"Maybe this was a mistake," Nat said, sitting on the trunk of her car, Stephen sitting next to her.
"The show today or?"
"Everything. Us. My career. All of it," she replied, "maybe it was all a mistake. Having Violet wasn't a mistake, she's the best thing I've ever done, but the rest of it...maybe I'm the mistake, I don't know. I just know that, each time I try to make something better, I somehow make it worse. I'm so tired of being a screwup for the whole world to see. I want my mistakes to be private, not public, but this is the life I've chosen and I don't know how to get out of it."
"...are you saying what I think you're saying?" Stephen asked, and Nat shrugged.
"I just don't know that I can do this anymore," she whispered, near tears, wiping her nose on her sweatshirt sleeve, "or that I want to."
A huge admission coming from the woman who had once said she wanted to save everyone, but Stephen was proud of her. She'd admitted that she was no longer happy in what she was attempting, and that proved so much strength to him. He just wish she could see it too. It broke his heart that she couldn't fathom how strong she actually was, that she constantly saw herself as weak or less, despite all the good she did. She laid back on the trunk, and he joined her, and they looked up at the sky.
"What would you do otherwise?" Stephen asked.
Nat didn't answer for a few minutes. The sound of other cars driving by overtook their silence as the early evening streetlights began to flicker awake.
"...be happy," Nat finally said, and Stephen nodded.
"Not a bad choice," he said.
***
The whole thing could be traced back to Sharla, really, it had all been her fault, because it had all been her idea. And she'd said it all so casually, almost in passing. "Take your family on the show!" she'd exclaimed, explaining that, contextually, this might help not only the audience understand her better, but also those who are going through the same thing might understand themselves and their situation more too. The problem was...the last time Nat had put Violet in the limelight, it had caused undue duress to her, and now she was scared of any public recognition, understandably. Stephen, on the other hand, was far more receptive to the concept. But then again, why wouldn't he be? He was going through extreme upset, and anything he could do to avoid focusing on his feelings regarding the situation would be ideal. Going on the show might provide him a window into nostalgia, a way to feel like he was back in time, and they were all still technically a family.
"I don't know," Nat said as she drank her coffee, Sharla sitting at her kitchen table eating a package of trail mix; Nat shook her head and continued, "what if it goes sideways? I'm kind of sick of putting the people I love on constant public blast. It isn't fair to them."
"But you can show that if people just sit down and talk to one another, then maybe there's a good chance things can actually be resolved in a healthy manner, rather than simply ignoring the problems like most families tend to do. I know that, growing up, my parents opted to just...not talk about stuff. That eventually grew into resentment, which eventually led to divorce."
"I know, and you're not wrong, but I just...I almost lost my daughter before because of this kind of stuff, and I don't want to run that risk again," Nat said.
"Then don't take her. Take Stephen," Sharla said, "make it a show about amicably managing a relationship with an ex spouse. Lots of people could use that too, and I'm sure he would appreciate it."
"Yeah but then I'm just doing unpaid labor for a man who's no longer in my life, a man who left me for my own sister, by the way," Nat said, "Given how the audience thinks of him based on my former phrasings, they probably aren't the biggest fans of the guy."
"Well, give them a chance to be," Sharla said, smiling, popping some pretzels in her mouth as someone knocked on Nat's side door to the kitchen. Nat walked over and opened it, finding Misty standing there. Misty stepped past her and into the kitchen, waving politely at Sharla, before turning to face Nat.
"I think I'm about done," Misty said.
"Oh god, what's happened?" Nat asked, sounding concerned, "are you okay? Should we take you to see someone?"
A moment passed as Misty looked between Sharla and Nat, confused.
"I think I'm about done with your book," Misty said, and Nat laughed; Misty shook her head and continued, "editing is almost finished, I compiled everything, and it looks like it should be on the shelves any day now, really."
"That was fast," Sharla said.
"Well, these kinds of works don't really take much time," Misty said, glancing from her back to Nat before adding, "no offense but they aren't exactly the most sought after literary items. They're generally just an easy way for a publisher to make a quick buck, more than anything else. That being said, I take pride, care and consideration into what I do, and so I think I did a good job, and I hope you'll agree when you see it."
