Ella was asleep, dreaming of something safe and familiar, something she'd been dreaming about a lot lately, when she felt herself start to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open slowly, and into her blurry vision came the view of a blonde girl staring right at her from the side of her bed. This shook Ella awake completely, startled and confused. It turns out it was just Gilly, who appeared giddy as an only child on Christmas morning.
"You're awake!" she said happily, "We're going for a hike today!"
"What time is it?" Ella asked, wiping her eyes, as Gilly checked her watch.
"It's about eight in the morning, we aren't going for the hike until noon, but I wanted to get breakfast," Gilly said, and Ella, now sitting up and running her hands through her hair, looked a bit annoyed.
"You couldn't just get breakfast?" she asked.
"I...I didn't wanna go alone," Gilly said, and Ella could understand that. Gilly waited as Ella got up, woke up and got dressed in their camp uniforms, then headed out the cabin door and towards the main hall for breakfast. Gilly was almost skipping, so seemingly excited.
"How can you be this awake this early?" Ella asked.
"I like being up before everyone else," Gilly said, "It makes the world seem safe when you're the only one in it. Nobody can bother you or hurt you, everything is quiet and perfect."
It was hard to argue with her worldview, that was for sure.
***
The girls got some fresh fruit, pancakes and Gilly made Ella have some coffee with her, exclaiming that "this was camp, and camp is where you try new things!". So she did, and surprisingly, she didn't hate it. As the girls sat at their table, eating their breakfast, Ella wasn't shocked to not see too many other people in the main hall this early. Just then, she felt someone sit on the other side of her, and glanced over to see Amie sitting there, holding a small plastic tupperware with her name lovingly written on it in cursive.
"You have breakfast too?" Ella asked.
"That's my mom for you," Amie said, "Sparrow Cabin is boring. What's Rabbit Cabin like?"
"It's okay I guess," Ella said, "I don't know why there's different cabins. Isn't camp supposed to promote the idea of teamwork and togetherness? How can you claim you're doing that when you're putting people in separate cabins and forcing them to compete against one another? You don't teach teamwork by forcing teams to work against other teams...that's not teamwork, that's just competition."
"I disagree, it teaches you to work with your own team, because you know not everybody in the world is going to like you or work with you, so you work with the people you do have," Gilly said, "At least that's how I've felt since coming here. But..."
"...what?" Amie asked.
"Well, I'm not one to know, really, since nobody ever wants me on their team," Gilly said, pushing her hair back behind her ear, and continuing to cut up her pancakes.
"Good morning ladies," Charlie said, "Getting your energy up for the hike?"
"There's a hike?" Amie asked.
"Yep, Rabbit Cabin & Sparrow Cabin are going for a hike together today. It may be a few hours long, so get as much food in you as you can, because you'll need the spare energy to burn. Once we reach our destination we will camp and make a campfire and stuff that people usually do at camp, but we need to get there first. Meet back at Rabbit Cabin after you're done eating. I don't want the troops mixed before we head out."
Charlie turned and headed to the breakfast line to get her own vitals, as Amie looked back at Gilly.
"A hike..." Amie repeated, sound rather unenthusiastic.
***
"So what's your family like?" Gilly asked as they marched up a hill, aside their cabin members, the troops now mixed together for the hike.
"My dad is pretty cool I guess. He makes stuff for people, like, commercials and-"
"He's an ad man," Amie said, and Ella nodded.
"Yeah, that's it, an ad man. He works in advertisement. My mom is cool too, she illustrates childrens books," Ella continued, "But she hasn't been working a lot lately, she's been kind of sick. That's why they sent me to camp, was so they could have some time alone, maybe get her to feel better."
"I'm sorry," Gilly said, then turning to Amie, "What about your family?"
"I have no family," Amie replied, "I was raised in the wild by a pack of wolves."
"That's unrealistic, you'd be feral if that were true," Gilly said, "And you seem somewhat civilized, so I know it's a joke."
