse and high waisted jeans.

"Can I help you?" John asked.

"I'm Geena, I'm Alex's sister," Geena said, "...who are you?"

"I'm John, I'm...I'm the one who found her," John said.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Geena said, "I'm surprised they let you in here."

John looked at Alexis and smiled.

"...I wasn't about to let her be in here alone," he said quietly before glancing back at Geena, "...did they call you?"

"Mhm," Geena said, "I'm her emergency contact, being her twin and all. But it's not like we see one another often enough to really warrant that being a thing. Can you tell me what happened? Nobody would tell me anything, they just told me where she was."

John sighed and rubbed his face, hating to relive it.

"Um," he started, "...I was...I was going over to her apartment to make dinner for her, and when I got there, the place was empty, so I started picking up for her and I...I took some clothes into the bathroom and dumped them in the hamper, and I...I noticed that, uh, that the floor was wet, so I thought something had flooded, but when I looked around, I realized she was in the bathtub and was almost drowning. She had clearly taken something. I dragged her out, and..."

He couldn't keep going, he just started crying and Geena quickly stood up and walked over to John, patting him on the back.

"Hey, shhh, it's okay, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but it's okay. You saved her," Geena said, "okay? Think about the good you did. I know it's hard to push the horrors from your head, but still."

"she can't die," John said through sobs, "i can't lose another one."

Geena didn't know what that meant, but she didn't need to. She recognized deep pain when she saw it, working as a therapist after all, and she knew what he needed was comfort, not questions. She hugged him, and John turned to cry against her, finally letting go of Alexis's hand. That was the thing that Geena knew most of all, was that men needed to cry, and the world often didn't allow them to.

                                                                                 ***

Tyler entered Vera's apartment, his arms full of takeout from the place down the street and around the block. Since they had the day off, he figured they could spend it inside, eating, relaxing, watching movies. Something they rarely got to do. As he shut the door with his foot and placed the bags on the kitchen counter, he noticed Vera sitting on the couch, her face frozen, her cordless phone at her feet. Tyler walked over to the couch and picked up the phone from the ground, then looked at Vera, confused.

"Vera? Babe?" he asked.

"...I killed her," Vera whispered.

"What?"

"Alexis is in the hospital, she OD'd," Vera said, still facing the same way, never once making eye contact, "...I killed her."

"Is she...?'

"No, but...but she could, and it'd be my fault," Vera said, "all I've done lately is harangue her with my morals, and...and who says my morals are even right? Who am I to tell her how to live? And now I'm saying this after what's happened, like that excuses my actions the last few months. Like you only learn a lesson once it's too late or something. I wasn't hating her, I was trying to protect a business, but that...that's disgusting. I was putting the sanctity of a company above the safety of a friend. I know the company is important to us, it's our livelihood but..."

Vera finally looked at Tyler and shut her eyes, shaking her head.

"I don't think I can run this anymore," she said quietly, starting to cry. Tyler sat down beside her and rubbed her back, kissing the side of her head, his voice low and calming.

"It's okay honey," he said, almost whispering, "we can find someone else to run things, okay? You need to step away and focus on yourself, okay? You'll be okay, I promise. We'll be okay. I'll help you through this. You don't have to navigate it alone. We'll do whatever needs to be done to make things work."

Vera smiled as she laid her head on Tyler's chest. She was so lucky to have someone so good love her. But everytime she closed her eyes, all she saw was Alexis. She was never going to be able to forgive herself if she actually died.

                                                                                ***

"What?" Lilian and Maddison asked in unison, both shocked at her the womans statement. The woman from earlier had returned with food for Maddie, and while she was sharing her fries with Lilian, the woman had told them that, in a brief moment of wakefulness and lucidity, Maddison's father had asked Lilian to take Maddie until he could get out of the hospital and recover.

"Considering it's a direct request from her father, we have to honor it," the woman said, "if you don't mind, ma'am."

"I...no, I...I don't mind, I'm just shocked is all," Lilian said, "I'd have to make some adjustments, it's not like my place is exactly kid ready, but...we could make it work."

"And you're okay with this?" the woman asked, looking at Maddie, who nodded eagerly as she bit into the burger the woman had brought her; the woman smiled and nodded, "alright then, I'll go get the paperwork started."

After the walked away, Maddie looked at Lilian, who was sipping absentmindedly on the drink the woman had brought back, when she noticed Maddie looking at her. The girls stared at one another, neither one sure of what exactly to say in a situation like this. After a few minutes of chewing and sitting and thinking, Lilian finally sighed and tossed her hair.

"I guess I gotta get you a bed," she said.

"I could just sleep in a dog bed on the floor," Maddie said, making Lilian laugh.

"Holy hell, I only JUST got custody of a kid, please do not make CPS look into me this fast," she said.

"Can I get a pet?" Maddie asked.

"Okay, that's it, I'm finding someone else to take you," Lilian said, both of them laughing.

Meanwhile, in Alexis's room, John and Geena were still sitting in their respective seats, the only sound filling the silence was the sound of the machines Alexis was hooked up to. John ran his hand through his hair and exhaled, while Geena filed her nails in her chair, her legs crossed. John leaned back in his chair and checked his watch.

"Did she ever tell you she almost drowned when we were kids?" Geena asked.

"Huh?"

"Did Alexis ever tell you she almost drowned when we were kids?" Geena asked, "we were at the beach, cause we were kinda poor and the beach was free so we went a lot. Anyway she was rescued by this lifeguard, and she had been under the water so long she nearly drowned from the water she'd swallowed. I remember standing there, watching this poor teenage girl trying to save my sister, and just thinking to myself 'what does a twin do if one half of them dies?', cause even though we'd never been particularly close, we were still twins."

"...what...why are you telling me this?" John asked.

"Cause I find it kinda ironic that she almost drowned again," Geena said, "I know she OD'd, but the fact that she did so in a bathtub is...I don't know...so beautifully circular? I'm thankful you found her though. I don't want my sister to die. I just wish I'd been around more so she would've trusted me enough to talk to about her drug problems."

"She doesn't have a drug problem," John said, "people have a problem with her using drugs. That's the issue here."

Geena smirked and nodded, admiring this strangers determination to defend her sister.

"If she has to date someone, I'm glad it's someone as considerate as you, even if you're a bit older, cause-"

"What?" John asked, laughing, "we...we are NOT dating. No. I just..."

John looked back at Alexis, smiling as he chewed on his thumbnail.

"...she's like a daughter to me," John said, "that's all it is. I'm sick of seeing young girls hurt by the world, and I decided I wouldn't let it happen again. She deserved to have someone love her, and since nobody else seemed interested enough to do the job, I guess I took the offer."

Geena was surprised. The way John had acted, had spoken, she had really expected him to be Alexis's boyfriend. Sure, the age gap was weird, but who was she to judge? They were consenting adults. Alexis was in her twenties. She was a grown ass woman. But to hear his motivations were even more pure than she'd expected? That certainly threw her preconceptions for a loop.

"...thank you," Geena said softly, "thank you for caring about my sister."

"Trust me, it's my pleasure," John replied.

                                                                             ***

Lilian opened the door to the apartment and let Maddison inside. Miranda was already there, cooking, when she noticed them come in. She stepped away, apron on and everything, and was surprised to see Maddie. Maddie ran to put her things in the spare bedroom, as Lilian stopped and looked at Miranda.

"...so, let me get this straight," Miranda said, one hand on her hip, "I ask you to go out and pick up garlic, and instead you bring back a 9 year old?"

"Alexis is in the hospital," Lilian said, "I was going to the grocery when I got the call, and so then I went there and while there, I found Maddie. She turned her mom into the cops for poisoning her father. Until her dad gets better, he's asked me to take care of her, so I guess I have a kid now."

"Well then you need to start dressing like a mom," Miranda said as Lilian threw a small plastic bag at her, which she caught and grinned, "awww, you got my garlic anyway?"

"Picked it up on the way home," Lilian replied, plopping herself down on the couch. Miranda put the garlic on the counter then joined her on the couch, putting one arm around Lilian's shoulders and laying her head on her as Lilian sighed and continued; "...all I wanted to do was make sure she was okay. I experienced something awful at her age, and it traumatized me for years. I wanted to make sure that didn't happen again. But she...she's better off psychologically than anyone else I know. Well, maybe not Stinko, but. Now she's here, living with me."

"Are you worried you won't be able to handle the responsibility of caring for a child?" Miranda asked.

"Actually no, I think I'll handle that just fine. After all, I've spent my life making kids happy. That isn't the problem," Lilian said, "the problem is I didn't expect any of this. But I guess I also didn't expect you either, so maybe the unexpected is the stuff I should embrace."

Miranda blushed and kissed her on the cheek before getting back up to continue cooking. As she headed back into the kitchen, Maddie rejoined them in the living room, sitting on the couch now where Miranda had been. Lilian looked at her.

"You all settled in?" she asked.

"It's kinda dark in there," Maddie said, "Can we get a night light?"

Lilian chuckled and nodded, patting her on the head.

"We can do whatever it takes to make you comfortable," Lilian said.

The one thing Lilian swore to herself was to make sure she never treated Maddie the way her own mother had treated her. Maddison was a person unto herself, and she deserved to be respected and listened to. And, of course above all else...she would NEVER make Maddie do beauty pageants.

                                                                           ***

It was later in the evening, and Geena had gone home, promising to be back tomorrow. John was still in his seat, reading a magazine about home and garden renovations that Geena had brought with her, his other hand still holding Alexis's, when he finally felt her squeeze it. He put his magazine down flat on his lap and looked at her. Her eyes were barely open, but she was smiling at him.

"Thinking of doing putting in a flower garden?" Alexis asked, making John laugh as she asked, "...have you been holding my hand?"

"I haven't let go of you since they brought you in," John said.

"...that's so sweet," Alexis whispered, coughing, raspy.

"Just try not to talk, okay? You're gonna need a lot of rest and recovery," John said, "don't worry, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere again, okay? I won't let you be alone again. Are you hungry, do you want something to eat? Actually, I don't know when you can start eating. I'm not sure you can even eat solid foods for a while, you might have to be on a liquid diet of some kind. Like you need the help, you're thin as hell as it is, lord knows you need some-"

"John," Alexis whispered, getting his attention again.

"Yeah?"

"...just hold me," she added, and he nodded, leaning onto the bed, resting his forehead on hers and stroking her hair softly.

"Whatever you want, baby girl," he said.

A few moments passed. The beeps of the machines once again filled in the cracks between the silence.

"I'm going to legally adopt you," John said, and Alexis started crying, smiling.

"Okay," she replied, "I think I'd like that."

It was going to be a long road to recovery for Alexis, but thankfully, she had John by her side, and lord knows if anyone knows how to lighten the mood even in the worst of times...

...it's a damn clown.

"We are not leaving this room until you two hash things out, because this has got to stop," Tyler said.

Tyler had dragged Vera down to Alexis's, and then stood himself in front of the door with it locked. He was determined to get their problems co-existing under control, because, quite frankly, Stinko was right. Things had gotten out of hand and it was beginning to affect those around them. Vera was seated on a little stool, while Alexis was on the couch, fidgeting with her fake nails. Neither one had said nary a word since they'd been put in this tiny space together, and Tyler didn't see that changing for a while. But god dammit, he was determined. He'd stand here all night if he had to. Someone had to get Vera to cool her jets, and he figured that that someone was most likely to be him.

"Well," he said, sighing, "I'll start then, if neither of you are interested enough to do so. I'll be the adult for once and take the first step. Vera, why are you so adamantly against Alexis in almost every conceivable way one could be? What, really, has she done to hurt you? She hasn't damaged the companies reputation. She gets her work done, the kids love her, and that's all that matters. There's been virtually no complaints, save one overprotective mother who was more likely just a bitch than someone with an actual legitimate concern, so where do your issues with her lie?"

Vera shook her head and looked at her feet. Tyler sighed and scratched the back of his head, beginning to pace around the room. Alexis leaned back on the couch and crossed her legs.

"Okay, let's try it this way then...Alexis, why do you think Vera hates you?" Tyler asked.

"I could easily give you ten reasons right now," Alexis said, "but the biggest issue isn't why she hates me, but why she hates this particular version of me. When I was sober for a little while, she loved me. She was thrilled for me. She kept recommending me. But as soon as I do anything remotely associated with making myself feel anything at all again, she has the audacity to treat me like less than a person. So what do you have against what I do, Vera? That's the question."