"I don't have to buy my own copy, do I?" Nat asked, and Misty shook her head.
Truth be told, Misty was actually scared of Nat's reception to the book. She had taken all these notes, spent all this time with her, and then, instead of utilizing any of that, she opted to throw it all out in favor of something she felt far more accurate to who Nat was as a person. Whether or not Nat would appreciate or understand it remained to be seen, but for the next week and a half, Misty would feel nervous as hell.
Which, at least, was something she was used to.
***
"I don't think I made you out to be the bad guy intentionally," Nat said, "I don't think I went into doing the show after you left thinking 'I need to make sure everyone knows what a douchebag this guy is', because I was mad, and when you're mad you don't think clearly. You don't make logical decisions. So perhaps I tainted your reputation unintentionally, but hopefully today fixed some of that."
"It isn't your job to fix others perception of me, even if you were the one who altered it. Clearly I got what I deserved, because look at how I acted. I was supposed to be an adult, and instead of talking about anything, I just had an emotional affair that turned physical. That...that isn't mature, Nat, you weren't totally wrong in feeling the way you did. But it's admirable of you to wanna undo that damage."
Nat put her arms behind her head and kept watching the clouds, smiling to herself.
"This is how we used to spend our time, remember?" she asked, "when we first started dating, we would go out for these long drives and we would just talk and watch the skies. You claimed we were hunting for UFOs, which, honestly, would've been way cool if it'd come true. How do you go from such simplicity to such complexity in just a handful of years?"
"By not talking," Stephen said, "weren't you listening to what I just said?"
"I'm sorry are you speaking?" Nat asked, grinning, the both of them laughing.
"Seriously though, if you aren't open about your problems, especially with the person you have those problems with, then how the hell do you expect to ever fix anything? Here I was, taking my issues to your sister, and okay, it was your sister, not some random woman, so maybe societally turning to a family member of sorts was more acceptable, but still. It's awful. What I did was awful."
"I brought you on today because of Sharla, god I hate her sometimes," Nat said, "Sharla made this whole impassioned speech about, like, being able to show others that you can move past your issues with an ex-spouse and have a healthy relationship and not blame yourself blah blah blah, but I don't think she really knew what she was talking about. I mean, sure, her sentiment is good, and her heart's in the right place, but, ya know...she wasn't the one who went through it. I think to make that kind of leap in faith you need to have experienced it first hand."
A car pulled into the lot and parked. A woman and her two kids got out and walked on by, Stephen and Nat watching for a bit until they were out of sight. Seeing this womans two daughters, Nat's thoughts turned back to Violet. Her coming out recently, her feelings of inadequacy in the face of public recognition. Nat grimaced and felt her eyes water.
"I ruined our daughters life," she whispered, "I ruined her adolescence."
"Hey, no, come on," Stephen said, leaning on his elbows and looking over at her, "you didn't...Nat, don't say that."
"But I did," she continued, "and unlike you there's no damage control to be done, there's no getting back what we had."
***
Corrine woke up and was surprised to find the bed empty. She had rolled onto her side, her fingers reaching out for Ashley's skin, but instead finding cold sheets. Corrine sat up and pushed her tussled hair from her face, then got out of bed and tugged on a tank top she'd slung over a nearby chair and some jogging shorts. She exited and walked down the hall, hearing the TV on in one direction. When she arrived in the living room, however, Ashley wasn't there. Then Corrine heard the sound of something being shuffled about in the garage, so she headed in that direction. She pulled open the door to find Ashley standing in the garage, looking through dozens of open cardboard boxes, frantically breathing.
"...are...are you okay?" Corrine asked as she entered, causing Ashley to look up.
"I'm sorry," Ashley said, wiping at her face, "I didn't wake you up did I?"
"No, I woke up and you weren't there, and that made me nervous enough to get up and check what was going on, but...what is going on?"
Ashley stopped, sitting crouched on her knees on the hard garage floor, shaking her head and picking at her hair.
"I'm the bad guy," she said, "this whole time, I'm the villain. I was sick. I needed comfort. But I did something so wrong. I'm the bad guy. She...she took Stephen on her show this morning, and they talked about their relationship, their split, me, everything. None of it was negative, it was all very 'be what it may' but...but it made me realize, hearing it all laid out like that in post chronological order that, yeah, I'm the bad guy of this story."