Amie actually cracked a bit of a smile and, while toying with her hair, said, "Well, my stepdad wants me to be more social, and my mom really needs him to support us. She lost everything in the divorce, and she doesn't make enough to support us, so...my stepdad doesn't like that she has a kid, but oh well. He's gonna have to put up with me."
"You don't know that he doesn't like you," Ella said, "Every kid thinks that their-"
"No, he told me," Amie interrupted, causing Gilly and Ella to give eachother a nervous look, both rather surprised by this truth. The girls didn't talk much the rest of the hike. Meanwhile, Charlie and the Sparrow Cabin leader, a young, thin man with short black hair, named Ryan, were walking well ahead of the girls.
"I really didn't want to have to do this again," Charlie said, hands in her pockets, kicking rocks as she walked watching the ground, "I really thought that by this summer, I'd have everything figured out and that I'd be somewhere nice and have my work finished and I'd have my life started, but nope, here I am, once again, at Camp Kill Yourself."
"I know it's not ideal, but hey, I mean, at least it's a job. You are getting paid," Ryan said, "That's more than most people who can't get on their feet end up with. They can't even find unpaid internships. You at least have employment, and for the summer, you have a roof over your head and some food to eat."
"Don't give me the whole 'it can always get worse' routine, dude, because I know it can always get worse. The problem isn't that it could get worse, it's that it never gets better or gets worse. Stagnation is far more frustrating than failure, in my humble opinion. At least with failure, you know you failed, you can move on and try again. But with stagnation, with not knowing...that's annoying. You're scared to make any move, lest the move you make be the wrong one that makes everything a thousand times worse," Charlie said, and Ryan nodded, handing her a water bottle.
"You do have a point," Ryan admitted, "Well then how about we abandon the whole 'it can get worse' idea and instead embrace a new idealogy, the 'it can get better' belief system? Instead of thinking about how much worse things could get, how much further down the rung of societies ladder you could fall, instead think about how much better it will get once you're done here. How far up that ladder you'll climb instead? I think that's fair."
"You're a real optimist, and frankly it's disgusting," Charlie said, smirking, making Ryan blush.
They eventually reached their destination, a spot at the camp called "Roys Peak". It was a small clearing on the top of a mountain hike. Ryan and Charlie started setting up tents and making a campfire, as the girls got used to their overnight campsite. Gilly sat by herself on a log, braiding her hair a bit while Amie and Ella took in the scenery. Amie was looking at an anthill while Ella knelt beside her, just watching her interact with the ants.
"You didn't mean that did you? About your step dad hating you?" Ella asked.
"I did. He loves my mom, and I like him for that because my mom is great and she deserves it, but he...he might not hate me, but he wishes they could have their own child, and that she hadn't had a child already," Amie said.
"...do you think they'll have a child?" Ella asked, and Amie just shrugged. Meanwhile, Charlie and Ryan were working on getting the campfire made. Charlie had set up most of the tents and, being somewhat wary of fire, had decided to let Ryan handle that part. The both of them kneeling around the campfire while Ryan tried to get it getting, Charlie couldn't help but snicker at his short comings.
"Did you ever camp as a kid?" she asked.
"Yes, I did. It's just that my parents didn't exactly ask their children under 10 years of age to start fires, so forgive me if I'm a little slow on the uptake," Ryan said, just as the fire caught to the leaves and he cheered for himself. Charlie patted his back as she stood back up.
"Good job, we're all proud of you. Alright, girls, gather 'round, okay?" she called out, getting all the girls to come sit on the logs surrounding the campfire, "Now, this is camp, which obviously means traditions like smores and ghost stories and all that usual camp fare, but we also are here to teach you self worth and confidence, which is why every summer, on the first hike, we each go around and mention something we like about ourselves."
Charlie sat on a log and pointed across the campfire at a girl with short black hair and a freckled face.
"Melissa, why don't you start?" she asked.
