It was a slow day.
No tours had been scheduled, there was barely any work to be done, and most everyone was able to kind of do whatever it was they wanted. This meant, for Robin, being led by Sophie towards The Lagoon, where the turtles lived. Robin had been sitting in the break room with Fletcher and Kacie initially as he read through a magazine with a feature spread on Seahorses. Robin was sitting in a chair, drinking coffee, as he read aloud.
"Seahorses are the only species in which the male gets pregnant and gives birth, when a female transfers eggs to a male's enclosed brood pouch," Fletcher said, "you know, I can't say I envy those that have to carry children. Birth sounds like a painful, horrifying process."
"You're a painful, horrifying process," Robin said, making Kacie chuckle.
"Yeah, but in me it's endearing," Fletcher replied.
The door opened and Sophie walked in, leaned against the wall and sighed heavily. Clearly she'd been working hard, gathering garbage and doing cleaning. Taking advantage of the fact that the zoo was, more or less, empty today so she could really manage to get things clean and tidy again. Sophie locked eyes with Robin and Robin smiled at her, making Sophie blush.
"What are you reading about?" Sophie asked, glancing at Fletcher.
"Seahorse pregnancy," Kacie said, answering for him.
"Why can't you ever read something normal? Like a good ol' fashioned kids mystery book?" Sophie asked.
"Yeah, don't you wanna read The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Seahorse Embryo?" Robin asked, everyone laughing.
"Look, you guys don't have to be in here," Fletcher said, "I'm just trying to educate as well as entertain, alright?"
Sophie walked past the table and stopped by Robin, leaning down and whispering.
"Do you want to come see something with me?" she asked, and Robin smiled, nodded, and got up. Together the two women exited the room, leaving Fletcher and Kacie to their ingestion of animal reproduction material. They headed down the hall and out the main hall, then into the main foyer until they reached the outside, the circle of the zoo, and Robin looked around, removing her little visor cap and tossing her hair. Sophie reached down and grabbed Robin by the hand, leading her, which made Robin blush.
"So where are we going?" Robin asked.
"We're going to see a turtle," Sophie said.
***
"There's no question," the doctor told Sophie's parents, "We've run a gamut of tests, both psychological and educational, and all indicators point to our suspicions. Your daughter clearly has a myriad of developmental delays. She's just not where she should be when compared to her peers."
The thing that Sophie hated, looking back on these memories, was how everyone spoke about her in front of her, but never to her. She felt like furniture, or a sick pet that didn't have a say in her autonomy. So instead she sat quietly, patiently, simply listening to adults discuss her apparent mental disabilities.
"This isn't a bad thing, for the record," the doctor continued, "many children with developmental delays and disabilities go on to be successful and manage to have completely fulfilling lives, if they get the help they need to do so. Really, all it means is that she won't be the same as her peers. Her interests might lag behind that of her peers, for instance. She might prefer to do childlike things well into her teens, or act like a teenager somewhat into adulthood. She might struggle to learn things. But there are things you can do to help her."
Sophie looked from the doctor to her parents, both of whom seemed absolutely distraught, as if their daughter had just died in front of them. Her mother had one hand clamped over her mouth, squinting, as if near tears, while her father was rubbing his forehead. Sophie didn't understand what the big deal was, she didn't really care one way or the other, but apparently it was a big deal to those around her. And then, when she was a teenager, her mother would say something to her that would change her entire perspective on the situation.
***
"It's Gordon's birthday," Sophie said, carrying a small bowl of leaves and greens to the turtle habitat, Robin by her side; Sophie continued, "he's not the oldest turtle here, but he's my favorite. So every year I bring it upon myself to get him a nice little meal so he knows that he's appreciated."
"That's really cute, Sophie," Robin said, quickly leaning in and smooching her on the cheek, making Sophie blush.
"Well, not enough people give attention to the turtles, cause they're not generally the most exciting animals," Sophie said, "but I love turtles. I think they're a great example of not taking life too seriously and not to go too fast, to just sort of take things as they come. Be relaxed. Nothing wrong with being slow."