Corrine walked further in and pulled a little stepladder across the floor, stopping in front of Ashley and reaching out, taking her face in her hands, causing her to look up at her.
"...you're not the bad guy, there is no bad guy. You're only the villain if you set out with bad intentions. A villain has to WANT to do something to hurt others, right? You didn't do that. All of you were in pain and nobody knew how to handle it."
"And then," Ashley continued, still crying, breathing hard, "and then, as if what I did once wasn't bad enough, I did it AGAIN. I turned to you from him."
Corrine's eyes widened, and her stomach dropped.
"Do you...do you regret that?" she whispered, sounding hurt.
"Oh, no no no, god, no, I'm sorry, that sounded so wrong. I regret hurting my sister, taking her husband from her, but I...I could never regret what you and I have done. What we have. The difference between the two situations couldn't be more clear, Corrine, I mean...when Stephen and I got together, it was because he was upset with his marriage and I was sick, or we thought I was anyway. I was scared and in need of reassurance. But you and I...we're together because I knew what I actually wanted. Because I'd time to come to terms with who I was, and...and there's no regretting that."
Ashley reached up and touched Corrine's cheek, making her blush. Ashley then leaned up on her knees and pushed her lips against Corrine's, kissing her, with Corrine happily kissing her back. After the kiss ended, Ashley looked back towards the box and sighed.
"What are you even looking for?" Corrine asked, and Ashley shook her head.
"...when I was a little girl, I had this stuffed horse, because horses were my favorite animal. I know, what a cliche. I've held onto him forever, but I...I don't know, I felt weird about having him so close when I was with a male partner, I thought maybe they'd think I was childish or something - which, sadly, isn't a turn off to a lot of them - so I packed him away. I'm looking for him now, because I don't feel that shame anymore. Not with you."
Ashley looked back from the box to Corrine and smiled.
"I'm not very good at feelings," Corrine said, "understanding them, or whatever, but that's only when it comes to my own. I think I can understand others, or at the very least moreso than I used to be able to. But you won't be judged by me, no. Not for that. Not for anything, really. I'll help you look."
Corrine climbed off the stepladder and onto the floor, opening up another nearby box, and as she dug, Ashley couldn't help but smile and wipe the tears from her face, feeling more genuinely loved than she ever had. This woman, without question, came looking for her to make sure she was okay, reassured that things would be alright and she wasn't bad, and then offered to help her find what she was looking for without a second thought. Ashley had run away from her sexuality for so long, but right now, god damn it felt good to be queer.
***
"This is all your fault, really," Nat said.
She and Sharla had gotten together that evening, after both were done with work and after Stephen had gone back to his hotel. Sitting in the booth of a local pub, ordering cheese fries and drinking soda - something Sharla insisted on because, while she maintained a healthy diet, she also mainted the belief that alcohol was far worse - Nat couldn't help but lay the blame for today on her.
"I mean, you're the one who suggested I do it, and for what? I mean, okay, sure, we really talked through some things, and maybe that was good, but we could've done that in private, why do it on the show? Why must every facet of my life be available for public consumption just because I have a public access series?"
Sharla picked up another cheese fry and bit into it. She chewed for a bit, then took a long drink from her mug and burped.
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, by the way," Nat said, chuckling, "I just needed someone to take the blame, and since you're the one who suggested it, I figured you'd be the best bet. But I do think that, maybe, if you'd gone through something similar, you'd understand that you can't just put stuff out there for others to see and hope they get it, you know? If it helps them with their own situations, that's one thing, but I'm not looking for pity."
"Did I ever tell you I used to be married?" Sharla asked, causing Nat to stop speaking. Nat shook her head, staying quiet as Sharla continued, "Got married to my first boyfriend in college. We were that couple, you know, the one everyone admired and aimed to be. We shared a lot of interests, particularly in health, that's why we got along so well. Used to go for hikes, used to swim together for sport, all that stuff. And then, when I started doing what I do for a living, taking it seriously and really getting into shape, mostly for myself because, let's face it, I'm a shallow creature and I only feel good if I look good, uh...he got so weirdly jealous. I think it's because society puts higher value on attractive women then men, and so he...he didn't know how to handle the attention I started receiving, attention that, for the record, I never once responded to. He was still the only man I wanted."