"I guess I like how good I am at school. Everyone in my class is always asking for my help with homework and stuff, because I keep my notes so organized," Melissa said, "Makes me feel important." As she finished she looked at the girl sitting next to her, who had long dark brown hair and a toothy smile.
"I like that I taught myself an instrument last year. I saw this kid on youtube who could play bass, and I decided I wanted to do that too, so I asked my parents to get me one and they did for my birthday, so I taught myself, and I'm hoping to join a band next year!" As she finished, she looked at Ella, who stumbled for her words, but quickly caught herself.
"Uh, I...I like...how good I am at meeting people. I don't really like meeting people, but the fact that it comes easily for me...I don't know, it makes things easier, I guess? It makes things not so awkward. I still don't like meeting people, but at least it's easy for me," Ella said, and then looked at Gilly, who was sitting between her and Amie. Gilly didn't really talk at first, and then after a moment, she sighed.
"I don't really like anything about myself," she said quietly, "I wish I could, but I can't, because my parents don't like anything about me, if and my parents can't like anything about me, then why should I."
Nobody really said anything for a moment, and then the confessions went on. As Gilly looked at her shoes, kicking her feet gently against the log, she felt Ella's hand gripping hers, hiding them under her thigh so nobody would see. Gilly sort of glanced at her, half smiling, half blushing.
***
Laying in the tent that night, Ella couldn't sleep. Gilly had gotten up to pee, but hadn't come back in yet, leaving the tent flap half opened. Ella finally got out of her sleeping bag and unzipped the flap the rest of the way, climbed out of the tent and zipped the flap back up. She turned and immediately caught sight of Gilly sitting on the log in front of the campfire, still going strongly. She had a stick and was poking it from time to time. Ella came up behind, stepped over the log and took her seat beside Gilly.
"Hey, are you ok?" Ella asked.
"Yeah," Gilly said, pulling her blanket up around her shoulders, "I just don't like that game. Charlie makes us do it every year, and I never have anything good to say about myself."
"It's ok," Ella said, "...it's ok if your parents don't like you. I like you."
"Thanks, I like you too," Gilly replied, smiling.
Ella laid her head on Gilly's shoulder, and they sat like that well into the night, just watching the flames licking the sweet camp air.
"You're awake!" she said happily, "We're going for a hike today!"
"What time is it?" Ella asked, wiping her eyes, as Gilly checked her watch.
"It's about eight in the morning, we aren't going for the hike until noon, but I wanted to get breakfast," Gilly said, and Ella, now sitting up and running her hands through her hair, looked a bit annoyed.
"You couldn't just get breakfast?" she asked.
"I...I didn't wanna go alone," Gilly said, and Ella could understand that. Gilly waited as Ella got up, woke up and got dressed in their camp uniforms, then headed out the cabin door and towards the main hall for breakfast. Gilly was almost skipping, so seemingly excited.
"How can you be this awake this early?" Ella asked.
"I like being up before everyone else," Gilly said, "It makes the world seem safe when you're the only one in it. Nobody can bother you or hurt you, everything is quiet and perfect."
It was hard to argue with her worldview, that was for sure.
***
The girls got some fresh fruit, pancakes and Gilly made Ella have some coffee with her, exclaiming that "this was camp, and camp is where you try new things!". So she did, and surprisingly, she didn't hate it. As the girls sat at their table, eating their breakfast, Ella wasn't shocked to not see too many other people in the main hall this early. Just then, she felt someone sit on the other side of her, and glanced over to see Amie sitting there, holding a small plastic tupperware with her name lovingly written on it in cursive.
"You have breakfast too?" Ella asked.
"That's my mom for you," Amie said, "Sparrow Cabin is boring. What's Rabbit Cabin like?"
"It's okay I guess," Ella said, "I don't know why there's different cabins. Isn't camp supposed to promote the idea of teamwork and togetherness? How can you claim you're doing that when you're putting people in separate cabins and forcing them to compete against one another? You don't teach teamwork by forcing teams to work against other teams...that's not teamwork, that's just competition."