Vera chewed her lip and thought about responding. She knew if she opened up about this, it would open up more about herself. Things about herself she wasn't sure she was ready to face, let alone have others know. Was it finally time to talk about these? Maybe, she thought, if it could help save her friend, it would be.

                                                                             ***

"Dad's getting worse," Maddie said, sitting in Lilian's car outside the diner, parked in the parking lot.

"Yeah but is his getting worse proven by efforts of your mother to make him do so?" Lilian asked, "that's the real question here, because we've been over this before. You and John have been over this even. Could be delirium, could be them trying to turn you against one another. Could be a million things. Do you think you have any proof she's doing anything?"

"No, and that's what sucks," Maddie said, slumping in the passenger seat, "if she is in fact doing something, she's doing it really well. And what if she is, but I can't prove it, and he dies and then I go the rest of my life being unsure whether he died cause of mom or not. What then?"

Lilian sighed and shook her head.

"I...I really don't know, honey," she replied quietly, "I wish I could tell you what to do, what the right answer would be, but I can't. I just don't know enough to make a guess. Do you have any reason to think your dad might be lying to you? Has he ever lied to you before? And has your mom?"

"Dad never lied to me," Maddie said, "...mom, though...mom's made a bunch of promises she's never kept. She's lied to me about a lot of things. Promising she'd take me somewhere, help me do something...do you think that's indicative of a possible secret?"

"That's a big word for a kid your size," Lilian said, smirking, "but it could be. I think you need to talk to your dad. I think you need to just sit down with him when she's not home, and just get any kind of answer out of him that you can. He's the only one who's going to be able to give you a concrete kind of proof."

"And what do I do if it's true?" Maddie asked.

A moment passed. Neither one spoke.

"...we'll figure it out," Lilian said, patting Maddie on the shoulder, "We always do."

                                                                           ***

Where to start?

Well, Vera thought, perhaps she could begin with her brother. How her brother had met a girl who, like Alexis, enjoyed using drugs fairly liberally and rather casually to increase the pleasure of life, and how she got her brother into it too. She could talk about how her brother became more addicted to the girl, who - after surviving a frightening period of near death - got her life together, quit doing her extracurriculars and then failed to help Vera's brother. She could talk about how her brother continued on this downward slump until the girl decided it was too dangerous for her to continue being around him, even in a helpful manner, because she could potentially fall back into it herself. She could talk about finding her brother dead on the couch. She could talk about how her parents had never gotten over their grief. But what good would it do? Alexis didn't have family. She'd never lost anyone to this sort of thing. The empathy that may come from such an admission would be, if nothing more, than base pity instead of recognizable recognition. She had to do it in a way that made Alexis feel important, not ancillary. Vera took a deep breath, and finally spoke.

"I'm scared you might die," Vera said, "I'm afraid that, one day, you'll be found here, in this room, OD'd, and they won't be able to save you. You're an extremely funny, talented, ambitious young lady and I'd hate to see that kind of shining light taken by something that you should have control over, not the other way around."

"Young lady? We're like the same age," Alexis said, chuckling.

"I don't hate you," Vera said, "I really don't, and I'm so sorry if I ever said I did or you ever got that impression from me, because it is so not the case. If anything, I care about you more than anyone else in this company. That's why I'm so bitchy, cause I'm so scared of something happening to you."

"I'm safe," Alexis mumbled, "I'm safe about what I do. It's recreational. I know what it is I'm doing."

"That may be so, but it doesn't mean it's not dangerous," Vera said, "you have to recognize that, even with knowing what you do, even with doing it fairly safely, it'll never BE 'safe'. You'll always be at risk of something going wrong."

Alexis leaned back into her couch, reaching up and running her hands through her hair as she chewed on her lip. Her eyes went from Vera to Tyler, who nodded at her, smiling, before heading back down to Vera. Vera, it felt, was finally being honest with her, and now Alexis didn't know how to respond. How does one act when a relationship that is nothing but combative suddenly becomes anything else? She just didn't know. She didn't know how to be friends with someone who so clearly, to this point, acted like she didn't want to be friends with her.

"I appreciate your honesty, and I appreciate you worrying about me," Alexis said, sitting upright now, "but, and I say this with the upmost confidence in myself - something I rarely have - that what I do I do safely, and I would never do it on the job. I am a user, not an addict. There is a distinct difference between those two things."

Vera nodded, listening.

"...I don't have a lot," Alexis said, motioning with her hands around her apartment, "but what I DO have is the ability to, for even just an hour or two, escape my sad sorry reality and feel sorta normal. It's nice. I'll never be better than this, and I've accepted that, so I take my little joys where I can find them. This is where I've found them. I'm sorry if that makes others uncomfortable, but it's the only thing that makes me comfortable. I'm glad you don't hate me though. That is nice to know."

Vera smiled, and Alexis smiled back. Tyler sighed, feeling relieved for the first time in months. If nothing else, they could perhaps walk away from today with the knowledge that they aren't enemies, even if they aren't friends. For Tyler, that was more than enough progress from one meeting.

                                                                                  ***

Maddie crept into her parents bedroom and flicked the bedside lamp on. She climbed up onto the bed and sat beside her father, who was breathing weakly. He opened his eyes and looked up at her, his chest rising and falling slowly, his eyes so empty of color. Maddie bit her lip to keep from crying when he tried to smile at her. When Lilian had dropped her off tonight, Maddie had taken her advice and decided - since her mother wouldn't be home until later - that she could utilize this time to get information from her father, maybe.

"You're not gonna get better, are you?" she finally asked.

"Not if things don't change," he replied weakly, his voice raspy, "she's keeping me sick."

"You're not lying to me, are you?" she asked.

"Why would I ever lie to you? I know I haven't been the best dad, I know I work a lot, but I'd never lie to you about anything," her father said, "...Maddie...how many times since I've been back from the hospital have I gone back to the doctor?"

Maddie thought for a moment, then looked back at her father, scared.

"...zero."

"Exactly, and that doesn't seem weird to you?" he asked, trying to sit up but coughing in the process; he continued, "I mean...if I wasn't getting better, wouldn't that mean I should go back? Have tests run? But no. I'm here, in this bed, and the only person who's been taking care of me is your mother. I know home life has been rough, especially since the party, but Maddie I need you to trust me, please. I'm going to die if you don't."

Maddie stared at her father, her eyes filling with tears. He made sound points, and he wasn't getting better which only further proved those points. That being said, if she did what he wanted...and she was wrong...her mother could be facing unfair charges. Then again, as Lilian had made her realize earlier in the day, her mother had lied to her a dozen times over while her father never had.

She was just a little girl.

She shouldn't have to save her family.

                                                                            ***

John couldn't make up his mind.

Standing in the chip aisle at the grocery store, he was beginning to realize just how much time and effort these days went into understanding the difference between chip variations, and how stupid it all was. He set his basket down by his feet and picked up two bags, trying to compare them, when he heard someone coming up behind him. He looked to his side and saw Lilian standing there, holding a basket of her own. They smiled at one another for a second, before he went back to chip analyzation.

"Didn't realize we shopped in the same places," Lilian said.

"I actually normally don't come here, but the store I usually go to is having renovations done," John said, "a section of their roof collapsed, so now I'm forced to seek food elsewhere."

"You could just become a hunter/gatherer," Lilian said, shrugging.

"Do I look like own a loincloth?" John replied, the both of them chuckling; he tossed one bag into the basket, then said, "besides, not all of this is for me. I'm picking up food to make for dinner and I'm gonna cook Alexis a meal. Poor girl looks like she doesn't eat well, so I figured it's up to me to rectify that."

"How dadly of you."

"I do what I can."

"What are you making?" Lilian asked.

"Not really sure just yet," John said, "I tried calling her a few times, but she didn't pick up. She must've been busy. Regardless, it would've been nice to have had some input from her, but I guess instead now I'll just have to guess and hope what I do is something she'll enjoy. And if she doesn't, I'll order in and I'll take what I cooked home to eat. Just wanna give the kid some company."

Lilian liked how John acted towards Alexis. She knew Alexis's family had been rather distant with her, and she knew she spent most of her time alone, so it was nice to know that someone out there was acting parental towards her, even if she was in her twenties. John and Lilian said their goodbyes, and John went to finish his shopping. Eventually he headed to checkout. He paid, carried his groceries to his car and started to drive over to Alexis's. She had given him a key the night of the Clownies, after he'd dropped her off at home, just in case, so he could easily get in without her. when John got inside the apartment, all the lights were on, so he knew she was here. He piled the grocery bags onto the counter and then sighed, shaking his head, hand on his hip as he looked around the room. He began picking things up, tidying after her.

"Hey kiddo, I'm here to cook something!" he shouted, but to no response.

He gathered up her dirty clothes from the floor and headed into the bathroom, figuring there'd be a hamper, which there was. He dumped the armful of dirty clothes into the hamper, then turned the bathroom lights on. He glanced at himself in the mirror before realizing his shoes were wet. He looked down and noticed that the entire bathroom was filled with water, like a pipe had burst and begun to flood. John groaned and turned to face the bathtub when he slipped. He reached back, grabbing the sink and saving himself, though twisting his back in the process. He groaned and stood back up, when his eyes finally landed on the tub. The tub was full. The tub was overflowing. And lying in the tub was Alexis, looking pale. A surge of terror shot through John's body.

John quickly shot over to the bathtub, stumbling on the floor, and began pulling her out. She was almost under the water entirely, her face just barely above the surface of the water, so she hadn't drowned. He tugged and got her from the tub. She was nude, so he quickly wrapped her in a towel and then raced to call an ambulance. As he waited on the phone, talking to the 911 operator, he never let his eyes leave Alexis. Was she dead? He had no idea. She looked pasty and lifeless, but he was no doctor. He hung up after giving them the address, then he sat on the soaking bathroom floor and pulled her toweled body into his arms, holding her.

And then he wept.

                                                                                ***

Jessie pulled into her driveway, the light over the garage softly flickering, when she noticed her daughter Maddie sitting on the porch step, the front door opened. Jessie parked and got out of the car, slowly approaching the house, but Maddie just backed up further away, as two cops, one male and one female, exited the house, while a stretcher carrying Maddie's father was wheeled past them. Jessie and her husbands eyes locked, and she knew then and there her life was over. Jessie looked at Maddie, and Maddie just shook her head, then stood up and went inside.

"Ma'am," the female cop said, bringing Jessie back to reality, even only momentarily, "we need to ask you some serious questions."

The car came to a screeching halt, and thus, the car behind it came to a screeching halt as well, nearly hitting it. As the horn honked blaring behind them, John - in full clown makeup but in a three piece suit - stopped, hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel as he turned and looked at the car full of supposed friends; Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" he screamed, "I can't take it anymore! All you fucking do is bicker! All you do is fucking bicker and play the victim and nobody ever learns anything or says they're sorry! Are you children or adults, because I can't fucking tell! Am I in a company run by children? This feels like a company run by goddamned children! Huh? Answer me!"

But nobody would answer him. John started breathing hard as everyone nervously glanced at one another.

"Everyone but Alexis get out of my car," he said softly but sternly.

                                                            3 HOURS EARLIER

"I've never even heard of The Clownies," Alexis said, looking at the envelope while sitting in the passenger seat of John's car while he drove to pick up the others; she was wearing a dress - a first for her - and had even gotta her hair and nails done, just because John had paid for her to do so.

"To be fair, it's not a particularly publicized event," he replied, "it's not like the Oscars or something. People don't have Clownie parties."

"Probably for good reason, because it sounds fucking terrifying," Alexis said, making him laugh.

"It's definitely someones worst nightmare for sure," John said, "so we have to pick Lilian up, and Tyler and Vera wanted a ride so we could all go as a group, so that'll be a neat little experience."

"So have you won a Clownie before?" Alex asked, turning the envelope over in her hand.

"Nope," John said, "never even been nominated. This is kind of a nice vindication for all my years spent wearing funny shoes and tight fitting pants."

"I wanna win an award for winning tight fitting pants. All I ever get is unsolicited harassment," Alexis said.

