"Do I have to do this?" Violet asked, sitting at the kitchen table as Natasha prepared her breakfast. As she finished and set the plate on the table in front of Violet, Nat took a seat at the table across from her daughter and sighed.
"I think it's important that you have your father in your life, even if seeing him is painful for me," Nat said, "Because this is about you, not me. You deserve to have him around."
"But he...uh....he doesn't..."
"He doesn't what, kitten?"
"He doesn't like me," Violet whispered, and Natasha laughed.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked, "He loves you to death. It killed him having to leave you, believe me, that was the one silver lining for me, was the pain he got from not being able to be around you anymore. Your father adores you, sweetheart, so just try and work with him, okay? Don't be stubborn like me."
The doorbell rang, and Natasha stood up, heading to answer it as Violet dug into her scrambled eggs and buttered toast. She could hear them speaking hushed to one another in the foyer momentarily, until they both entered the kitchen. It'd been almost a year since Violet had seen her father, and now seeing him standing here, she realized how little she recognized him. He had short pepper grey hair and stubble, wearing jeans, boots and a button down shirt with the collar done up, he didn't even look like a father, which made her feel all the more awkward.
"Hey hunny," Stephen said, sitting down next to her as Natasha poured him and herself cups of coffee; he took it from her and sipped, then smiled at Violet, adding, "You look very good."
"Thanks," Violet said, focused on eating.
"How's school been?" he asked.
"I have a friend," Violet said.
"Well that's excellent," Stephen said, "Everyone should have at least one friend."
"Yeah, I wonder what that's like sometimes," Natasha said, making Stephen smirk.
Just then there was another knock at the door and Natasha excused herself once again to answer it, leaving Stephen and Violet together. Violet finished eating the eggs and moved onto finishing the toast as her father cleared his throat, took another long sip of coffee and lowered his voice.
"Sweetheart, I know this must be awkward, so we're gonna do whatever you want okay? This weekend is all about you, I just want to make you feel comfortable," he said, "So if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to do, I'm all ears."
Natasha and Jay came back into the kitchen, Jay holding his laptop bag in one hand and a lot of charts under another arm.
"Oh," Jay said, "You...you didn't say you had company."
"It's fine, it's just my ex," Nat said, "Sit down Jay, you want some coffee?"
"Uh, sure, yeah," Jay said, setting his stuff down at the table and sitting down across from Stephen and Violet, next to where Nat's seat was; he turned his attention back to Nat as she got him coffee and he said, "So I brought over some charts, metrics and stuff about how this is going to work, financially and otherwise. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Not anymore than anyone else," Violet said, surprising her folks with her articulate statement. With that, she got up, and excused herself to the bathroom before getting her bags. As they hard her rush up the stairs, Stephen pointed at the charts and looked at Jay as Nat sat back down, giving Jay his coffee mug.
"What's this all about?" Stephen asked.
"We're taking the show online," Nat said, "That way we have full creative control, are entitled to all the benefits and can say whatever we want without fear of being silenced."
"That's a great idea," Stephen said, "You can probably reach a broader audience anyway, given the proliferation of internet access in the household at this point. Everyone uses the internet, not everyone watches public access television."
"My thought process exactly," Nat said.
Violet came back down and said she was ready to go. Stephen stood up, said goodbye to Nat and took Violet's bags out to his car. Nat got up and walked around to her daughter, pulling her in close for a hug, which she happily gave her mom. Natasha stroked Violet's hair and whispered into her ear.
"If you feel uncomfortable at any moment, and it all becomes too overwhelming, just say the word and I will come get you, okay?" she said, and Violet nodded; Nat smiled, kissed her daughters forehead and added, "Love you kitten, take care and I'll see you soon."
"Love you, um, too, uh, mom," Violet said, following Stephen out to his car.
Natasha watched them pull away from the kitchen window, until she noticed Jay was turned in his seat, looking at her.
"You okay?" he asked.
"...I really don't know," she mumbled, "Alright, let's look over these charts."
***
As Violet sat in the passenger seat, she couldn't help but feel like a stranger to her father.
To be fair, she felt like a stranger to almost everyone, her mother included in many aspects, but this was different. This was her father. This was one of two people she shouldn't feel like a stranger to, and yet she did. She watched him fiddle with the air conditioning and start playing music at a low volume, so as not to overwhelm her, and she realized she didn't know a single thing about him. He and her mother had clearly loved one another so much they decided to have a baby, but she didn't know much beyond that he was her father, and maybe she should take the time and make the effort to get to know who he really was, and what really made him leave.