"I think that's a good way to see it, sure!" Robin said, "So you've just taken it upon yourself to do this?"
"Well, kind of," Sophie said, "but they also remind me of myself."
Robin raised an eyebrow, confused at this. They finally approached the Lagoon and Sophie whistled, and much to Robin's surprise, a very large turtle carried himself up a little hill and to the gate, where Sophie knelt and slid the bowl full of food through and to him. Gordon started chomping away as Sophie sat cross legged on the ground in front of the habitat, watching, as Robin seated herself beside Sophie, watching as well.
"Okay, I need to ask," Robin said, "how do turtles remind you of yourself? Such an interesting animal to find solace in."
"Because they're slow and I'm slow," Sophie said, "like that little girl on that tour, but not as bad as she seemed to be. Course she was also really young. When I was a little girl, I had trouble learning anything, retaining information, or having the same interests as the other kids around me. I didn't start talking until I was 5, I couldn't read until I was 10, and even then, as I got older, I still liked little kids cartoons while other girls my age were getting into age appropriate dramas and talking about boys they found cute."
Robin stayed quiet, listening intently, very surprised to hear this.
"But...while my parents seemed really upset about it, I never really was," Sophie continued, "I just...saw myself as me. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I was just not like them. I mean, there were times when I felt a little bad about being so different, but that was mostly when my parents made me feel bad about it, or some of the other girls would make fun of me. So I like turtles, cause they're slow too, but they're also the most amazing animals. They live forever, and they don't live their life according to anyone elses expectations of them except their own, and that's so admirable. So I'm slow. So what. I'm also able to understand things others can't. Things about people. Because I can take more time to think about it instead of acting immediately on emotion. I think the trade off is fair."
Robin wanted to cry. She had always had a sneaking suspicion that Sophie wasn't exactly neurotypical, but she'd never expected an admission like this. Sophie had always come across as 'different' in some sense of the word, but she'd never come across as what she was describing, so Robin was very surprised.
"For what it's worth," Robin said, dabbing at her eyes with her sweater sleeve, trying not to openly cry, "I think you're very capable and intelligent."
"That's cause you haven't seen me at my worst, but you will, and then you'll feel different. They always do," Sophie said quietly, looking at Gordon eating, and Robin's heart broke a little bit more.
"Why...why would you think anything would ever change how I feel about you?" Robin asked, and Sophie shrugged.
"Cause that's what my mom told me," Sophie said.
***
"Are you really that surprised nobody has asked you to go to the dance?" Sophie's mother asked.
They were both in the kitchen - this was a few months before Sophie would ultimately be pulled from school and be homeschooled for the remainder of her academic career - with her mother baking while Sophie herself sat at the kitchen table reading an easy chapter book, despite being in 7th grade now.
"I mean, really," her mother continued as she stirred the mix in the bowl on the counter, "you can't blame them. And it isn't because there's something wrong with you, it's because of their perception of you, and what being seen with someone with your perceived status would say about them to your peers. They'd scared of being judged, so they won't ask you."
Sophie shook her head, wanting to respond, but scared that anything she might say would upset her mother.
"Listen," her mother added, finally walking away from the counter and sitting down at the table next to Sophie, a hand on her back, rubbing gently, "it isn't indicative of your worth, it's indicative of the way they interact with the world, okay? So don't let it let you feel bad about yourself. But...at the same time, you have to know that things like relationships are always going to be hard for you, and it might be impossible to find someone patient and understanding enough to be willing to love you in the way you need and deserve, but again, not indicative of you, but moreso indicative of how selfish and callous people can be."
"So nobody will ever love me?" Sophie asked, finally looking up from her book at her mother.
"I didn't say never, I just said it might be harder for you than it is for most," her mother replied, "but that doesn't mean it's impossible."