"Well, it's something," John replied, the both of them chuckling. After a short drive, they arrived at Lilian's. She was inside, still getting ready, so John and Alex waited in the car. John rolled down the window and pulled out a cigarette case from his jacket pocket and flipped it open, offering Alexis one, who happily took one. He lit them both and they started smoking while waiting for Lilian, exhaling their smoke out their respective windows. After a few minutes, Lilian finally emerged and slid into the backseat of the car. She was in a grey pencil skirt and a pretty puffy blouse, her hair done up in a bun.

"You look nice," Alex said.

"Thanks," Lilian said, sniffing the air and then waving her hand in front of her face, "ew, it smells like shit in here!"

"My car, my rules," John said, starting the car back up and pulling away from the curb, before tapping Alex on the knee and saying, "you're gonna have to direct me to Vera and Tyler's places, cause I don't know where they live."

"Not a problem," Alex said, "why are we picking them up anyway?"

"Tyler doesn't have a car, he generally uses ride share services, and Vera's car broke last week," Lilian said, checking her makeup in her compact, "actually, it's one location. They've been living together for a few months now."

"When did that happen?!" Alex asked, turning in her chair and looking back at Lilian, "why didn't I know about this?"

"Why would you? You don't really like talking to Vera," Lilian replied, shrugging.

"Still, we're in the same company, I should know these sorts of things," Alex said, settling back into her seat and continuing to smoke, putting one of her feet up on the glove compartment, "it's like she deliberately leaves me out of things. I don't get it."

"I'm sure it wasn't intentional," John said, "now come on, we're going to a party of sorts, buck up."

Alex nodded, smiling. He was right, she should try and be in a good mood, no matter how bad Vera made her feel. This evening was for John and Stinko after all.

                                                                              ***

The Clownies were being held in a small event center in the city, much to the groups surprise. It was apparently considered a big deal amongst the clown community, and to be invited, let alone nominated, was an honor of the highest regard. When they arrived, John refused to let someone else park his car, and then the group - John, Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera - were escorted inside. The interior was beautifully decorated, with streams hanging from the ceiling, and filled with the most amount of clowns anyone had ever seen in one place.

"This is oddly terrifying," Tyler muttered, causing Alexis to nudge John with her elbow.

"Told you," she whispered, making him chuckle as he led them to their table. As they all seated themselves, a woman in her 40s with long brown hair, in a beautiful gown, waltzed up to the table and stopped at John's chair, tapping him on the shoulder. He looked up at her and smiled, waving politely.

"I was surprised you'd come," she said, "you usually don't like these sorts of things."

"Well, I figured it'd be nice for a change," he said, "guys, this is Elora."

Everyone greeted her almost in unison, then watched as John stood up and faced her. Tyler leaned in towards Alexis and lowered his voice while John and Elora spoke to one another.

"You think they've screwed?" Tyler whispered, "I get the feeling these two have screwed."

"Please, I don't wanna think of clowns bonking," Lilian mumbled.

"I believe you mean honking," Alexis muttered, making them all laugh, even Vera, to her surprise. Elora eventually said goodbye and headed back to her table as John sat back down at his own. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, picking up his water glass and taking a long sip before looking at the group.

"What?" he asked, half smirking.

"What's the deal with you two, huh?" Lilian asked, "you guys a thing or?"

"If we were a thing, don't you think I'd have invited her with me instead of you guys?" John asked, straightening his tie.

"Is it true that the size of a clowns shoes is directly proportionate to the size of his-" Alexis started to ask, until Lilian put her hand over Alex's mouth, making everyone laugh. All in all, it seemed like it was going to be a good evening. But of course, appearances can be deceiving.

                                                                              ***

John and Elora had met several years prior, shortly after the loss of his family.

The clown community came together to help him for a bit; bringing him food, checking up on him, and Elora was one of the few that went the extra mile. She would invite John out on numerous occasions, if only to give him something to do besides moping. Elora would take John to dinner, to the movies, sometimes they would go clothes shopping just for giggles. John appreciated her company, especially because he had been unsure of continuing with his life after what happened, but after witnessing her kindness - and the kindness of the community as a whole - he knew survival was indeed worthwhile.

But all that being said, they'd never become romantically entangled. Why it hadn't happened never made sense to either of them, but they each sort of understood. While John's family had been taken in an accident, Elora's husband had died of prolonged illness, and perhaps what they needed most in the aftermath was just genuine companionship, not romance. They would swap stories about their loved ones, about their relationships, share photos of them together. To become romantically involved, it seemed, would almost break that solidarity in some weird way. Regardless, each was thankful for the friendship the other had extended unto them.

But that didn't stop everyone around them from recognizing how obviously right for one another they were.

                                                                             ***

"You come here often?" someone asked as they took a seat by Alexis while everyone else had gone to either mingle or gorge themselves at the buffet. Alexis sipped her drink and smirked, raising an eyebrow.

"To Clown Award Shows?" she asked. The man - roughly a few years older than her but still boyish and handsome - laughed and took a sip of his own drink.

"Right, stupid question," he said.

"You're not wearing makeup," Alex said.

"I'm not a clown, so."

"What are you doing here then?"

"Well, you're not wearing makeup either, what are you doing here?"

"I'm a guest," Alexis said, taking another long swig of her cocktail, "Came with Stinko."

"I'm a guest too," the man said, "I'm Brady."

"Alexis."

Just then they stopped and noticed John was standing back at the table. Brady stood up, grabbed his drink and politely excused himself. John seated himself back next to Alexis and started to eat from his plate as she looked at him, confused. She pointed at Brady, wagging her finger.

"Uh...I was kinda interested in that," she said.

"Don't be," John said, taking a bite from a chicken wing, "Brady's a loser. You deserve better. He just wants to sleep with you."

"Well I'm open for that, it's been a while," Alexis said.

"No, you're not," John said sternly, "...not with him. You want random hookups, that's fine, that's your business. Hell, even someone else here would be okay. But not Brady. He's a creep. Trust me when I say this, I am doing you a favor. He's not the kind of guy you wanna sleep with even just for the sake of sleeping with someone."

Alex nodded slowly, picking her glass back up and sipping it.

"...thank you I guess," she whispered.

Meanwhile, over at the buffet, Lilian and Tyler were piling their plates as Tyler glanced back at the table where John and Alexis sat. He shook his head and sighed as he shoveled more and more food onto his plate before looking at Lilian, who smiled at him, making him smile back at her.

"Vera seems...a little stressed out lately," Lilian said, "I was hoping if she came to a little social thing like this it might just ease her up, you know? Get her to loosen a bit. But goddamn that bitch seems impossible to please. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense, of course."

"You're not wrong," Tyler said as they finished gathering food and started heading back to the table, slowly so they could talk amongst themselves along the way, "she's stressed. She's stressed all the time, and nothing seems to make it better. She's not managing great, and Alexis's behavior bothers her, and she's...I shouldn't tell you this, but I am because you're my friend and I trust you, but...she wants a family. But she...she's worried about having that on top of everything else. She doesn't think she could handle it."

"Please, she could handle anything," Lilian said, scoffing.

"That's nice of you to believe. Regardless, she's also worried if she doesn't do it soon, she might not get too. Generally, in her family, women who try to get pregnant after thirty don't have much luck, and she's pushing 29. She's dedicated to us, to our company and to each of us individually, but she wants to be a mom," Tyler said, sighing, "...and she...she wants me to do it with her."

Lilian stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide.

"WHAT?" she asked, grinning in delight.

"Keep it under your hat, we're not exactly public about it," Tyler said, "but yeah, we've been seeing one another for ages now, we've gotten very serious, talked about moving in together. Either way, she wants me to father a child with her, but I don't...first of all, I don't know how good at being a father I would be, not to mention I don't think I'm personally ready for that level of responsibility either."

"Why not just tell her that?" Lilian asked.

"I have. Why do you think she's unhappy?" Tyler said.

Lilian and Tyler arrived at the table and sat down, beginning to eat. Alexis stood up and excused herself, heading to the bathroom. As she passed by everyone, entering the ladies restroom, she stopped in front of the mirror and checked her makeup. Standing there, admiring herself, she heard one of the stall doors open, and saw Vera walk out from inside, reversed in the mirror.

"...you look nice," Vera said quietly as she approached the sink.

"Thanks, so do you," Alexis replied.

Vera opened her mouth to say something, but must've decided against it, because instead she turned and exited the bathroom. Alexis, after making sure she'd left, entered the stall she'd used and locked it behind her. When she was finished, she washed her hands and headed back to the table. After a bit, they announced the nominees, and, much to nobody's surprise, John was in fact granted an award for his work. He was clearly beloved within the community, and seeing him up on stage, thanking them, giving a short speech, clutching the trophy they'd made for it, everyone couldn't help but clap ferociously for him. Alexis even stood up and whistled loudly, which made John blush.

All in all, it was a decent evening. At least until they got back into the car.

                                                                           ***

Driving home in the dark, after the awards show - Alexis sitting in the passenger seat once again while everyone was crammed in the back - John couldn't help but feel pretty good about how the evening went. He had the air conditioning on, the radio on soft classical music, and nobody was talking. Honestly, considering how argumentative this group was, that was probably a blessing. Vera unwrapped and popped a piece of gum into her mouth before leaning forward and offering one to Alexis, who politely declined.

"So," Vera said, "how are you doing lately?"

"Okay, I guess, why? Are you checking up on me? You're not my sponsor or something," Alexis remarked.

"No, but I am your employer, so your behavior reflects back on me," Vera said, trying hard to be nice; she added, "just, you know, let me know if you're using or something again because I can put you on leave or something. We could work something out. Paid vacation or even rehab, something to-"

"I don't need your pity masquerading as kindness!" Alexis snapped, making Vera leap backwards, best as one can in the backseat of a car, as Lilian grabbed her and held tightly, almost as if she were trying to keep Vera from attacking Alex in response; Alexis continued, "I'm doing fine, I'm doing great, okay! The one thing I wish I could have above all else was your genuine trust!"

"Can you blame me for being somewhat untrustworthy?" Vera barked back, "After all the damage you've caused?"

Soon enough, the car had once again erupted into an argument. Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed, glancing at Lilian who just shook her head. They were both getting very tired of this repetitive situation. It seemed like, lately, this was all that happened when everyone was in the same space together. Especially if that space included both Vera and Alexis. Vera clearly had some sort of personal vendetta, it felt like, and everyone was getting pretty goddamn sick of living with it.

The car came to a screeching halt, and thus, the car behind it came to a screeching halt as well, nearly hitting it. As the horn honked blaring behind them, John - still in full clown makeup and a three piece suit - stopped, hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel as he turned and looked at the car full of supposed friends; Lilian, Alexis, Tyler and Vera.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" he screamed, "I can't take it anymore! All you fucking do is bicker! All you do is fucking bicker and play the victim and nobody ever learns anything or says they're sorry! Are you children or adults, because I can't fucking tell! Am I in a company run by children? This feels like a company run by goddamned children! Huh? Answer me!"

But nobody would answer him. John started breathing hard as everyone nervously glanced at one another.

"Everyone but Alexis get out of my car," he said softly but sternly. The back doors of the car opened slowly, as Tyler, Lilian and Vera piled out. After the doors shut, John sped off into the night. Lilian sighed, pulled out her cell phone and dialed Miranda's number. Standing there, hand on her hip waiting for her to answer so she could ask for a ride home, Tyler looked at Vera.

"What is wrong with you?" Tyler asked quietly, almost in awe, "why can't you just-"

"Just...leave me alone," Vera replied almost silently, as she walked a ways away. Back in the car, Alexis positioned the air conditioner in the front to blow directly on her face, her shoes still up on the glovebox door, her dress riding up a little as a result. John turned the radio off and took a deep sigh.

"...this can't go on," he whispered.

"Why didn't you kick me out?" Alex asked.

"Because you're not doing anything wrong," John replied, "listen to me, okay? I was an alcoholic and a drug user for a good portion of my life, around your age, and I do not regret it. I'm not saying it's great, and something everyone should experience, but it's something I am glad I lived through. But it's also not something anyone else gets to tell you to stop doing. You have proven you are not hurting yourself, or those around you, and if all Vera cares about is appearances, then fuck her. You are doing your job - well, might I add - and if she can't see past that, then that's on her, not you. That being said, I don't want you to think it's okay to live like that forever either. At a certain point you have to realize your body is going to just give up on you if you don't change something. It can only take so much."