"D...dad?" she asked.
"Yeah pumpkin?" he asked.
"Um...wh...why did you, uh, leave us?" Violet asked, and Stephen sighed.
"Um, I....there were a lot of reasons, but I guess really what it comes down to is simply not feeling like I was important to your mother anymore," he said, "she had her show, and of course you and her were always closer than you and I have been, and I just felt...abandoned. When you build a life with someone only for them to then cut you out of it - intentionally or not - it messes with your self worth. But I never stopped loving her in some ways, and I certainly never stopped loving you to death."
"Then why didn't, um, you know, uh...why didn't you come back?" Violet asked.
"Adult relationships are complicated, there's a lot of factors," Stephen said.
"They aren't more complicated than any other kind," Violet said, "They...that's just, um, an excuse that, like, adults use, you know? To like...uh...not...not want to figure things out. My friend at school, she was born a boy, and our friendship is not complicated at all."
"Well, it's not romantic, so."
"I...I guess, sure," Violet said.
He had a point. Platonic and romantic were different, and perhaps that wasn't a very fair comparison. Violet pulled her sweaters long sleeves over her hands and flapped the ends of them, smiling at the stimulation. Stephen exhaled and turned the radio off as he came to a stop at a red light.
"Look, sweetheart," he said, "what happened to this family was my fault, okay? Even with what I just said, I made the decision to drastically alter things. Your mother isn't in the wrong, and you especially aren't. We both love you tremendously, you're the best thing in our lives, okay? Now do you have any idea what you wanna do for the day?"
Violet thought for a while, and then nodded.
"I wanna go to the zoo," she said.
***
Jay was typing away furiously on his laptop, sitting at Natasha's kitchen table as she paced around the kitchen, drinking her third cup of coffee, a box of open Biscotti's on the table that they'd both been picking at. Jay finally paused and looked up at Nat.
"Christ," he said, "You're making me anxious and I've only drank one cup."
"Was I wrong? To do this to her?" Natasha asked, "I mean, I just...I figured she'd need her father. My sister and I grew up with our father distant and aloof, and it kind of fucked us up. All we ever really wanted was for dad to, like, notice literally anything that we did, and it killed us that he didn't. I'm just trying to make sure she's covered emotionally, you know?"
"Nat," Jay said, standing up and walking to her, stopping her, his hands on her shoulders, "All you do is think about other people. When you're not doing your show, you're expanding that energy on your daughter. It's admirable as hell, but it's perfectly fine to be selfish once in a while. What do you say we knock off work and go somewhere?"
"Like where?" Nat asked, brushing her bangs from her eyes.
"I don't know, man, anywhere. Just...somewhere where you don't have to worry about how poorly you might be doing things for others. Let's go to an arcade or something," Jay said, "I'm itching to play some Pinball."
"Alright," Nat said after a moment, grinning, "Yeah, that'd be cool."
They grabbed their respective coats and headed out the door, climbing into Jay's car and heading off to the downtown, where the biggest (and one of the only remaining) arcade was. Upon entering, the flashing lights nearly blinding them and the sound of machines in every direction pounding at their eardrums, Jay and Natasha couldn't help but feel like kids again themselves. Jay led her over to the pinball section, and together, side by side, they picked tables and began playing.
"You need to relax once in a while," Jay said.
"It's so very hard when the world is constantly fucking you up the ass," Nat replied, making Jay cackle.
"I mean, sure, you're not wrong, but trust me, you won't be able to commit yourself to the work you need to get done if you're constantly questioning every single thing you think or say. You need to be able to focus."
"We were best friends, man," Nat said as she flayed on the flippers, scoring more points, "We were best friends until we had a kid, and then suddenly we were parents, and parents can't be best friends, they have to be parents."
"That isn't true at all, my folks are absolutely best friends. I think it just depends on how you approach it."
"I know I let my work get in the way, and I know Violet became my end all be all concern," Natasha said, pulling the spring back and releasing another ball, "but...I don't think that's exactly a bad thing, right? I mean, I was being a mom, you're supposed to be there for your child."
"Nat, you're a great mom," Jay said, "and I'm sure under the right circumstances a great wife too, and you know I'm on your side and not his. Lord knows I was there, I saw how much he hurt you. You don't owe him anything. Certainly not an explanation. Lord knows he didn't give you one."
Natasha stopped and looked at Jay, who also stopped and looked at her.
"Why are you helping me so much?" she asked.