Sophie nodded, listening but not wanting to believe what her mother was telling her, because, well, who would? Who would want to believe that, thanks to something they had no control over, they were suddenly less worthy of love and understanding from another person? That was heartbreaking to even attempt to accept. In the end, however, her mothers words rang true. Anytime Sophie did try to reach out to someone in a romantic manner - which, admittedly wasn't often but still - she was rejected time and time and time again, almost always based on the grounds of her intelligence, her weirdness, her inability to be like a normal partner. So Sophie withdrew into herself, and she internalized her mothers words to the nth degree, believing that, okay, she really was incapable of being loved and accepted and understood. No woman would ever treat her with the understanding and compassion and kindness that she so desperately craved.
And then she met Robin Glass.
***
"Well," Robin said, "first of all, I'm grateful you feel safe enough with me to tell me these things, because that means a lot, and secondly, your mother was clearly wrong. Sure, most people probably are that shallow, but I'm not most people, and there are other women out there who are like me who would also see your value, and your worth, and love you too."
"I don't want other women," Sophie said, sniffling, still not looking at Robin, "...I want you."
"Well you have me," Robin replied, smiling, reaching out and squeezing Sophie's hand, causing Sophie to suddenly lean in against her and bury her face into the chest of Robin's uniform. Robin could tell this was a hard thing for Sophie to talk about, and she clearly needed comfort, so she reached up and ran a hand through her hair, petting her comfortingly like she knew she liked.
"I have you now," Sophie cried gently, "but what about when you get tired of dealing with me?"
"That's not gonna happe, Sophie," Robin said, half laughing, "god, I don't know if it's this belief your mother instilled into you or what but...you are SO worthy of love, and I'm going to give that and more to you. I promise that I'm not going to just up and stop feeling for you just because of who and how you are. If anything, who and how you are is exactly why I fell for you in the first place. You're so..."
Sophie raised her face up a bit and looked at Robin, who shook her head and smiled down at her, her hand on her cheek.
"You're so everything," Robin continued, "I'm...god I'm so in love with you."
Sophie blushed and Robin leaned down and kissed her, making Sophie start to cry as she kissed her back. In that moment, anything that Sophie's mother or any doctor or her peers could have ever told her melted away and she finally felt safe and heard and seen. Robin had taken all of Sophie's fears, crumpled them up and thrown them directly into the garbage. All that mattered was that she adored Sophie with all her heart, and never questioned her or doubted her or misinterpreted her.
"Think of it this way," Robin said, resting her forehead on Sophie's, "...if you can love a turtle because it's slow, because everyone else doesn't see its worth, then I can love you for the same reason. You're both so much more than you see yourselves as, or as others see you as."
Sophie smiled, her eyes squinting, biting her lip.
"Please don't stop kissing me," she whispered.
"Can do," Robin replied, giggling, leaning in and continuing to do so.
It was a slow day.
But it was a good day.
***
Robin entered Sophie's house, her parents not being home, and Sophie led her upstairs to her attic bedroom. Once inside, Sophie turned on her soft fairylights and then, taking Robin by the hand, led her to the bed. Together they lad down and Robin started spooning her. There was nothing sexual about it, it was all about comfort. Sophie pulled a plush turtle she'd bought at the gift shop at the zoo to her chest and squeezed it tight as Robin buried her face in Sophie's hair and breathed her scent in.
The thing was, neither of these women ever expected this sort of thing. Sophie never figured she'd find someone to love her this way, and Robin never thought she'd fall in love with another woman. Robin squeezed her arms tightly around Sophie's waist and kissed Sophie between the shoulder blades. Sophie smiled and shut her eyes.
"Thank you," Sophie whispered.
"For what?"
"For everything."
Robin chuckled and nodded, pressing her cheek against Sophie's skin.
"Of course," Robin said, "I'll always do it."
Sophie pushed back into Robin, and Robin held her as close as possible. The door was locked, so her parents weren't able to get in if they wanted to check on her when they got home. She was entitled to her privacy if nothing else, and she knew her folks would never force their way into her room and invade her personal space, so. As they lay there, Sophie thought back to that conversation with her mother, about how difficult she would be to love, and in the end, she couldn't help but laugh internally at the concept. Difficult to love? Nah. If anything, she was the easiest thing to love in the world, and all the love that she had given to others was finally being given back to her threefold.
Maybe tomorrow she'd take Gordon a fish.