Alexis nodded, listening, tears welling in her eyes. She looked at her shoes, her heels, and mumbled.

"...my dad never cared about whether i was doing it or not," she whispered, "...he was just happy i was out of the house."

"I already lost one little girl I cared about," John said quietly, "I won't lose another."

Alexis smiled, and nodded. If John wanted to be a father figure, far be it from her to stop him.

                                                                            ***

Lilian, tugging her shoes off her feet as Miranda walked beside her down the hall (they'd already dropped Tyler and Vera off at their respective homes), couldn't believe it. She was so tired of all the infighting. She felt Miranda kiss her neck, and she blushed, stumbling a little as she giggled.

"Stop, you're gonna make me trip and-"

That's when she saw Maddie sitting in front of her apartment door. Lilian and Miranda approached, as Maddie looked up at them. Lilian knelt down and brushed her hair from her eyes.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Daddy's getting worse, and I don't know how to stop it," Maddie whimpered, "...she's gonna kill him."

"...alright, come on inside, come on," Lilian said, gathering up the little girl and heading into her apartment; "we'll figure this out together."

"I have to say, it's nice to see you again after all this time," Mrs. Kearning said.

Lilian was walking down a hall, Alexis right behind her, right beside popular local pageant judge Amanda Kearning. Kearning had first met Lilian when she was a child, but had always wondered why she'd dropped out of the public eye and stopped doing pageants. Now, seeing her as a grown adult, coming back to the industry, Amanda could see she'd grown up to be as beautiful as she'd always assumed she would be when she was a little girl.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't weird being here," Lilian said, smiling as a couple young girls in dresses ran past them laughing, heading to the main dressing room; "but, I figure that these pageants gave me so much when I was little, I wanted to kind of give something back."

"That's beautiful," Kearning said, before looking back at Alexis, who was absentmindedly chewing gum, and asking, "and what about you? Why are you here?"

"Because she drove," Alex said, pointing at Lilian.

"She's just my friend, along for the ride," Lilian said, her and Kearning chuckling together.

Truth was, Alexis had always struggled with her self image, and being at a place like a beauty pageant, especially one geared towards little girls, made her feel especially uneasy. Part of the reason she'd started doing drugs in the first place was simply to curb her appetite and help her stay skinny. As they continued walking, heading to the judges room, Alex stopped when they started to pass by a little girl sitting on a bench by herself, her knees pulled up to her chest. Alex knelt down beside the bench and looked at the kid.

"You alright?" she asked, as the girl looked up at her and Alex noticed her lazy eye.

"I'm not gonna win cause of my eye," the girl said weakly, clearly having been crying.

"Well, I think your eye is cool, and besides, you can see everything with it. Liars, cheaters, and all the beauty around you outside of this fake fashion show," Alex said, patting the girl on the shoulder, "trust me, you're the most beautiful girl here, and it's because of your eye."

The girl started to smile, and nod, taking Alex's statements to heart. Alex stood back up and jogged down the hall briskly, catching back up to Lilian and Amanda. A long time ago, Alexis had made a promise to herself to be nice to kids, only because nobody was ever nice to her as a kid. Nobody should have to feel that level of loneliness, especially a child, she thought.

                                                                               ***

Maddie slowly opened her parents bedroom door and snuck in quietly, looking around cautiously. Her mother was out of the house for the time being, but that didn't mean she wanted to leave any kind of impression that she'd come in here. She crept in on tip toes, careful not to wake her sleeping father. Maddie approached a dresser, where his leftover lunch sat on a metal meal tray, and she examined it.

The problem was, she wasn't exactly sure how to look for signs of poisoning or anything. How does one tell if one is being poisoned? Maddie left the tray alone and continued towards the bathroom, pushing it open as quietly as she could, so she could sneak in without him remotely stirring. Once inside, she walked over to the medicine cabinet and pulled it open slowly, knowing it was creaky. Nothing in here looked odd or out of the ordinary. Why would it? It'd be stupid to poison him with something from their own bathroom, in such close proximity to him, she thought. No. If this was really happening, and she was determined to investigate his claims, then she knew the poison had to be coming from somewhere else. Something else. Something she wouldn't be looking for.

Maddie sighed dejectedly and sat on the toilet seat lid, looking at her shoes. Could he just have been delirious? Or could what Stinko had been saying was true? That he was simply trying to get between her and her mother and cause a rift? But why would a parent do such a thing? None of it made sense to Maddie, and she began to doubt it ever would.

After a bit, Maddie finally stood up and walked out, creeping slowly and silently past the dresser once again, and she noticed her father rolling a little in the bed, mumbling something. She didn't even know which parent she liked, or if she liked either of them to be honest. Ever since the kid had died at her party, neither one had made any attempt whatsoever to see how she felt, or if she was remotely okay. They'd just...gone about their lives, business as usual. Maddie walked over to the bed and looked at her fathers sleeping face, chewing her lip anxiously. What was she supposed to do? Was she just making all this up in her head to alleviate the guilt of her parents not loving one another, or even seemingly her? Why did she even care, when it seemed like they didn't care about her?

Maddie didn't know what a family was.

And she had her folks to blame for that.

                                                                              ***

"So, what's it like to be the most beautiful girl in a building?" Alexis asked Lilian as they followed Kearning into the judges room.

"Well, I don't know about the most beautiful," Lilian said, "but I'm certainly right up there."

Alexis chuckled as she and Lilian seated themselves at a small round white table in the center of the room, clearly where judges ate lunch between pageants. Kearning walked to the counter and started warming up the pot of coffee as they talked.

"You know," Kearning said, "it's rare that someone who does pageants becomes a judge, and even more rare when it's someone who quit doing them. You're kind of an anomaly."

"I've been told that," Lilian replied.

"Lucky," Alexis said, "nobody's ever called me anything nearly that cool."

"You wanna be called something? I can call you something," Lilian replied, the both of them laughing.

"All I mean is," Kearning said, picking up her coffee mug and turning to look at the girls, "historically, people who quit pageants aren't all that interested in judging them later in life. You might be the first we've run into, well, besides..."

The girls looked at one another, then back at Kearning.

"...there was this woman a few years back, someone who ran in the same circuit you did actually. Her name was Ashley. I won't give you a last name, not that it'd be hard to figure it out after what she did. Anyway, Ashley became so disenchanted with the whole thing, that after she left the pageant scene, she wound up murdering her boyfriend, who just happened to be a fashion designer. Simply being around something even remotely adjacent to the thing that haunted her was enough to make her snap, I guess."

"Holy hell," Lilian whispered.

"Awesome," Alexis chuckled.

"...you're not gonna murder anyone, are you?" Kearning asked Lilian, slightly smirking.

"I don't like people, but I don't think I'm capable of murder," Lilian said, "so I'd have to say no."

"That's good," Kearning replied, laughing as she turned back to face to now warmed coffee pot, pouring herself a mug. The door to the room opened, and two other judges walked in; a youngish looking woman, perhaps a trainee, and a middle aged, but very handsome, man. He was wearing an ash grey suit, and his hair was combed neatly. He had small black round glasses hugging the bridge of his nose, and he stopped when he and Lilian's eyes caught one another. He then continued after a moment, talking with the woman he'd entered with, while Lilian felt her insides clench up violently.

Whether or not he recognized her remained to be seen, though judging by the fact that he stopped when he saw her gave Lilian the impression that he did recognize her, but more importantly, she recognized him. The same man, just older now, who'd come into her dressing room on her last pageant. The man whose actions eventually drove her to seek therapy. He was still here, he was still judging, and that broke Lilian's trust in the system. It shouldn't be surprising, considering the kinds of shit men in power get away with and have been getting away with forever, but it did. It did, for some reason, surprise her. She thought maybe someone, at some point, might've said something, but apparently not. Had he continued to do to other young girls what he'd done to her? This was something she both itched to know and feared knowing.

"Lily, Alex, this is Anna, our intern, and one of our longest running judges, Michael Brown," Kearning said, sipping from her mug after introducing them.

"Nice to meet you," Anna said, shaking the girls hands, while Michael took the pot from Kearning and poured himself a cup of coffee, then sipped it before speaking.

"You look very familiar, did you use to do pageant work or have you judged somewhere else or?" Michael asked.

"I used to be in pageants as a little girl, yes," Lilian said, curious as to whether he was merely pretending not to know her or genuinely unsure if he knew her; she continued, "but that was a long time ago, and I haven't done anything in the pageant circuit for years. I just figured it'd be fun to boost girls self esteem now as an adult who also did it."

"A noble cause," Michael said, nodding.

Alex looked from Lilian to Michael, then back to Lilian. She wasn't certain, but she just sort of got the feeling that something was off, and she'd find out what.

                                                                             ***

"Maybe I am making it up," Maddie said, sitting in the booth with John.

Maddie had taken up visiting the diner frequently, hoping to catch Lilian or one of her friends there. Lately, John - considering he didn't work nearly as much as the others seemed to - was the one most often around. He was seated opposite her, eating a sandwich, dressed in a collared button down shirt with flamingos on it and khaki pants.

"Maybe I just want something terrible to be happening so I can make sense of why my family sucks so much," Maddie continued, laying her chin flat on her arms on the table, sighing, "cause, like...why else would they suck if it wasn't for some awful reason?"

"Sometimes families just suck," John replied, "but you know, Mads, you have something not every kid with a sucky family has. You have a support group of adults who care about you outside of your family. You're a very lucky young lady, honestly. Some kids would kill to have what you have."

Maddie had never really considered this, but John was right. Even if her family did suck, she had adults she could turn to, and she was lucky in that regard. She had even begun to consider John more of a parent to her just thanks to his kindness and advice than her own father had ever been.

"...what if I'm the reason my family sucks?" Maddie asked in a small, sad voice, and John immediately stopped eating and looked at her seriously.

"No child is ever the reason their family sucks," John said sternly, "so don't you ever think that about yourself. You were brought into this world without your consent, and it is your parents responsibility to care for you, and if they fail, it's THEIR failure, not a failure on YOUR part."

Maddie smiled and nodded, then shut her eyes and rested on the tabletop as John continued eating his sandwich.

"Thanks Stinko," she said quietly.

"Anytime, kid," he replied.

It's true what they say, Maddie thought, clowns really do make you feel better.

                                                                               ***

Lilian was standing in the bathroom, trying to steady her breathing. She wouldn't even looked herself in the mirror over the sink, simply because she was terrified she'd see Michael standing behind her. She heard the door open and she heard Alexis enter and stop at the sink, next to Lilian.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked.

"no," she said quietly, "i am very much not okay, actually."

"As soon as that guy came in, everything-"

"He was the one," Lillian said, forcing the words out of her mouth, even as disgusting as they tasted slipping past her lips, "he was the one who came into my dressing room on the night of my last pageant, he's the reason I quit altogether. He locked the door, he put his hands on me, down my stockings...if...if my mother hadn't come back, he...he might have..."

"Hey, shhh," Alexis said, putting her hands on Lilian's arm, "you're okay, you're safe. That's...that's fucking sick, but look at you now, back, stronger than ever, more than willing to face him down."

"I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that he didn't remember doing it. How many girls has he done this to that he can willingly forget about some of them?" Lilian asked, looking at Alex, tears in her eyes, her lips trembling, "because...because he's still here. Somehow, I deluded myself into believing some kind of justice might come for his actions, but no, he's STILL. FUCKING. HERE."

Alex had never seen Lilian this shaken, and it honestly frightened her. For as long as they'd known one another, Lilian had always been the strong one. The one who didn't break down. The one who was, what the kids call, a boss bitch. So to see her so genuinely scared, so open and vulnerable, it broke Alex's heart. Alexis pushed her black hair from her face and choked on her words, unsure of what to say.

"Lilian," Alex said, "you're the coolest, strongest person I've ever known. You're, like...my hero. To see you be this scared only makes you cooler, cause it proves even someone as strong as you is capable of being scared, which only humanizes you moreso. Fuck this guy. Prove him wrong. Judge and save kids, not hurt them, like he is. You're the force field now between his awfulness and the goodness of the world, okay?"

Lilian looked at Alex, realizing that this dweeby, drug addicted weirdo was her best friend in the world, and threw her arms around Alexis, surprising her with a tight hug. Alex, stunned momentarily, finally started laughing and hugged Lilian back.

"I love you, man," Lilian said.