"Men are so fucking insecure," Nat said, making Sharla smirk and nod.
"Sometimes," she said, "but that often isn't their fault. Once again, society makes them feel that way. The good ones are the ones who recognize their worth is in what they bring to other peoples lives, not what they get out of other peoples lives. And I don't mean that in a sort of, uh...dependable way, you know? That you have to provide, be a big strong man, rawr, all that nonsense. I mean, just, their presence, you know? Just being there is enough. Those are the ones who are good. He couldn't see that. He couldn't fathom it. He thought everything was transactional. The better I got, the worse he became. It was like a fucked up emotional pendulum."
Sharla took another fry and ate it, sniffling. She started to breath a little harder, and Nat could tell she was trying not to cry.
"...and then he started to hit me," Sharla said, without any warning, taking Nat by total surprise; she continued, "and when I say hit me, I don't mean just, like, a slap here and there. That...that would've been manageable comparatively, even if it was still wrong. No I mean...I would..."
She stopped and took a breath, shaking. Nat reached out and put a hand on Sharla's back, rubbing gently.
"I would come back from something, the gym or a run or whatever," Sharla said, "and he would see me feeling good, and he would think 'I have to make her feel bad', and he would. He would grab my hair and throw me into a wall, he would pin me there, and he would scream at me. There were times I hid in the closet for hours just to avoid being beaten. It was like, if he couldn't feel good, neither could I."
"Jesus christ, Sharla," Nat muttered, "how did you..."
"Thankfully, my mother, who had been a victim of domestic abuse in her first marriage before she had me, she was amazing in helping. Offered to let me move in without even discussing it, sent my dad to get my things so I didn't have to see him again. We thought about pursuing criminal charges, but honestly, at the end of the day...I just wanted to be over with it. I know that by not doing that, I was just giving him the go ahead to continue treating other women that way, but...I just needed to move on. So, when I tell you that maybe you should attempt to show people that their relationships with their exes can be amicable, maybe it's because I wish mine fucking could've been."
Sharla started sobbing, and Nat pulled her into her body, hugging her tight in the booth. She had no idea Sharla had ever been through anything like that. In a way, she figured, she and Sharla were exactly the same. Utilizing their own issues to try and help others. If one thing could be said about Stephen, it's that at least he never laid a hand on her, and it was sad that the bar was that fucking low.
"The show today or?"
"Everything. Us. My career. All of it," she replied, "maybe it was all a mistake. Having Violet wasn't a mistake, she's the best thing I've ever done, but the rest of it...maybe I'm the mistake, I don't know. I just know that, each time I try to make something better, I somehow make it worse. I'm so tired of being a screwup for the whole world to see. I want my mistakes to be private, not public, but this is the life I've chosen and I don't know how to get out of it."
"...are you saying what I think you're saying?" Stephen asked, and Nat shrugged.
"I just don't know that I can do this anymore," she whispered, near tears, wiping her nose on her sweatshirt sleeve, "or that I want to."
A huge admission coming from the woman who had once said she wanted to save everyone, but Stephen was proud of her. She'd admitted that she was no longer happy in what she was attempting, and that proved so much strength to him. He just wish she could see it too. It broke his heart that she couldn't fathom how strong she actually was, that she constantly saw herself as weak or less, despite all the good she did. She laid back on the trunk, and he joined her, and they looked up at the sky.
"What would you do otherwise?" Stephen asked.
Nat didn't answer for a few minutes. The sound of other cars driving by overtook their silence as the early evening streetlights began to flicker awake.
"...be happy," Nat finally said, and Stephen nodded.
"Not a bad choice," he said.
***
The whole thing could be traced back to Sharla, really, it had all been her fault, because it had all been her idea. And she'd said it all so casually, almost in passing. "Take your family on the show!" she'd exclaimed, explaining that, contextually, this might help not only the audience understand her better, but also those who are going through the same thing might understand themselves and their situation more too. The problem was...the last time Nat had put Violet in the limelight, it had caused undue duress to her, and now she was scared of any public recognition, understandably. Stephen, on the other hand, was far more receptive to the concept. But then again, why wouldn't he be? He was going through extreme upset, and anything he could do to avoid focusing on his feelings regarding the situation would be ideal. Going on the show might provide him a window into nostalgia, a way to feel like he was back in time, and they were all still technically a family.