No tours had been scheduled, there was barely any work to be done, and most everyone was able to kind of do whatever it was they wanted. This meant, for Robin, being led by Sophie towards The Lagoon, where the turtles lived. Robin had been sitting in the break room with Fletcher and Kacie initially as he read through a magazine with a feature spread on Seahorses. Robin was sitting in a chair, drinking coffee, as he read aloud.
"Seahorses are the only species in which the male gets pregnant and gives birth, when a female transfers eggs to a male's enclosed brood pouch," Fletcher said, "you know, I can't say I envy those that have to carry children. Birth sounds like a painful, horrifying process."
"You're a painful, horrifying process," Robin said, making Kacie chuckle.
"Yeah, but in me it's endearing," Fletcher replied.
The door opened and Sophie walked in, leaned against the wall and sighed heavily. Clearly she'd been working hard, gathering garbage and doing cleaning. Taking advantage of the fact that the zoo was, more or less, empty today so she could really manage to get things clean and tidy again. Sophie locked eyes with Robin and Robin smiled at her, making Sophie blush.
"What are you reading about?" Sophie asked, glancing at Fletcher.
"Seahorse pregnancy," Kacie said, answering for him.
"Why can't you ever read something normal? Like a good ol' fashioned kids mystery book?" Sophie asked.
"Yeah, don't you wanna read The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Seahorse Embryo?" Robin asked, everyone laughing.
"Look, you guys don't have to be in here," Fletcher said, "I'm just trying to educate as well as entertain, alright?"
Sophie walked past the table and stopped by Robin, leaning down and whispering.
"Do you want to come see something with me?" she asked, and Robin smiled, nodded, and got up. Together the two women exited the room, leaving Fletcher and Kacie to their ingestion of animal reproduction material. They headed down the hall and out the main hall, then into the main foyer until they reached the outside, the circle of the zoo, and Robin looked around, removing her little visor cap and tossing her hair. Sophie reached down and grabbed Robin by the hand, leading her, which made Robin blush.
"So where are we going?" Robin asked.
"We're going to see a turtle," Sophie said.
***
"There's no question," the doctor told Sophie's parents, "We've run a gamut of tests, both psychological and educational, and all indicators point to our suspicions. Your daughter clearly has a myriad of developmental delays. She's just not where she should be when compared to her peers."
The thing that Sophie hated, looking back on these memories, was how everyone spoke about her in front of her, but never to her. She felt like furniture, or a sick pet that didn't have a say in her autonomy. So instead she sat quietly, patiently, simply listening to adults discuss her apparent mental disabilities.
"This isn't a bad thing, for the record," the doctor continued, "many children with developmental delays and disabilities go on to be successful and manage to have completely fulfilling lives, if they get the help they need to do so. Really, all it means is that she won't be the same as her peers. Her interests might lag behind that of her peers, for instance. She might prefer to do childlike things well into her teens, or act like a teenager somewhat into adulthood. She might struggle to learn things. But there are things you can do to help her."
Sophie looked from the doctor to her parents, both of whom seemed absolutely distraught, as if their daughter had just died in front of them. Her mother had one hand clamped over her mouth, squinting, as if near tears, while her father was rubbing his forehead. Sophie didn't understand what the big deal was, she didn't really care one way or the other, but apparently it was a big deal to those around her. And then, when she was a teenager, her mother would say something to her that would change her entire perspective on the situation.
***
"It's Gordon's birthday," Sophie said, carrying a small bowl of leaves and greens to the turtle habitat, Robin by her side; Sophie continued, "he's not the oldest turtle here, but he's my favorite. So every year I bring it upon myself to get him a nice little meal so he knows that he's appreciated."
"That's really cute, Sophie," Robin said, quickly leaning in and smooching her on the cheek, making Sophie blush.
"Well, not enough people give attention to the turtles, cause they're not generally the most exciting animals," Sophie said, "but I love turtles. I think they're a great example of not taking life too seriously and not to go too fast, to just sort of take things as they come. Be relaxed. Nothing wrong with being slow."