"Hey, I love you too," Alex said, "how could anyone not, really?"

Lilian had never really had a best friend. In fact, before working with these people, she'd never really had friends proper, so having one she could trust, one she could even call a best friend, was more than welcome honestly. She was thankful they were in one anothers lives, because she knew each of their lives would be lesser without the other one.

Who knew that a pirate and a princess would ever make such good friends?

John Tarnum was standing in front of the plexiglass, hands firmly pressed against it, as his eyes stared dead center on the little girl swaddled up in a bassinet among a dozen others. He smiled and exhaled, blinking, trying to remind himself to breath now and again. He backed away from the glass and felt someone tap him on the shoulder, which caught his attention. He turned, coming face to face with a nurse standing there, holding a clipboard, who merely smiled at him.

"Is she everything you thought she'd be?" the nurse asked.

"She's...perfect. Everything's perfect," John said, "uh, do I have to...?"

"Oh, right," the nurse said, handing him the clipboard and a pen, "these need to be filled out. And we need a name for her."

John looked back towards the nursery, then chewed his lip momentarily before he nodded and jotted a name down on the paper. He filled everything else out, then handed the clipboard back to the nurse, who smiled when she looked at it.

"That's lovely," she said, "Congratulations."

"Thank you," John said.

Now was the time to get his act together. Stop drinking. Stop partying. He and his girlfriend needed to finally grow up and be the adults that this little girl needed them to be. John made a promise to himself, and his new daughter, right then and there...no matter what, he'd always be there for her. And he never broke that promise.

                                                                                  ***

John was sitting at a picnic table in a park, watching his daughter try and chase the other kids but to no avail. Lauren seated herself next to John and handed him his coffee, which he thanked her for before sipping it. Lauren tossed her dark chocolate brown hair and sighed as she watched with John, before lowering her voice to a near whisper and leaning towards him.

"She looks miserable," Lauren said.

"Of course she looks miserable," he said, "all she wants to do is run with the other kids and she can't even do that. These fucking crutches make it hard for her to play with anyone."

"....what do we do?"

"How the hell should I know?" John asked, shrugging, "we just...we love her and tell her that none of this matters and all that matters is how much we love her, I guess?"

Lauren smiled briefly before wiping at her eyes, feeling John rubbing her back.

"...i feel so guilty," she whispered, almost crying, "like...i did this to her."

"You had no way of knowing that what you were taking would endanger her in the womb," John replied, "these things just happen. She's great, disabled or not, it doesn't matter. And you didn't do this to her. This wasn't your fault. We were young and stupid, we had no way of knowing."

Lauren nodded, taking in his words, but never once acknowledging them. No matter what John might tell her, she'd never buy it. As her eyes wandered back up to watch their daughter, finally sitting in a sandbox with some other girls and playing with dolls, she felt like maybe John was right in the sense that things would be fine. They adored their daughter, and no matter what, that was all that really mattered. Lauren leaned over and buried her face in John's neck, making him blush as he stroked her hair and simply watched his daughter play.

Just a few short years ago, when John was in his early twenties, he never could've pictured being what his father had once called a "family man". He never pictured being married, and especially never pictured having a child, a daughter especially, and now...god, now he didn't know how he'd ever lived without them. Without this lifestyle. He didn't realize just how badly he needed this level of stability, and how his wife and daughter probably saved him from drinking himself to death. He was grateful for that, definitely, but he was even more grateful simply for being given a chance to love them to begin with.

Sure, his daughter couldn't walk without crutches, but he didn't give two shits about that. He'd defend her to the death, and if anything, this only made her even cooler, because she wasn't like everyone else.

Just like her mother.

                                                                                 ***

"What is it, what is it?!" she shouted excitedly, tearing at the gift wrapping as John and Lauren watched around the table, laughing at her unbridled joy. Finally she wrenched the gift from its packaging and screamed again, squeezing it to her chest, thanking them repeatedly.

"I hope that's what you wanted, cause I'm no good at picking this stuff out," John said.

"It is! It is! Thank you!" she said loudly, so unbelievably happy.

"I'm glad," John said, pushing forward on the table towards her another package, adding, "we got you some accessories and clothes and stuff to go with it. Hopefully you like this stuff, but if not, we can always return it for something else."

It was their daughters 11th birthday, and it was spent at home, except for dinner, when they went to her favorite pizza place. That night, after Lauren had passed out on the couch watching an old western on TV, John walked to his daughters bedroom and saw her lying in bed, brushing her dolls hair. He entered and sat on the side of the bed, watching her.

"...you have a good birthday?" he asked.

"Mhm," she said, nodding, "I just...I wish I had friends who'd come."

"I know honey, I'm sorry," John said.

"You and mom are my best friends, and that's cool, cause you guys are cool, but I wish I had friends my age too. They all just look at me weird cause of my crutches," she said, "sometimes it feels like everyone at school is making fun of me at the same time, like I'm some big secret joke they all share."

John felt his heart tear a little bit, but he reached out and stroked her cheek gently, making her smile.

"Happy birthday honey," he said softly, leaning in and kissing her between the eyes. She laid down and snuggled up under the blankets, so he could tuck her in. She squeezed her doll to her chest and as he exited, he stopped when she called after him and looked back at her, finger on the lightswitch.

"I love you dad," she said.

"Love you too kiddo," he said.

With that, he flicked the light out and shut the door, leaving it only open a smidgeon so the hallway light could creep in, knowing she was still somewhat scared of the dark. John walked back to the living room and woke Lauren up, then helped her get to the bedroom. Once they were both in bed, she laid her head on his chest and, still half asleep, muttered, "she's so me."

"What do you mean?" John asked.

"nobody ever came to my birthdays either," Lauren said, but before she could further elaborate, she too passed out.

                                                                                ***

Lauren Knopf met John Tarnum when they were in their early twenties. She was a guest at a party he worked at, and she found his clown persona both hilarious and ripe for razzing, which she definitely took advantage of. After the party, she wrote her number down on his hand, and said they should go drinking sometime. Soon enough, they were. In fact, their drinking got so out of hand that he often invited her to the parties he'd work, and have her bring a cooler with her so they could drink when they had a chance.

But Lauren went further than drinking, doing things John would never be interested in, and it worried him. She was careful. She was never careless, but still, her behavior worried him. That was why, when she told him she was pregnant, he was secretly thrilled, because if nothing else, this would curb her drug usage. Unfortunately for John, the opposite wound up being true. Not only did she continue to do whatever she wanted - albeit on a somewhat lower scale - but also became addicted to the pain medication the hospital had given her for her pregnancy. However, once their daughter was born, John sat with her in the hospital room and told her they had to stop, and, much to his surprise, she agreed.

Perhaps it's the actual act of having a child now, or perhaps it was simply her realizing she couldn't go on like this, but whatever the reasoning, Lauren agreed to quit. John helped her into a program, and even attended with her now and then for support, and eventually she not only wasn't using drugs, but she wasn't even drinking anymore, something John never thought he'd see her give up.

That's why, when he came home from work one night to find Lauren and their daughter missing, along with her car, he was perplexed. The only thing he could find missing - aside from the car and his family - was a bottle of pain pills. John debated calling the police, but eventually relented and in fact did phone them up. When they found her, however, he wish he'd never asked for help. The thing about the police finding your family, and not finding them on your own, is that they often won't let you see the aftermath, and John needed to see the aftermath. The car had plowed into the side of a building downtown, an old abandoned tool store, and when John pulled up and ran towards the accident, the cops held him back, and no matter how much he screamed and kicked and cried, they wouldn't let him closer.

For hours he sat in a hospital waiting room, trying to figure out what he would do if...if....god he couldn't even finish that thought.

After a while, a female cop approached and handed him a ziplock bag with a piece of paper inside it, saying she thought he should have it. She didn't give her name, or any other reasoning, before she left as abruptly as she'd arrived. John opened the bag and pulled the paper out, reading it, his insides tearing themselves apart.

"I love you so much. But I hate myself. I hate myself, and by extension, I hate her, because she IS me, John. That's why I'm doing this. Removing us from the world. I'm so sorry, but I'm an awful person, and I don't deserve to be here. I'm so sorry to take her away from you. I'm so so sorry that I couldn't be what you needed me to be. Just like I could never be what my parents needed me to be. I love you. Please don't hate me. Love, Lauren."

And John didn't hate her. When they finally came out and told him Lauren was gone, he doubled over on the floor and screamed. Two nurses helped console him, but he was damn near inconsolable. Other people in the waiting room watched, the looks of sheer, abject sadness on their faces at seeing this man fall apart in public. And still, he didn't hate her. He understood how she felt, why she felt the way she felt, he'd never hate her for her problems. Her problems were what he fell in love with. He loved how imperfect she was.

He just wished he had told her that more often.

                                                                               ***

John, sitting in the diner that morning with Lilian and Alexis, sipped his coffee and spooned scrambled eggs into his mouth.

"All I'm saying is that, even if, by some act of god, I was hired by some rich family for their kids party, I'd find some way to get myself involved with that family. I'd fuck the dad or...I don't know, find some way to become part of that family. I don't want a sugar daddy. I want a sugar family," Alexis said, making John chuckle.

"Well, I think you're looking at this all wrong. Clearly, the thing to do would be to parlay it into working for every other rich family as well. Make it so that you're the best, and thus, only performer worth hiring. Endear yourself to the local rich population, and then soon enough they invite you to their country club."

"Great, yeah, I can't wait to be racist and wear poodle skirts," Alexis said, making John laugh loudly now.

"I just meant that, by that point, you'll have become such a fixture within the community, someone will meet you, fall for you and marry you, and boom, now you're rich, and all without being a homewrecker," Lilian said, cutting her pancakes into pieces.

"But I wanna be a homewrecker!" Alexis said, "that's the dream!"

John wiped his mouth on his napkin, finished his coffee and sighed.

"Well," he said, pulling his jacket on, "engaging as this discussion is, I have something to do."

"You working today?" Lilian asked.

"Kind of," John said, standing up from the booth and wishing them a good day before leaving. He walked to the parking lot, got into his car and drove to his trailer, where he changed into his clown costume and then drove towards the hospital. He parked in their lot, entered through the back entrance, and was greeted by everyone who worked there. They'd come to know him over the years, and were always happy to see his Stinko persona. He walked down the halls, stopping in a few rooms for sick kids and old people, brightening their day, before finally stopping at a room on the 4th floor.

He walked into the room and the woman lying in the bed looked up from her book and squealed in joy at seeing him. John walked in, honking his nose at her, making her giggle. John sat down on the bed as she sat up and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. John, almost on the verge of tears, patted her on the back and squeezed her back, never wanting to let her go again.

"Daddy," she whispered.

"I'm here cupcake," he said, "I'm here."

His daughter had somehow survived the collision, but now she not only was on crutches, but she had suffered fairly severe brain damage as a result of her mothers decision. John didn't care though. She was alive. She was here. She was what he had left, and he loved her to the ends of the earth.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked, looking her in the eyes.

"I'm okay," she managed to say, slurring her speech, "read to me?"

She handed him the picture book she'd been looking at, and he smiled and nodded, taking the book from her. He loved reading to her, and he'd never pass up the opportunity. He opened the book and noticed the inscription on the inside, the one she'd written herself when she was only 7 years old, her words forever scribbled in that little girl handwriting.

                                                     "This book belongs to: Star Tarnum."

Sure, it was a sort of hippy name, but he didn't care. She didn't care. Lauren hadn't cared. She was their star. And now, to John, she was his northern star, always guiding him back home, back to her. He'd experienced immense loss, and from that, he'd learned to be truly funny, because nothing makes you realize the absurdity of life like intense grief. But more than anything else, he was simply thrilled she was still here, in any way, shape or form.

Life was kinda funny that way.

"I can't remember the last time I even went on a date," Lilian said, standing in her bathroom, applying makeup while she talked on the phone to Alexis; she continued, "and I mean, like, an honest to god actual date. Not one of those random hookups I did at parties sometimes with someones uncle or something. I mean like a real date with someone I genuinely like."

"Well," Alex replied, "at least you'll be able to fall back on the excuse of being rusty. Besides, it's not like you have to impress her. She's already smitten with you."

"...are you eating?" Lilian asked.

"I'm lying on the couch eating an entire gallon of Cookies and Cream ice cream," Alexis said, "why?"