"I disagree, it teaches you to work with your own team, because you know not everybody in the world is going to like you or work with you, so you work with the people you do have," Gilly said, "At least that's how I've felt since coming here. But..."
"...what?" Amie asked.
"Well, I'm not one to know, really, since nobody ever wants me on their team," Gilly said, pushing her hair back behind her ear, and continuing to cut up her pancakes.
"Good morning ladies," Charlie said, "Getting your energy up for the hike?"
"There's a hike?" Amie asked.
"Yep, Rabbit Cabin & Sparrow Cabin are going for a hike together today. It may be a few hours long, so get as much food in you as you can, because you'll need the spare energy to burn. Once we reach our destination we will camp and make a campfire and stuff that people usually do at camp, but we need to get there first. Meet back at Rabbit Cabin after you're done eating. I don't want the troops mixed before we head out."
Charlie turned and headed to the breakfast line to get her own vitals, as Amie looked back at Gilly.
"A hike..." Amie repeated, sound rather unenthusiastic.
***
"So what's your family like?" Gilly asked as they marched up a hill, aside their cabin members, the troops now mixed together for the hike.
"My dad is pretty cool I guess. He makes stuff for people, like, commercials and-"
"He's an ad man," Amie said, and Ella nodded.
"Yeah, that's it, an ad man. He works in advertisement. My mom is cool too, she illustrates childrens books," Ella continued, "But she hasn't been working a lot lately, she's been kind of sick. That's why they sent me to camp, was so they could have some time alone, maybe get her to feel better."
"I'm sorry," Gilly said, then turning to Amie, "What about your family?"
"I have no family," Amie replied, "I was raised in the wild by a pack of wolves."
"That's unrealistic, you'd be feral if that were true," Gilly said, "And you seem somewhat civilized, so I know it's a joke."
Amie actually cracked a bit of a smile and, while toying with her hair, said, "Well, my stepdad wants me to be more social, and my mom really needs him to support us. She lost everything in the divorce, and she doesn't make enough to support us, so...my stepdad doesn't like that she has a kid, but oh well. He's gonna have to put up with me."
"You don't know that he doesn't like you," Ella said, "Every kid thinks that their-"
"No, he told me," Amie interrupted, causing Gilly and Ella to give eachother a nervous look, both rather surprised by this truth. The girls didn't talk much the rest of the hike. Meanwhile, Charlie and the Sparrow Cabin leader, a young, thin man with short black hair, named Ryan, were walking well ahead of the girls.
"I really didn't want to have to do this again," Charlie said, hands in her pockets, kicking rocks as she walked watching the ground, "I really thought that by this summer, I'd have everything figured out and that I'd be somewhere nice and have my work finished and I'd have my life started, but nope, here I am, once again, at Camp Kill Yourself."
"I know it's not ideal, but hey, I mean, at least it's a job. You are getting paid," Ryan said, "That's more than most people who can't get on their feet end up with. They can't even find unpaid internships. You at least have employment, and for the summer, you have a roof over your head and some food to eat."
"Don't give me the whole 'it can always get worse' routine, dude, because I know it can always get worse. The problem isn't that it could get worse, it's that it never gets better or gets worse. Stagnation is far more frustrating than failure, in my humble opinion. At least with failure, you know you failed, you can move on and try again. But with stagnation, with not knowing...that's annoying. You're scared to make any move, lest the move you make be the wrong one that makes everything a thousand times worse," Charlie said, and Ryan nodded, handing her a water bottle.
"You do have a point," Ryan admitted, "Well then how about we abandon the whole 'it can get worse' idea and instead embrace a new idealogy, the 'it can get better' belief system? Instead of thinking about how much worse things could get, how much further down the rung of societies ladder you could fall, instead think about how much better it will get once you're done here. How far up that ladder you'll climb instead? I think that's fair."
"You're a real optimist, and frankly it's disgusting," Charlie said, smirking, making Ryan blush.