"I think that's a good way to see it, sure!" Robin said, "So you've just taken it upon yourself to do this?"
"Well, kind of," Sophie said, "but they also remind me of myself."
Robin raised an eyebrow, confused at this. They finally approached the Lagoon and Sophie whistled, and much to Robin's surprise, a very large turtle carried himself up a little hill and to the gate, where Sophie knelt and slid the bowl full of food through and to him. Gordon started chomping away as Sophie sat cross legged on the ground in front of the habitat, watching, as Robin seated herself beside Sophie, watching as well.
"Okay, I need to ask," Robin said, "how do turtles remind you of yourself? Such an interesting animal to find solace in."
"Because they're slow and I'm slow," Sophie said, "like that little girl on that tour, but not as bad as she seemed to be. Course she was also really young. When I was a little girl, I had trouble learning anything, retaining information, or having the same interests as the other kids around me. I didn't start talking until I was 5, I couldn't read until I was 10, and even then, as I got older, I still liked little kids cartoons while other girls my age were getting into age appropriate dramas and talking about boys they found cute."
Robin stayed quiet, listening intently, very surprised to hear this.
"But...while my parents seemed really upset about it, I never really was," Sophie continued, "I just...saw myself as me. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I was just not like them. I mean, there were times when I felt a little bad about being so different, but that was mostly when my parents made me feel bad about it, or some of the other girls would make fun of me. So I like turtles, cause they're slow too, but they're also the most amazing animals. They live forever, and they don't live their life according to anyone elses expectations of them except their own, and that's so admirable. So I'm slow. So what. I'm also able to understand things others can't. Things about people. Because I can take more time to think about it instead of acting immediately on emotion. I think the trade off is fair."
Robin wanted to cry. She had always had a sneaking suspicion that Sophie wasn't exactly neurotypical, but she'd never expected an admission like this. Sophie had always come across as 'different' in some sense of the word, but she'd never come across as what she was describing, so Robin was very surprised.
"For what it's worth," Robin said, dabbing at her eyes with her sweater sleeve, trying not to openly cry, "I think you're very capable and intelligent."
"That's cause you haven't seen me at my worst, but you will, and then you'll feel different. They always do," Sophie said quietly, looking at Gordon eating, and Robin's heart broke a little bit more.
"Why...why would you think anything would ever change how I feel about you?" Robin asked, and Sophie shrugged.
"Cause that's what my mom told me," Sophie said.
***
"Are you really that surprised nobody has asked you to go to the dance?" Sophie's mother asked.
They were both in the kitchen - this was a few months before Sophie would ultimately be pulled from school and be homeschooled for the remainder of her academic career - with her mother baking while Sophie herself sat at the kitchen table reading an easy chapter book, despite being in 7th grade now.
"I mean, really," her mother continued as she stirred the mix in the bowl on the counter, "you can't blame them. And it isn't because there's something wrong with you, it's because of their perception of you, and what being seen with someone with your perceived status would say about them to your peers. They'd scared of being judged, so they won't ask you."
Sophie shook her head, wanting to respond, but scared that anything she might say would upset her mother.
"Listen," her mother added, finally walking away from the counter and sitting down at the table next to Sophie, a hand on her back, rubbing gently, "it isn't indicative of your worth, it's indicative of the way they interact with the world, okay? So don't let it let you feel bad about yourself. But...at the same time, you have to know that things like relationships are always going to be hard for you, and it might be impossible to find someone patient and understanding enough to be willing to love you in the way you need and deserve, but again, not indicative of you, but moreso indicative of how selfish and callous people can be."
"So nobody will ever love me?" Sophie asked, finally looking up from her book at her mother.
"I didn't say never, I just said it might be harder for you than it is for most," her mother replied, "but that doesn't mean it's impossible."