"Did you even try and eat dinner?"

"This IS dinner, thank you," Alexis replied, making Lilian chuckle.

Lilian put her makeup away and headed back into her bedroom to get dressed. At the moment she was just wearing her underwear, so she started rooting around in her closet to find something both suitable and comfortable. She wanted to look good, but she didn't want to sacrifice sensibility for fashions sake. Lilian sighed and sat on the end of her bed, staring at her closet and shaking her head.

"I hate my closet," she said.

"Why? Something live in it?" Alexis asked.

"I mean I hate my wardrobe, like, what I have to wear," Lilian said, "I really am in the need of new clothes. I've had these same outfits for the last decade. I haven't bought anything new in ages. I think being in beauty pageants really ruined any interest I might've had in looking good."

Suddenly, a knock at the door, and Lilian's eyes widened.

"Shit! She's early!" she said, "I have to go!"

She hung up the phone and quickly grabbed a pair of tight jeans and a crop top with a small jacket to go over it from her closet, then threw it all on. Another knock at the door, and Lilian ran into her bathroom again, grabbed her hairbrush and then rushed back into the living room, brushing her hair as she answered the door. Miranda was standing there, in a long black floral print dress and a big sunhat. She smiled at Lilian, who stood aside to let her into her apartment.

"Sorry, I was in the bathroom," Lilian said, continuing to brush her hair as Miranda entered.

"Nice place," Miranda said, turning around in the room before landing their sights back on Lilian herself, and adding, "you don't look too bad yourself."

"Hah! Well, thanks so much for the backhanded compliment," Lilian said, stepping forward and putting their hands on Miranda's hips before leaning up and kissing them. After it broke, Miranda said she had made some plans for them, and they should get going. Lilian agreed, and together they exited the apartment for the night, but Lilian already knew she would be bringing Miranda back home later.

                                                                                 ***

"You guys gotta find a way to co-exist, man," John said, sitting in the diner with Tyler, as they both ate; John took a sip of his coffee and added after a sigh, "like, if you guys can't be friends, you sure as hell can't be co-owners of a business or even co-workers for that matter. This isn't the same as a typical business, you know? This is something you all actively decided to build together, so you HAVE to find a way to get along."

"It's not me," Tyler said, sipping his soup from his spoon, "I love everyone who works with us. It's Vera. Vera and Alexis specifically. You saw it at the park, it's rough. And we're all worried for Alex, honestly. She's got a lot of problems, and we're all very concerned one day she's going to do something she can't undo."

"That's her decision then," John said, shrugging, "I mean, it's noble to worry, but in the end, she's going to do what she's going to do."

Just then they noticed Rina and Maddie standing by the table. Tyler raised an eyebrow, confused by their sudden appearance, while John merely continued drinking his coffee and then put his cigarette out.

"What are you doing here?" Tyler asked.

"She wanted to see Lilian, but she doesn't appear to be here," Rina said, pushing her way into the booth, sitting next to Tyler as Maddie sat beside John; Rina added, after taking a spoon and having some of Tyler's soup, "she says it's very important and she needs help."

"What could be so important that you'd come find us at this time of night?" Tyler asked.

"...I think my mom is killing my dad," Maddie said, "the other day, I tried to drink something she'd made for him, and he told me it was poisoned, and that's why he wasn't eating or drinking anything she was making for him. He hasn't been getting better, probably because she's poisoning him and because he's too scared to eat or drink anything she makes. I don't know what to do or who to talk to about it though."

"...that's...that's a LOT," Tyler said, "oof, jeez. Do you have any proof outside of your dads words?"

"No," Maddie said, shaking her head slowly, "that's what stinks. I don't have any real proof. I wanted to talk to Lilian."

"Well, she's not here," Tyler said, "Sorry. But I could call and leave her a message."

Tyler scooted past Rina, who followed him as she wanted to leave something on the message as well, so Lilian would take it more seriously. Maddie looked at John, then sighed and looked down at her hands in her lap.

"What if it's not true? What if she's not, and he's just saying that to make me hate her? They've fought so much..."

"Well," John said, "parents will do that, sure, but that doesn't make it right. Either way, the fact that you're worrying about it being fake instead of taking it at face value proves how intelligent you are for your age, because a lot of kids would just believe anything their folks tell them. But you've known them to be liars, fighters, and you're not going to just believe something because someone said it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take it seriously, because it very well COULD be true, but still."

"...why are they doing this to eachother? To me? I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't ask for them to be my parents," Maddie said, sounding as though she were on the verge of tears. John sighed and took a long sip from his coffee, then patted her on the shoulder and pulled her into his side, wherein she started crying against him.

"It's okay kiddo," he said, "you just cry, it's okay to cry. This is too heavy for someone your age to deal with, but you're very strong for dealing with it and I'm proud of you."

Watching from afar as Rina left her half of the message, Tyler couldn't help but be somewhat in awe of Johns sweet nature. He came off as so gruff, with an anger just below the surface, and yet here he was, being tender and comforting to a little girl. He was surprised by his ability to talk to kids. That was what everyone was missing, he thought. Anyone could perform at a kids party, but that doesn't mean just anyone could relate to a kid.

                                                                                    ***

"This place is beautiful," Lilian said, as she sat in an old vintage metal chair on a balcony of a small restaurant, overlooking the cityscape; she looked across the table at Miranda, who smiled at her as she drank from her glass of wine.

"It is, it's one of my favorite places," Miranda said, "it helps to get above everything and look down on it. That way, I've found, it doesn't seem so overwhelming. If you can pull yourself far enough away from something, I've found, then it helps make it look less intimidating. It's like being in an airplane, you know? Looking down on the world, like they're just ants."

"...you look so good," Lilian said, blushing, "Sorry, that...that might've been weird to say."

"No, I appreciate it! I put a lot of effort into this," Miranda said, chuckling, "I'm glad you think so! I don't think I've ever seen you with makeup on."

"I wear makeup to every party I work!" Lilian said.

"Really? Wow. Well, maybe I just didn't notice. Now that I'm, ya know, looking only at you, it's easier to spot I guess. I never noticed how long your eyelashes are either," Miranda said, "unless they're extensions. I don't know what to believe, considering you used to do beauty pageants."

"Everything about me is fake, it's true," Lilian said, the both of them laughing as she continued, "it's nice to be here with you. It's about time we did something like this, you know, something just the two of us. Something...nice. We've both been working so much, it's exhausting. I kinda want a vacation."

"If we both take our vacation at the same time, we could go somewhere together," Miranda said, "unless that's, ya know, moving too fast or whatever."

"Girl, I don't think there's even such a thing as moving too fast at this point in my life," Lilian said, as Miranda continued drinking her wine and the waiters brought their respective meals, setting the plates down on the table in front of them. Lilian didn't usually get to go out and do things just for herself, just for fun, and this was definitely a much needed reprieve from the typical night. She felt bad, thinking about Alexis being by herself all night, but that was how she wanted to spend her time. She shouldn't be judged for it, just like she shouldn't be judged for being out with Miranda, and how Miranda shouldn't be judged for who she was.

Lilian might've been brought up in a community surrounded by judgement, but she made a concerted effort to prove she was anything but judgemental.

                                                                                 ***

"What if turns out to be true?" Maddie asked, wiping her eyes on her striped sweater sleeve, "what...what if...what if she does kill him because I don't do anything? Or what if it's all fake and then I don't know who to trust anymore? Which would be worse?"

"Parents who pit their children against one another shouldn't have children in the first place," John said, "is there anything you can think of that might make you think your father might be telling the truth? Do you have a parent you think is more reliable and trustworthy?"

Maddie thought for a minute. Neither of her parents had ever really been there for her much beyond doing what was expected of them. Doing their parental duties; attending school meetings, feeding and housing her, partaking in holiday events, those sorts of things that are inescapable by society standards. Maddie tried to think about something her parents had actively done with her, any sort of activity they'd participated in together willingly...but she drew blanks. She looked at John and shook her head.

"...neither," she whispered, "they're both bad."

John sighed, finish his coffee and then took a bite of the sandwich he'd ordered before leaning back in the booth, then turning to face Maddie, folding his legs on the booth. She quickly turned and faced him in the same manner.

"When I was in my mid twenties, I met a woman. Her name was Lauren, and she was....she was just the best, you know? Just...the kind of person that, once you meet, it seems like you've known one another forever," he said.

"Kinda like Lilian and me," Maddie said.

"Sure," John said, smiling, "anyway, Lauren and I got serious, and we talked about having kids. In the end, we decided it was best not to, because we knew neither one of us was capable of dealing with what that lifestyle change brought. I'm proud of making such a decision for the sake of an unborn child, instead of just rushing in headfirst and bringing a kid into the world that I then couldn't take care of. That wouldn't be fair to me, but more importantly, it wouldn't be fair to them. Sometimes parents have kids because it's what's expected of, or because they really believe they're in love and it's what they want. Do you think your parents could really hurt one another, or you?"

Maddie chewed on her lip, and after a long moment, she shook her head.

"No," she said, "I don't think so. But I can't shake the question of what if I'm wrong?"

"Then you're wrong. But it's on them, sweetheart, not you," John said, "remember, no matter what they try and make you think or feel, you are a kid, and their lack of functioning is not your fault. You are not responsible for their happiness."

Rina and Tyler finally walked back to the table and Rina tapped Maddie on the shoulder, making her look back at Rina.

"We should get home," she said, "Your mom will be home from work anytime now."

Maddie nodded, and climbed out of the booth, waving goodbye to Tyler and John, then taking Rina's hand and, together, exiting the diner. Tyler slid back into the booth and continued eating his soup, which was somewhat cold now. After a minute, John lit up a new cigarette, and Tyler looked up from his bowl at him.

"You really have a way of dealing with kids," Tyler said, "so what happened to Lauren? You guys break up or?"

"Naw, we got married, had a kid," John said, surprising Tyler.

"But...but you just said-"

"I know what I said," John replied, interrupting Tyler, "but that's not the point. That truth is my truth. The lie is healthier for her to live with than what actually happened."

"...what...what did actually happen?" Tyler asked cautiously.

"Doesn't matter. Sometimes people just go away," John said, "Hey, can I get some more coffee over here please?"

                                                                                ***

Standing in the hallway, Lilian trying to unlock her apartment door as Miranda stood behind her, she couldn't shake the giddiness from her gut. After she finally heard the lock click and the door swung open, Lilian turned to face Miranda and exhaled slowly.

"I guess we should do this again," Miranda said, "whenever you're available, just let me know."

"You should really come inside," Lilian said, surprising Miranda.

"...uh, that's a little forward," she said, laughing.

"I know, I know that, and I should apologize for it but...okay look, I'm gonna level with you...for the past few years, the only people I've slept with have been weirdos and creeps I meet at the parties I work. Guys who ask me to keep the crown on, because it makes them feel like they're...well, I don't have to explain to you the implications. They're perverts, plain and simple. Sex has been so empty and meaningless for so long that I don't even remember what it's like to have it with someone you genuinely are attracted to."

"This is really up front," Miranda said, laughing, "I appreciate your bluntness."

"I know it's weird, and I know we've only known one another a while, and we've only gone out a few times seriously, but...I really like you. I like you in a way that I don't know that I've ever liked anyone, and that's scary to me, but it's also exhilarating. I spent so much of my life trying to please others with my beauty that I forgot I was allowed to find someone beautiful too, and you're so beautiful, and...god, please come in."

"First of all," Miranda said, chuckling as she looked at her feet and blushed, "I'd like you to know this is the most awkward and pathetic anyone has ever been to get into my pants, and secondly, I'd like you to know just how well it's working."

Lilian laughed, finally feeling the tension break, as she took Miranda's hand and slowly brought her into the apartment. The door shut behind them, and they didn't even bother turning the lights on. She dragged Miranda to her bedroom and pushed her on the bed, climbing on top of her and kissing her as much as she could everywhere she could. Miranda couldn't help but feel a little flattered, as she'd never experienced this level of adoration from anyone romantically. Miranda reached up and ran her hands through Lilian's hair as she fell on her back, Lilian fully on top of her.

"I can understand why you were in beauty pageants," Miranda said quietly, "but the beauty I see isn't the same beauty they saw."

"God you're such a sap," Lilian replied, both of them giggling nervously, until Lilian, her eyes watering with tears, quietly whispered, "I think I'm in love with you."