"...because you...you hired me right out of college, and I had, like, no experience and I just want to give something back to the person who gave me everything," Jay said, pulling another few quarters from his pockets and splitting the stack between the two of them; he added, "Because when you give so much and nobody gives anything back, that isn't being a good person, that's being taken advantage of. You deserve better than that."
Jay turned, pushed another quarter into the slot and continued playing as Natasha stood and stared at him. This young guy she'd known for so long, who had been with her show since it started, was now her closest friend and business associate, and she smiled, because she realized then and there that she'd lost a husband, but gained a new best friend.
***
"Why did you want to come to the zoo?" Stephen asked as he and Violet strolled through the exhibits, finally stopping in the reptile section, where they watched a large python squirm around in its enclosure. Violet sipped her drink as Stephen bit into his sandwich they'd bought there, and she sighed.
"I guess because it's, um, like...what you...you know...are supposed to do with your parents?" Violet said, "I don't...I don't know what a family does together."
This statement broke Stephen's heart, and he started feeling like he and Natasha had somehow failed her as parents. She watched the python snatch a mouse that was dropped in its case, and watched it eat the mouse entirely, while Stephen ate his sandwich and watched his daughter.
"I'm sorry," he finally said, "I'm sorry we weren't-"
"Don't be sorry," Violet said, her voice cold and flat, "...you're no different than most parents."
When they went to Stephen's apartment that night, and after Violet had fallen asleep, Stephen called Natasha, but she didn't answer. He paced in his kitchen and prepared to leave a quiet somewhat irritated voicemail for her, but instead he hung up and sat down at his kitchen table, sighing and running his hands through his hair. How could he tell her this sort of thing? That their daughter felt like she didn't have a family? He'd done enough damage already, and decided he'd handle this himself.
He looked over at the couch and watched Violet sleep, her headphones playing white noise as she snored, and he smiled. He really did love his daughter, just like he'd loved Natasha. Violet was so much like her, that it scared him. He stood up, walked to the couch, sat down on the ottoman and stroked her hair gently. How could he have walked out, people had asked him, because they assumed that once you have a marriage or a family that your own wants immediately vanish, but in the end it had been pretty easy, aside from inadvertently hurting his daughter and wife.
He didn't regret doing it, but he did regret having to do it.
And he felt like perhaps that, if nothing else, at least cleansed him of some guilt.
"I think it's important that you have your father in your life, even if seeing him is painful for me," Nat said, "Because this is about you, not me. You deserve to have him around."
"But he...uh....he doesn't..."
"He doesn't what, kitten?"
"He doesn't like me," Violet whispered, and Natasha laughed.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked, "He loves you to death. It killed him having to leave you, believe me, that was the one silver lining for me, was the pain he got from not being able to be around you anymore. Your father adores you, sweetheart, so just try and work with him, okay? Don't be stubborn like me."
The doorbell rang, and Natasha stood up, heading to answer it as Violet dug into her scrambled eggs and buttered toast. She could hear them speaking hushed to one another in the foyer momentarily, until they both entered the kitchen. It'd been almost a year since Violet had seen her father, and now seeing him standing here, she realized how little she recognized him. He had short pepper grey hair and stubble, wearing jeans, boots and a button down shirt with the collar done up, he didn't even look like a father, which made her feel all the more awkward.
"Hey hunny," Stephen said, sitting down next to her as Natasha poured him and herself cups of coffee; he took it from her and sipped, then smiled at Violet, adding, "You look very good."
"Thanks," Violet said, focused on eating.
"How's school been?" he asked.
"I have a friend," Violet said.
"Well that's excellent," Stephen said, "Everyone should have at least one friend."
"Yeah, I wonder what that's like sometimes," Natasha said, making Stephen smirk.
Just then there was another knock at the door and Natasha excused herself once again to answer it, leaving Stephen and Violet together. Violet finished eating the eggs and moved onto finishing the toast as her father cleared his throat, took another long sip of coffee and lowered his voice.
"Sweetheart, I know this must be awkward, so we're gonna do whatever you want okay? This weekend is all about you, I just want to make you feel comfortable," he said, "So if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to do, I'm all ears."
Natasha and Jay came back into the kitchen, Jay holding his laptop bag in one hand and a lot of charts under another arm.
"Oh," Jay said, "You...you didn't say you had company."
"It's fine, it's just my ex," Nat said, "Sit down Jay, you want some coffee?"