They eventually reached their destination, a spot at the camp called "Roys Peak". It was a small clearing on the top of a mountain hike. Ryan and Charlie started setting up tents and making a campfire, as the girls got used to their overnight campsite. Gilly sat by herself on a log, braiding her hair a bit while Amie and Ella took in the scenery. Amie was looking at an anthill while Ella knelt beside her, just watching her interact with the ants.
"You didn't mean that did you? About your step dad hating you?" Ella asked.
"I did. He loves my mom, and I like him for that because my mom is great and she deserves it, but he...he might not hate me, but he wishes they could have their own child, and that she hadn't had a child already," Amie said.
"...do you think they'll have a child?" Ella asked, and Amie just shrugged. Meanwhile, Charlie and Ryan were working on getting the campfire made. Charlie had set up most of the tents and, being somewhat wary of fire, had decided to let Ryan handle that part. The both of them kneeling around the campfire while Ryan tried to get it getting, Charlie couldn't help but snicker at his short comings.
"Did you ever camp as a kid?" she asked.
"Yes, I did. It's just that my parents didn't exactly ask their children under 10 years of age to start fires, so forgive me if I'm a little slow on the uptake," Ryan said, just as the fire caught to the leaves and he cheered for himself. Charlie patted his back as she stood back up.
"Good job, we're all proud of you. Alright, girls, gather 'round, okay?" she called out, getting all the girls to come sit on the logs surrounding the campfire, "Now, this is camp, which obviously means traditions like smores and ghost stories and all that usual camp fare, but we also are here to teach you self worth and confidence, which is why every summer, on the first hike, we each go around and mention something we like about ourselves."
Charlie sat on a log and pointed across the campfire at a girl with short black hair and a freckled face.
"Melissa, why don't you start?" she asked.
"I guess I like how good I am at school. Everyone in my class is always asking for my help with homework and stuff, because I keep my notes so organized," Melissa said, "Makes me feel important." As she finished she looked at the girl sitting next to her, who had long dark brown hair and a toothy smile.
"I like that I taught myself an instrument last year. I saw this kid on youtube who could play bass, and I decided I wanted to do that too, so I asked my parents to get me one and they did for my birthday, so I taught myself, and I'm hoping to join a band next year!" As she finished, she looked at Ella, who stumbled for her words, but quickly caught herself.
"Uh, I...I like...how good I am at meeting people. I don't really like meeting people, but the fact that it comes easily for me...I don't know, it makes things easier, I guess? It makes things not so awkward. I still don't like meeting people, but at least it's easy for me," Ella said, and then looked at Gilly, who was sitting between her and Amie. Gilly didn't really talk at first, and then after a moment, she sighed.
"I don't really like anything about myself," she said quietly, "I wish I could, but I can't, because my parents don't like anything about me, if and my parents can't like anything about me, then why should I."
Nobody really said anything for a moment, and then the confessions went on. As Gilly looked at her shoes, kicking her feet gently against the log, she felt Ella's hand gripping hers, hiding them under her thigh so nobody would see. Gilly sort of glanced at her, half smiling, half blushing.
***
Laying in the tent that night, Ella couldn't sleep. Gilly had gotten up to pee, but hadn't come back in yet, leaving the tent flap half opened. Ella finally got out of her sleeping bag and unzipped the flap the rest of the way, climbed out of the tent and zipped the flap back up. She turned and immediately caught sight of Gilly sitting on the log in front of the campfire, still going strongly. She had a stick and was poking it from time to time. Ella came up behind, stepped over the log and took her seat beside Gilly.
"Hey, are you ok?" Ella asked.
"Yeah," Gilly said, pulling her blanket up around her shoulders, "I just don't like that game. Charlie makes us do it every year, and I never have anything good to say about myself."
"It's ok," Ella said, "...it's ok if your parents don't like you. I like you."
"Thanks, I like you too," Gilly replied, smiling.
Ella laid her head on Gilly's shoulder, and they sat like that well into the night, just watching the flames licking the sweet camp air.