"I think I'm okay with that," Miranda remarked, kissing her back.

Come the following morning, when Lilian woke up next to Miranda, she couldn't believe what she'd done. She'd actually done something for herself for a change, and she didn't even feel all that selfish about it. But, even moreso than that, she couldn't help but appreciate the fact that, for the first time in years, she was in a bed with someone she actually wanted to be in bed with, and not just because she wanted some kind of release. Lilian pulled herself up to Miranda's side, and felt Miranda wrap her arms around her, and together they fell back asleep until the early afternoon.

Sometimes the hero a princess gets is never the one she expected.

"I appreciate the drive," John said, clicking his seatbelt in as Lilian pulled away from the trailer and headed back to the front gates as he continued, saying, "especially, you know, after what you did to my car."

"Uh, pardon? You did that to my car," Lilian said.

"Well, we can agree to disagree," John said, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "can I smoke in here?"

"I don't care."

John lit up his cigarette, rolled down his window and held it out so it wouldn't ash in the car seeing as Lilian's didn't have an ashtray built in. They sat in silence for a bit, then finally John turned and looked at her again as she pulled up to a red light.

"Why are you doing this for me?" he asked.

"...because we really need an adult," Lilian replied.

John couldn't argue with that.

                                                                                  ***

The company used to have a monthly get together, where everyone would come, not in costume, and would discuss business and their recent interactions with guests, and of course, company issues. Usually it was held at a nearby park, but since Vera and everyone else had essentially made a new company and left the old one in the dust, they couldn't hold it there anymore. Vera suggested they not only continue the tradition, but also move it to a very old park that nobody really went to anymore. This park was on the opposite side of town from the previous, so same distance just in a different direction, and was wild west themed. It was an unusual park, but considering these were unusual people involved in an unusual business, it all seemed to fit together quite nicely. Besides, Tyler, being a cowboy, really liked it.

Tyler and Vera had come together, while Alexis had been given a ride by Josh. Alexis and Josh were already there by the time Tyler and Vera arrived, and were surprised to find them hanging out on a defunct train car that had been used in an actual highway robbery back in the day.

"Better make sure you don't fall off," Vera said, "you could really hurt yourself. That shit's real metal."

"Yeah, thanks MOM," Alexis said, rolling her eyes, "I know that, and I like to live dangerously. It's not like it's moving."

"So," Vera said, looking from Alexis to Josh and smiling, "how are you liking working with us?"

"I gotta admit, it was a bit weird at first," Josh said, "uh, but I do like it. It's...I don't know, oddly comforting? Like, it's nice to be around kids, happy kids, and they're happy because the day is about them and you're there to make the day better so in a way you're making them happy. It's nice to have a life filled with joy instead of resentment."

"That's probably the most elegant way anyone's ever described what they do here," Vera said, "you should've heard her last evaluation response when asked how she liked working with us," she added, nodding at Alexis. Josh looked at Alexis, who was taking a bite out of an apple.

"I said 'it's cool as shit, dawg', which, in my defense, is a valid and accurate response," Alexis said, making Josh laugh, and even Vera chuckled before she turned away from them and checked her wristwatch, sighing. Tyler sidled up to her and touched her shoulder, his voice low.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"I don't know where Lilian is," she said, "she should be here by now."

                                                                                  ***

"I can't believe you work for a company that does this," John said, "honestly, that's weird. I never worked for a company. There's no Clown Organization I go through or anything. I'm just a clown. I didn't have to get certified. It's just odd is all."

"Well we like to appear professional, we want the people who hire us to know that they don't have to worry about our behavior and that we are dependable and appropriate around their children," Lilian said as she turned a corner and began heading down another street towards a bridge, crossing into the other side of town.

"I just mean," John said, coughing and tapping his cigarette outside the window, "that I didn't choose this because it was some life calling. I chose it cause it was easy, and I'm lazy as shit. It's not like I told my mom and dad 'hey, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a clown!' because who honestly chooses that as a profession? Weirdos, that's who."

"But the weirdos are our kind of people," Lilian replied, making John chuckle.

"I guess, but I just wish I had a regular set of talents, you know? Carpentry, blacksmithing, baking, those kinds of things."

"What time period do you wanna live in, exactly?" Lilian asked, making him laugh loudly.

"You know what I mean!" he said, "Like, didn't you have any idea, when you were a little girl, what it was you wanted to do when you grew up?"

The car got quiet, as Lillian chewed on her cheek and sighed.

"Not really. My whole adolescence, to a point anyway, was governed by my mother and her obsession with beauty pageants, so I suppose I just accepted at face value whatever she said I would do. I guess I thought I'd be a model? I don't really know, honestly."

John nodded and scratched his forehead. He took another long drag from his cigarette, then ashed it again out the window and exhaled.

"What would you wanna do if you could? Like say tomorrow you could suddenly have any job you wanted without needing qualifications. What would you pick?" John asked, and Lilian smirked.

"This," she said calmly, "I'd choose this."

                                                                                 ***

Josh was sitting outside the park with headphones on, listening to music as they watched the lot, waiting for Lilian's car. When it finally pulled in, they watched Lilian and a man they didn't recognize get out and approach the park. The man waved politely at Josh before heading past them and right inside, while Lilian knelt down and pushed Josh's headphones back a bit so they could hear her.

"You're a bit late," they said.

"I know," she replied, before kissing them and adding, "but who cares. It's not like it's real work. It's just a company event. Is Vera mad?"

"Is Vera ever not mad?" Josh asked as they got up and, along with Lilian, headed inside the park; they continued, "I mean it, she has two modes: angry, and mildly less angry."

"She's got a lot on her plate, a lot to deal with," Lilian said, "especially when you factor in Alexis, who is a handful in and of herself. She's like having a perpetual 17 year old who never stops begging for rides to the mall. God love her but jesus can she be tough to wrangle."

"I was wondering," Josh said, "could I maybe get a replacement name tag?"

"Why? You lose yours?"

"No I...I think I'm gonna change my name," Josh said, making Lilian stop in her tracks. The two stood there, near the front of the park, staring at one another for a minute before Josh added, "you know, cause I...I'm just...I'm not that person that the world thought I was and maybe it'd be better if I started using a name I want that I feel better fits me."

"You'd have to ask Vera but I don't think she'd mind, she's pretty accommodating, any ideas on what you want?"

Josh hesitated, grimacing.

"I've thought about a few, but I haven't really settled on anything just yet," they said, "all I know is that the longer I keep going by the name my parents gave me, the name that doesn't represent who I look like now, the worse I'm gonna feel, and it might even likely present danger to me at some point, considering who I'm around. Nobody needs that nonsense."

Lilian approached them and took their hand in hers, smiling, as she continued to lead them further into the park.

"I think," she said, "whatever name you pick will be great. No matter what, nothing will be worse than Stinko."

Josh furrowed their brow, confused, but soon enough they'd understand.

                                                                                    ***

Maddie had taken to sitting by her fathers bedside ever since he'd come home from the hospital. They didn't talk. He slept most of the time anyway, so she'd read a book or do some homework or color. But she liked being near him. She liked that, even in the state he was in, he was actually home nevertheless. But she was worried...he didn't seem to be getting better. If anything, for what Maddie could tell, he seemed to be getting worse somehow. He was weaker, slower, less energized. She figured it might take a while for him to get back to his usual self, sure, but she didn't understand why no progress at all whatsoever was being made.

The bedroom door opened and her mother, Jessie, entered, carrying a tray of his lunch. Maddie looked up and the two smiled at one another as Jessie slowly crept into the room and set the tray on a nearby dresser, before sitting in a chair next to her daughter and looking at what she was doing.

"English?" she asked, and Maddie nodded; Jessie cleared her throat and said, "you know, if you need any help, I majored in english. It's what I'm best at. I would like to help you on your homework, but only if you really need it."

"Thanks mom, but I'm okay." Maddie said, before glancing towards her father and sighing, asking, "when is dad gonna get better?"

"It's gonna take a bit," Jessie said, sighing and looking at her husband, "he suffered a pretty nasty heart attack, and seeing as it's something that runs in his family, it's something he's going to have to be cautious about now, as are we in regards to helping him. But he should be back up and on his feet soon enough."

With that, Jessie stood up, patted her daughter on the shoulder, and headed back out of the room, leaving Maddie alone with her barely awake father. Maddie sighed and continued to do her homework, until she heard her father grumbling something. She looked back up and leaned forward, hoping to hear him speak. His lips moved, but his words...his words terrified her.

"please...stop her," he said softly.

                                                                                     ***

"I'm a professional," Alexis said sternly.

"A professional what, exactly? Fuck up?" Vera asked, hands on her hips as she and Alexis went at it verbally; she continued, "because I have had SO many complaints about you from various parties you've worked, it's not even funny. You've gone past being a morbid curiosity and into being an outright problem."

"Oh it's so fucking easy for you, isn't it, to judge from you ebony tower," Alexis said, "looking down on me because you don't have the problems I do, because you have family who loves you, because you're not forced to work parties and instead simply do the paperwork for overseeing the people who actually do this job. Look at you, all high and mighty, while I'm just high."

"Alright kids," John said, interjecting himself and pushing both Alexis and Vera down onto benches as he stood between them, "let's get one thing straight. Nothing breaks up a partnership faster than fighting, okay? But nothing also makes your connection to others you care deeply about stronger than fighting. There's a good and a bad way to go about this. Right now you're just spittin' words, and that's just going to get one another bitter and not wanna work together. BUT...if you can find constructive criticism in your harsh critiques, then perhaps we can make this happen. So, Vera, you worry about Alex being on drugs?"

"I don't work high," Alexis said flatly, "I'm not that big an asshole, jesus. Who cares what I do in my spare time?"

"She has a point," John said.

"It's not even about your drug habit," Vera said, "which, you're right, is entirely your business. It's about the fact that you don't behave properly at these events. So many times parents call me up afterwards, and even sometimes during, and tell me things that I cannot believe I'm hearing. Stuff like how you break the illusion of character by talking like a normal person instead of a pirate, or how you sometimes swear. We're supposed to be selling an immersive, family friendly experience."

"We're selling babysitting services and childrens entertainment, don't make it more than it is," Alexis said, looking away and folding her arms, "...that being said, I'll try not to swear, you are right, that isn't appropriate around kids. I guess it became so normalized because my parents swore around me all the time, but that doesn't mean it's okay for me to swear around other peoples children. I'll try and do better on that."

Vera smiled, and John nodded.

"See," he said, "see what happens when we talk firmly, but politely, instead of just screaming at one another? This is what communication and teamwork actually looks like. I've been doing this for 20 years, and let me tell you, in that time, I've rarely worked with others because I've found it impossible to meet with their ridiculous standards. But you all took this upon yourselves, started this business, hell, even left the old one from what Lil told me. That's...that's commitment to your craft, dedication to your work. This is something you decided to do together, so let's make it work for everyone involved, okay?"

Lilian and Josh were sitting a bit away, at another table, and listening to John. Josh finally looked at Lilian, who was just smiling like an idiot.

"Where'd you find this guy?" Josh asked.

"They ran into my car, but they also performed at my party when I was a little girl," she said, "...he's...oddly endearing, plus he's been doing this line of work for so long that I figured it might help to bring him in and get everyone on the same track, which he seems to be doing. I spent the last two weeks just trying to get him to agree to do this."

"Well, he seems pretty good at it," Josh said, "...what do you think about Miranda? I like that name."

Lilian smiled and leaned in, kissing them.

"I like it too," she whispered.

                                                                                ***

"Dad?" Maddie asked softly, prodding her father in his side, but he merely rolled over and groaned. What could he have meant by saying 'stop her'? Stop who? Her mother? Was her mother doing something to him? Impossible. Maddie knew her parents all too well, despite never getting to spend time with them. They were a lot of things, but they weren't killers. Maddie sighed and leaned back into her chair, licking her lips. Thirsty. She looked around and spotted a glass on the bedside table her father had been given, but hadn't drank from.

Maddie leaned forward, picked up the glass and looked at it. Still cold. It was carrot juice, something her father loved, and Maddie herself enjoyed. He wouldn't mind, after all, he hadn't drank from it. She lifted the glass to her lips when suddenly she felt it flung from her hands, the glass falling onto the carpeted floor, the carrot juice spilling everywhere. Maddie was in shock, not just at the action taken, but also at the fact that her father had somehow found the will to sit upright long enough to do this. He then collapsed onto his back and groaned. Maddie got up and looked over him in the bed.