"Uh, sure, yeah," Jay said, setting his stuff down at the table and sitting down across from Stephen and Violet, next to where Nat's seat was; he turned his attention back to Nat as she got him coffee and he said, "So I brought over some charts, metrics and stuff about how this is going to work, financially and otherwise. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Not anymore than anyone else," Violet said, surprising her folks with her articulate statement. With that, she got up, and excused herself to the bathroom before getting her bags. As they hard her rush up the stairs, Stephen pointed at the charts and looked at Jay as Nat sat back down, giving Jay his coffee mug.
"What's this all about?" Stephen asked.
"We're taking the show online," Nat said, "That way we have full creative control, are entitled to all the benefits and can say whatever we want without fear of being silenced."
"That's a great idea," Stephen said, "You can probably reach a broader audience anyway, given the proliferation of internet access in the household at this point. Everyone uses the internet, not everyone watches public access television."
"My thought process exactly," Nat said.
Violet came back down and said she was ready to go. Stephen stood up, said goodbye to Nat and took Violet's bags out to his car. Nat got up and walked around to her daughter, pulling her in close for a hug, which she happily gave her mom. Natasha stroked Violet's hair and whispered into her ear.
"If you feel uncomfortable at any moment, and it all becomes too overwhelming, just say the word and I will come get you, okay?" she said, and Violet nodded; Nat smiled, kissed her daughters forehead and added, "Love you kitten, take care and I'll see you soon."
"Love you, um, too, uh, mom," Violet said, following Stephen out to his car.
Natasha watched them pull away from the kitchen window, until she noticed Jay was turned in his seat, looking at her.
"You okay?" he asked.
"...I really don't know," she mumbled, "Alright, let's look over these charts."
***
As Violet sat in the passenger seat, she couldn't help but feel like a stranger to her father.
To be fair, she felt like a stranger to almost everyone, her mother included in many aspects, but this was different. This was her father. This was one of two people she shouldn't feel like a stranger to, and yet she did. She watched him fiddle with the air conditioning and start playing music at a low volume, so as not to overwhelm her, and she realized she didn't know a single thing about him. He and her mother had clearly loved one another so much they decided to have a baby, but she didn't know much beyond that he was her father, and maybe she should take the time and make the effort to get to know who he really was, and what really made him leave.
"D...dad?" she asked.
"Yeah pumpkin?" he asked.
"Um...wh...why did you, uh, leave us?" Violet asked, and Stephen sighed.
"Um, I....there were a lot of reasons, but I guess really what it comes down to is simply not feeling like I was important to your mother anymore," he said, "she had her show, and of course you and her were always closer than you and I have been, and I just felt...abandoned. When you build a life with someone only for them to then cut you out of it - intentionally or not - it messes with your self worth. But I never stopped loving her in some ways, and I certainly never stopped loving you to death."
"Then why didn't, um, you know, uh...why didn't you come back?" Violet asked.
"Adult relationships are complicated, there's a lot of factors," Stephen said.
"They aren't more complicated than any other kind," Violet said, "They...that's just, um, an excuse that, like, adults use, you know? To like...uh...not...not want to figure things out. My friend at school, she was born a boy, and our friendship is not complicated at all."
"Well, it's not romantic, so."
"I...I guess, sure," Violet said.
He had a point. Platonic and romantic were different, and perhaps that wasn't a very fair comparison. Violet pulled her sweaters long sleeves over her hands and flapped the ends of them, smiling at the stimulation. Stephen exhaled and turned the radio off as he came to a stop at a red light.
"Look, sweetheart," he said, "what happened to this family was my fault, okay? Even with what I just said, I made the decision to drastically alter things. Your mother isn't in the wrong, and you especially aren't. We both love you tremendously, you're the best thing in our lives, okay? Now do you have any idea what you wanna do for the day?"
Violet thought for a while, and then nodded.
"I wanna go to the zoo," she said.
***
Jay was typing away furiously on his laptop, sitting at Natasha's kitchen table as she paced around the kitchen, drinking her third cup of coffee, a box of open Biscotti's on the table that they'd both been picking at. Jay finally paused and looked up at Nat.
"Christ," he said, "You're making me anxious and I've only drank one cup."
"Was I wrong? To do this to her?" Natasha asked, "I mean, I just...I figured she'd need her father. My sister and I grew up with our father distant and aloof, and it kind of fucked us up. All we ever really wanted was for dad to, like, notice literally anything that we did, and it killed us that he didn't. I'm just trying to make sure she's covered emotionally, you know?"