"I don't know," Nat said as she drank her coffee, Sharla sitting at her kitchen table eating a package of trail mix; Nat shook her head and continued, "what if it goes sideways? I'm kind of sick of putting the people I love on constant public blast. It isn't fair to them."
"But you can show that if people just sit down and talk to one another, then maybe there's a good chance things can actually be resolved in a healthy manner, rather than simply ignoring the problems like most families tend to do. I know that, growing up, my parents opted to just...not talk about stuff. That eventually grew into resentment, which eventually led to divorce."
"I know, and you're not wrong, but I just...I almost lost my daughter before because of this kind of stuff, and I don't want to run that risk again," Nat said.
"Then don't take her. Take Stephen," Sharla said, "make it a show about amicably managing a relationship with an ex spouse. Lots of people could use that too, and I'm sure he would appreciate it."
"Yeah but then I'm just doing unpaid labor for a man who's no longer in my life, a man who left me for my own sister, by the way," Nat said, "Given how the audience thinks of him based on my former phrasings, they probably aren't the biggest fans of the guy."
"Well, give them a chance to be," Sharla said, smiling, popping some pretzels in her mouth as someone knocked on Nat's side door to the kitchen. Nat walked over and opened it, finding Misty standing there. Misty stepped past her and into the kitchen, waving politely at Sharla, before turning to face Nat.
"I think I'm about done," Misty said.
"Oh god, what's happened?" Nat asked, sounding concerned, "are you okay? Should we take you to see someone?"
A moment passed as Misty looked between Sharla and Nat, confused.
"I think I'm about done with your book," Misty said, and Nat laughed; Misty shook her head and continued, "editing is almost finished, I compiled everything, and it looks like it should be on the shelves any day now, really."
"That was fast," Sharla said.
"Well, these kinds of works don't really take much time," Misty said, glancing from her back to Nat before adding, "no offense but they aren't exactly the most sought after literary items. They're generally just an easy way for a publisher to make a quick buck, more than anything else. That being said, I take pride, care and consideration into what I do, and so I think I did a good job, and I hope you'll agree when you see it."
"I don't have to buy my own copy, do I?" Nat asked, and Misty shook her head.
Truth be told, Misty was actually scared of Nat's reception to the book. She had taken all these notes, spent all this time with her, and then, instead of utilizing any of that, she opted to throw it all out in favor of something she felt far more accurate to who Nat was as a person. Whether or not Nat would appreciate or understand it remained to be seen, but for the next week and a half, Misty would feel nervous as hell.
Which, at least, was something she was used to.
***
"I don't think I made you out to be the bad guy intentionally," Nat said, "I don't think I went into doing the show after you left thinking 'I need to make sure everyone knows what a douchebag this guy is', because I was mad, and when you're mad you don't think clearly. You don't make logical decisions. So perhaps I tainted your reputation unintentionally, but hopefully today fixed some of that."
"It isn't your job to fix others perception of me, even if you were the one who altered it. Clearly I got what I deserved, because look at how I acted. I was supposed to be an adult, and instead of talking about anything, I just had an emotional affair that turned physical. That...that isn't mature, Nat, you weren't totally wrong in feeling the way you did. But it's admirable of you to wanna undo that damage."
Nat put her arms behind her head and kept watching the clouds, smiling to herself.
"This is how we used to spend our time, remember?" she asked, "when we first started dating, we would go out for these long drives and we would just talk and watch the skies. You claimed we were hunting for UFOs, which, honestly, would've been way cool if it'd come true. How do you go from such simplicity to such complexity in just a handful of years?"
"By not talking," Stephen said, "weren't you listening to what I just said?"
"I'm sorry are you speaking?" Nat asked, grinning, the both of them laughing.
"Seriously though, if you aren't open about your problems, especially with the person you have those problems with, then how the hell do you expect to ever fix anything? Here I was, taking my issues to your sister, and okay, it was your sister, not some random woman, so maybe societally turning to a family member of sorts was more acceptable, but still. It's awful. What I did was awful."