"Dad?" she asked.

"Don't drink what she gives me," he whispered.

"...what? Why not?"

Her father grimaced, tears in his eyes, his lips quivering.

"Because it's poisoned," he said.

John Tarnum walked outside his trailer and headed to his mailbox. It was a beautiful day, the kind of beautiful day that, at one point in time, he might've savored. Now, however, they simply annoyed him. He groaned as he shielded his eyes from the suns ever present and relentless rays, and headed down the walk to his mailbox, tugging at the lid until it flopped open. He reached inside and grabbed his mail, then stood there and leafed through it momentarily. A few checks. Junk. A magazine subscription. And then...at the very end...there was a letter. A letter with clearly child written words on the front. This piqued his interest and so he slit the top and pulled out the paper inside, which had the same discernible child hand writing all over it. It read:

"Dear Mr. Stinko, thank you for coming to my birthday party! You were SO funny! I told all my friends who didn't come about you, and now they want you for their parties! I drew this for you! Love, Marie."

And that's when he heard the plop sound. He looked down to the dirt and noticed another piece of folded paper, so he knelt down and grabbed it. He stood back up and unfolded the paper, and his eyes were immediately filled with tears. Inside was her rendition of himself, dressed as a clown, and the birthday girl, also dressed as a clown, having a lot of fun together. He wiped his eyes on his long sleeve shirt, then tucked the letter and the drawing neatly back into the envelope, just as his neighbor, an older woman named Harriet, came out to get her own mail.

"Anything good today, John?" she asked.

"...yeah, yeah there was," he replied, smiling like an idiot, before heading back inside.

John Tarnum's life was awful, but every now and then, Stinko the Clown managed to bring a little bit of light into someone else's life, and that, he figured, was worth the effort.

                                                                                 ***

"Why would anyone ruin perfectly good pancakes by putting stuff in them?" Alexis asked as she, Lillian and Tyler sat at the table in the diner eating breakfast; she skewered a pancake piece with her fork, and held it up, seemingly examining it as she continued, "and why do I, despite knowing the outcome, fall for its lies every single time? You'd think by this point I'd recognize that pancakes with stuff in them are awful, be they blueberries, chocolate chips or anything else."

"It's hope," Lillian said, biting into her breakfast sandwich, "you have hope. You so badly wanna be proven wrong that you keep believing there'll one day be a chance that a waitress will set down a plate of special pancakes and you'll finally understand the appeal. It's admirable, if anything."

"...Ew, I'm hopeful? That's disgusting," Alexis said, making them laugh.

"So," Tyler said, "what's everyone doing for their day off?"

"I have errands to run," Lillian said, "laundry, groceries, you know, all that fun stuff everyone loves so much. You guys?"

"I'm gonna go home, lie on the couch and watch nature documentaries about giant fish," Alexis said.

"Oooh, I like that option," Tyler remarked, taking a sip of his coffee before saying, "I think I'm gonna do what Alexis is doing, but at my place. Maybe I'll bake something."

"You bake?" Alexis asked, "That's so wholesome."

Lillian checked her watch and groaned.

"I guess I better get going," she said, nudging Tyler so he'd scoot out and let her free from the booth, which he did. She stood at the side of the table and pulled her jacket on, then pulled her long hair up into a messy bun and sighed, looking at them both before saying, "Welp, have a good day, don't get into trouble."

Alexis and Tyler watched Lillian leave, then Alexis looked back at Tyler and said, "let's do crimes while she's gone."

Lillian headed out through the main doors and into the parking lot. She pulled open her car door and slid into the drivers seat, pushing her keys into the ignition, then starting the engine before sighing again and pulling her rearview mirror down and looking at her face, her makeup job. She hadn't been feeling all that attractive lately, despite Josh's utter insistence that she was the most beautiful girl ever. She pushed the mirror back up and then backed out of the parking lot and onto the street, heading on her way to do her errands. Her princess dress was laying in the backseat of the car amongst other laundry, a vigilant reminder that no matter what day it was, she was never too far from being at work.

                                                                              ***

John was standing in line at a bakery. He was looking at the pictures on the wall beside him, historic shots of the location, their opening, things like that. He'd been in line for 15 minutes now, and was beginning to get frustrated. How long's it take someone to order a box of donuts? After a minute of looking at an old advertising piece hung on the wall, he noticed the woman in front of him was looking back at him and sneering, which got his attention.

"What?" he asked.

"Can you believe this?" she asked, "she's holding up the entire line."

John glanced around her and up to the front counter where he saw another woman, with a little girl beside her who happened to have a prosthetic leg. The little girl seemed to almost be in tears, and the woman - presumably the mother - looked fed up. John asked the woman to hold his spot, then walked past the line and up to the front where he stopped at the couple, both of whom looked at him.

"Yes?" the woman asked.

"Well it's just that you're holding up the entire line and I figured I'd do everyone a favor and figure out WHY that is," he said, shrugging.

"Because I'm dealing with a child who doesn't understand the concept of 'no'," the woman said, "do you have children? Because if you don't, then I doubt you'd understand."

"I had a daughter, yes, and I work with children every day," John said, "so what, she wants something and you don't wanna get it for her and she's understandably upset by this transaction, am I right in assuming what's happening here? Because it seems to me that she's already got a bum hand in life by being disabled. Not because being disabled is a bad thing, but because of how society will treat her for it. And then you, her own mother, is gonna tell her she can't have, what, a cookie? A pastry? The one person she should be able to count and depend on, especially in her situation, is gonna tell her she can't have a single nice thing that might make her day even a smidge better?"

A silence filled the bakery, as everyone was watching now with baited breath. The woman, whose jaw was slightly ajar from this mans sudden approach and verbal assault, took a long deep breath and then blinked a few times, as if she was having trouble seeing what was actually happening in front of her.

"Cause like it or not, your kid is disabled, and her world is already smaller because of that. Why take away one of the few creature comforts left for a child dealing with such a persistent life long issue?" John asked, "the person holding up the line isn't her for not understanding the value of 'no', it's you, for not understanding the value of 'yes' when said to her in the right moments. What do you want, sweetheart, what is it your own mother won't get for you?" John asked, kneeling down to the little girls eye level.

She sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sweater sleeve, glancing up at her mother, then back at John.

"I just wanted a sprinkle donut, that's all," she managed to whisper.

John nodded, stood back up, ordered a sprinkled donut and, upon getting it over the counter, handed it to the little girl, before looking at her mother and smiling.

"There," he said, "now she knows she can depend on strangers to make her feel better moreso than her own family. It's sadly a lesson we all must learn eventually," he said, before walking back to his spot in line. The woman in front of him, who'd been holding his spot, had the biggest grin on her face as she turned to look at him now behind her once more.

"You were amazing," she said.

"I do what I can," John remarked.

And it's true. When it came to helping little girls, John Tarnum did what he could, no matter what the cost.

                                                                                 ***

Standing in the cereal aisle of the grocery store, looking at various boxes, Lillian couldn't believe her whole life could come to a grinding halt on deciding on breakfast foods. She heard a cart coming down the aisle behind her, which then stopped, and then she heard someone walk up beside her and looked down to see Maddy.

"Hey!" she said happily, as Maddie hugged her around the waist; Lillian glanced around and asked, "are you...are you here by yourself?"

"No, my mom's here, but she's in the bathroom so she told me to push the cart by myself for a bit and go get some cereal," Maddison said, "...what kind of cereal do you like?"

"Oh god, all of it, honestly, and that's the problem," Lillian said, "do I want something that's pure sugar, do I want something that pretends it isn't pure sugar but is almost pure sugar, or do I want something that's so healthy that it's inedible and the equivalent of eating a rotted garden hose?"

Maddie laughed, and Lillian smiled. She liked these times when she and Maddy were alone. It reminded herself of being a child with her own mother, when they did get along, when things were actually good, when she wasn't doing pageants.

"I like the ones that come with toys," Maddie said, "but they don't really do that much anymore."

"It's true! A time honored tradition killed by a poor economy," Lillian said, shaking her head, "when will the senseless killing end?"

Just then they heard someone walking up behind them, and they both turned to see Maddie's mother, Jessie, standing there. She was just standing there, watching Maddie interact with Lillian, and smiled when the girls turned to see her. Lillian felt something drop in the pit of her stomach, and she tucked her hair back behind one of her ears, smiling nervously.

"H-hi," she said, "uh, I'm Lillian Phillips, I'm a friend of your daughters babysitter, and your daughter, I guess."

"I know who you are," Jessie said, "it's fine, you don't have to be nervous. Thanks for keeping her company while I was in the bathroom. So, you find some cereal you like?"

Maddie nodded, grabbing a box and tossing it into the cart, then waving goodbye to Lillian. Jessie also waved goodbye to Lillian, and together they continued on down the aisle. Lillian stood there, somewhat speechless but also uncertain of what Maddie's mom must think of her. Why would a grown woman wanna be friends with a little girl? It didn't strike Jessie as weird at all? And certainly, Lillian had no creepy ulterior motives. She was just genuinely concerned for Maddie's well being, as was Rina, but from the outside looking in, especially as a parent, it had to seem strange, right?

Lillian sighed and picked out a few boxes of cereal herself, then continued with her shopping. She figured she'd take her dress to the cleaners next. After all, she had to be back at work the next day, and a princess certainly couldn't be seen in a dirty gown.

                                                                            ***

John couldn't get the little girl from the bakery off his mind.

He hated parents like that woman. Parents who intentionally made their childs lives a living hell for the sake of teaching them something, when in reality they're teaching them the wrong things in the worst ways. He wanted to talk that woman down some more, but there was only so much you can say to someone like her. Eventually your words of wisdom go in one ear and out the other. John chewed his lip and thought about his daughter, fighting back tears. He came to a red light and stopped, tapping along on his steering wheel with his fingers to the song on the radio. His eyes casually glanced down and noticed the wedding ring on his finger, and he smiled a little. The light changed to green again, and he kept driving.

What was it, he wondered, that made people unable to think about how it feels to be a child? At what point in life does a person seem to lose the ability to remember how big and scary and unfair the world once felt, and not because the world is actually those things, but simply because you were so young it just seemed all that much worse. On one hand John hated pseudo science, and laughed at the idea of the 'inner child', but on the other hand he knew full well it was a real thing, and that by scoffing at it, he was only hurting himself and his work. He knew that kids who didn't enjoy being kids often hate being adults, and long to be kids again when they're older. If you don't have a happy childhood, your chances of having a happy adulthood are even less, he found.

But he couldn't think about it for too long, because not only did it depress him, but he was so lost in his thought that he didn't see the car in front of him had stopped again, and he hit them. Metal on metal, glass shattering from the taillights, John immediately swore under his breath and climbed out of the car. As he walked around to the front, he saw the driver of the other car getting out as well. A long hair brunette, tall and lanky, surveying the damage. She sighed and ran a hand through her shiny hair as John approached.

"I am SO sorry," he said, "Sincerely, I'll...I'll pay for any damage and-"

"No, it's fine, I co-own a business, I have good insurance," she replied, "I'm just...I'm gonna need a ride to work now because I can't show up in not just a jalopy but a beat up jalopy at that."

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, I wasn't...I wasn't paying attention, and, god, lemme give you my card, and you can call me and we can work something out and-"

He began to dig around in his wallet, before pulling out a business card and handing it to her. He then knelt down and inspected the taillights, as if he knew anything about what he was looking at. The woman looked at his card and then looked down at him. He was rubbing his forehead and sighing profusely.

"Christ," he muttered, "uh, look, I'd still like to give you something, money or something, and-"

"Stinko?" she asked, as he slowly rose back up and looked at her, one eyebrow raised as she continued, "Stinko the Clown?"

"Yeah, I...I'm a clown, I do parties, sorry it's not the most professional card or name, but-"

"...you performed at my birthday," the woman said, "Do you remember me? My name is Lillian. I was...I was hiding out in my plastic castle in the backyard when you found me and you were kinda drunk, and...and you just hung out with me for a while. Do you...do you remember me?"

John pushed his hands into his coat pockets and exhaled, shaking his head.

"Holy shit does time fly," he said.