"Nat," Jay said, standing up and walking to her, stopping her, his hands on her shoulders, "All you do is think about other people. When you're not doing your show, you're expanding that energy on your daughter. It's admirable as hell, but it's perfectly fine to be selfish once in a while. What do you say we knock off work and go somewhere?"
"Like where?" Nat asked, brushing her bangs from her eyes.
"I don't know, man, anywhere. Just...somewhere where you don't have to worry about how poorly you might be doing things for others. Let's go to an arcade or something," Jay said, "I'm itching to play some Pinball."
"Alright," Nat said after a moment, grinning, "Yeah, that'd be cool."
They grabbed their respective coats and headed out the door, climbing into Jay's car and heading off to the downtown, where the biggest (and one of the only remaining) arcade was. Upon entering, the flashing lights nearly blinding them and the sound of machines in every direction pounding at their eardrums, Jay and Natasha couldn't help but feel like kids again themselves. Jay led her over to the pinball section, and together, side by side, they picked tables and began playing.
"You need to relax once in a while," Jay said.
"It's so very hard when the world is constantly fucking you up the ass," Nat replied, making Jay cackle.
"I mean, sure, you're not wrong, but trust me, you won't be able to commit yourself to the work you need to get done if you're constantly questioning every single thing you think or say. You need to be able to focus."
"We were best friends, man," Nat said as she flayed on the flippers, scoring more points, "We were best friends until we had a kid, and then suddenly we were parents, and parents can't be best friends, they have to be parents."
"That isn't true at all, my folks are absolutely best friends. I think it just depends on how you approach it."
"I know I let my work get in the way, and I know Violet became my end all be all concern," Natasha said, pulling the spring back and releasing another ball, "but...I don't think that's exactly a bad thing, right? I mean, I was being a mom, you're supposed to be there for your child."
"Nat, you're a great mom," Jay said, "and I'm sure under the right circumstances a great wife too, and you know I'm on your side and not his. Lord knows I was there, I saw how much he hurt you. You don't owe him anything. Certainly not an explanation. Lord knows he didn't give you one."
Natasha stopped and looked at Jay, who also stopped and looked at her.
"Why are you helping me so much?" she asked.
"...because you...you hired me right out of college, and I had, like, no experience and I just want to give something back to the person who gave me everything," Jay said, pulling another few quarters from his pockets and splitting the stack between the two of them; he added, "Because when you give so much and nobody gives anything back, that isn't being a good person, that's being taken advantage of. You deserve better than that."
Jay turned, pushed another quarter into the slot and continued playing as Natasha stood and stared at him. This young guy she'd known for so long, who had been with her show since it started, was now her closest friend and business associate, and she smiled, because she realized then and there that she'd lost a husband, but gained a new best friend.
***
"Why did you want to come to the zoo?" Stephen asked as he and Violet strolled through the exhibits, finally stopping in the reptile section, where they watched a large python squirm around in its enclosure. Violet sipped her drink as Stephen bit into his sandwich they'd bought there, and she sighed.
"I guess because it's, um, like...what you...you know...are supposed to do with your parents?" Violet said, "I don't...I don't know what a family does together."
This statement broke Stephen's heart, and he started feeling like he and Natasha had somehow failed her as parents. She watched the python snatch a mouse that was dropped in its case, and watched it eat the mouse entirely, while Stephen ate his sandwich and watched his daughter.
"I'm sorry," he finally said, "I'm sorry we weren't-"
"Don't be sorry," Violet said, her voice cold and flat, "...you're no different than most parents."
When they went to Stephen's apartment that night, and after Violet had fallen asleep, Stephen called Natasha, but she didn't answer. He paced in his kitchen and prepared to leave a quiet somewhat irritated voicemail for her, but instead he hung up and sat down at his kitchen table, sighing and running his hands through his hair. How could he tell her this sort of thing? That their daughter felt like she didn't have a family? He'd done enough damage already, and decided he'd handle this himself.
He looked over at the couch and watched Violet sleep, her headphones playing white noise as she snored, and he smiled. He really did love his daughter, just like he'd loved Natasha. Violet was so much like her, that it scared him. He stood up, walked to the couch, sat down on the ottoman and stroked her hair gently. How could he have walked out, people had asked him, because they assumed that once you have a marriage or a family that your own wants immediately vanish, but in the end it had been pretty easy, aside from inadvertently hurting his daughter and wife.
He didn't regret doing it, but he did regret having to do it.
And he felt like perhaps that, if nothing else, at least cleansed him of some guilt.