Sophie nodded, listening but not wanting to believe what her mother was telling her, because, well, who would? Who would want to believe that, thanks to something they had no control over, they were suddenly less worthy of love and understanding from another person? That was heartbreaking to even attempt to accept. In the end, however, her mothers words rang true. Anytime Sophie did try to reach out to someone in a romantic manner - which, admittedly wasn't often but still - she was rejected time and time and time again, almost always based on the grounds of her intelligence, her weirdness, her inability to be like a normal partner. So Sophie withdrew into herself, and she internalized her mothers words to the nth degree, believing that, okay, she really was incapable of being loved and accepted and understood. No woman would ever treat her with the understanding and compassion and kindness that she so desperately craved.
And then she met Robin Glass.
***
"Well," Robin said, "first of all, I'm grateful you feel safe enough with me to tell me these things, because that means a lot, and secondly, your mother was clearly wrong. Sure, most people probably are that shallow, but I'm not most people, and there are other women out there who are like me who would also see your value, and your worth, and love you too."
"I don't want other women," Sophie said, sniffling, still not looking at Robin, "...I want you."
"Well you have me," Robin replied, smiling, reaching out and squeezing Sophie's hand, causing Sophie to suddenly lean in against her and bury her face into the chest of Robin's uniform. Robin could tell this was a hard thing for Sophie to talk about, and she clearly needed comfort, so she reached up and ran a hand through her hair, petting her comfortingly like she knew she liked.
"I have you now," Sophie cried gently, "but what about when you get tired of dealing with me?"
"That's not gonna happe, Sophie," Robin said, half laughing, "god, I don't know if it's this belief your mother instilled into you or what but...you are SO worthy of love, and I'm going to give that and more to you. I promise that I'm not going to just up and stop feeling for you just because of who and how you are. If anything, who and how you are is exactly why I fell for you in the first place. You're so..."
Sophie raised her face up a bit and looked at Robin, who shook her head and smiled down at her, her hand on her cheek.
"You're so everything," Robin continued, "I'm...god I'm so in love with you."
Sophie blushed and Robin leaned down and kissed her, making Sophie start to cry as she kissed her back. In that moment, anything that Sophie's mother or any doctor or her peers could have ever told her melted away and she finally felt safe and heard and seen. Robin had taken all of Sophie's fears, crumpled them up and thrown them directly into the garbage. All that mattered was that she adored Sophie with all her heart, and never questioned her or doubted her or misinterpreted her.
"Think of it this way," Robin said, resting her forehead on Sophie's, "...if you can love a turtle because it's slow, because everyone else doesn't see its worth, then I can love you for the same reason. You're both so much more than you see yourselves as, or as others see you as."
Sophie smiled, her eyes squinting, biting her lip.
"Please don't stop kissing me," she whispered.
"Can do," Robin replied, giggling, leaning in and continuing to do so.
It was a slow day.
But it was a good day.
***
Robin entered Sophie's house, her parents not being home, and Sophie led her upstairs to her attic bedroom. Once inside, Sophie turned on her soft fairylights and then, taking Robin by the hand, led her to the bed. Together they lad down and Robin started spooning her. There was nothing sexual about it, it was all about comfort. Sophie pulled a plush turtle she'd bought at the gift shop at the zoo to her chest and squeezed it tight as Robin buried her face in Sophie's hair and breathed her scent in.
The thing was, neither of these women ever expected this sort of thing. Sophie never figured she'd find someone to love her this way, and Robin never thought she'd fall in love with another woman. Robin squeezed her arms tightly around Sophie's waist and kissed Sophie between the shoulder blades. Sophie smiled and shut her eyes.
"Thank you," Sophie whispered.
"For what?"
"For everything."
Robin chuckled and nodded, pressing her cheek against Sophie's skin.
"Of course," Robin said, "I'll always do it."
Sophie pushed back into Robin, and Robin held her as close as possible. The door was locked, so her parents weren't able to get in if they wanted to check on her when they got home. She was entitled to her privacy if nothing else, and she knew her folks would never force their way into her room and invade her personal space, so. As they lay there, Sophie thought back to that conversation with her mother, about how difficult she would be to love, and in the end, she couldn't help but laugh internally at the concept. Difficult to love? Nah. If anything, she was the easiest thing to love in the world, and all the love that she had given to others was finally being given back to her threefold.
Maybe tomorrow she'd take Gordon a fish.