"I brought you on today because of Sharla, god I hate her sometimes," Nat said, "Sharla made this whole impassioned speech about, like, being able to show others that you can move past your issues with an ex-spouse and have a healthy relationship and not blame yourself blah blah blah, but I don't think she really knew what she was talking about. I mean, sure, her sentiment is good, and her heart's in the right place, but, ya know...she wasn't the one who went through it. I think to make that kind of leap in faith you need to have experienced it first hand."
A car pulled into the lot and parked. A woman and her two kids got out and walked on by, Stephen and Nat watching for a bit until they were out of sight. Seeing this womans two daughters, Nat's thoughts turned back to Violet. Her coming out recently, her feelings of inadequacy in the face of public recognition. Nat grimaced and felt her eyes water.
"I ruined our daughters life," she whispered, "I ruined her adolescence."
"Hey, no, come on," Stephen said, leaning on his elbows and looking over at her, "you didn't...Nat, don't say that."
"But I did," she continued, "and unlike you there's no damage control to be done, there's no getting back what we had."
***
Corrine woke up and was surprised to find the bed empty. She had rolled onto her side, her fingers reaching out for Ashley's skin, but instead finding cold sheets. Corrine sat up and pushed her tussled hair from her face, then got out of bed and tugged on a tank top she'd slung over a nearby chair and some jogging shorts. She exited and walked down the hall, hearing the TV on in one direction. When she arrived in the living room, however, Ashley wasn't there. Then Corrine heard the sound of something being shuffled about in the garage, so she headed in that direction. She pulled open the door to find Ashley standing in the garage, looking through dozens of open cardboard boxes, frantically breathing.
"...are...are you okay?" Corrine asked as she entered, causing Ashley to look up.
"I'm sorry," Ashley said, wiping at her face, "I didn't wake you up did I?"
"No, I woke up and you weren't there, and that made me nervous enough to get up and check what was going on, but...what is going on?"
Ashley stopped, sitting crouched on her knees on the hard garage floor, shaking her head and picking at her hair.
"I'm the bad guy," she said, "this whole time, I'm the villain. I was sick. I needed comfort. But I did something so wrong. I'm the bad guy. She...she took Stephen on her show this morning, and they talked about their relationship, their split, me, everything. None of it was negative, it was all very 'be what it may' but...but it made me realize, hearing it all laid out like that in post chronological order that, yeah, I'm the bad guy of this story."
Corrine walked further in and pulled a little stepladder across the floor, stopping in front of Ashley and reaching out, taking her face in her hands, causing her to look up at her.
"...you're not the bad guy, there is no bad guy. You're only the villain if you set out with bad intentions. A villain has to WANT to do something to hurt others, right? You didn't do that. All of you were in pain and nobody knew how to handle it."
"And then," Ashley continued, still crying, breathing hard, "and then, as if what I did once wasn't bad enough, I did it AGAIN. I turned to you from him."
Corrine's eyes widened, and her stomach dropped.
"Do you...do you regret that?" she whispered, sounding hurt.
"Oh, no no no, god, no, I'm sorry, that sounded so wrong. I regret hurting my sister, taking her husband from her, but I...I could never regret what you and I have done. What we have. The difference between the two situations couldn't be more clear, Corrine, I mean...when Stephen and I got together, it was because he was upset with his marriage and I was sick, or we thought I was anyway. I was scared and in need of reassurance. But you and I...we're together because I knew what I actually wanted. Because I'd time to come to terms with who I was, and...and there's no regretting that."
Ashley reached up and touched Corrine's cheek, making her blush. Ashley then leaned up on her knees and pushed her lips against Corrine's, kissing her, with Corrine happily kissing her back. After the kiss ended, Ashley looked back towards the box and sighed.
"What are you even looking for?" Corrine asked, and Ashley shook her head.
"...when I was a little girl, I had this stuffed horse, because horses were my favorite animal. I know, what a cliche. I've held onto him forever, but I...I don't know, I felt weird about having him so close when I was with a male partner, I thought maybe they'd think I was childish or something - which, sadly, isn't a turn off to a lot of them - so I packed him away. I'm looking for him now, because I don't feel that shame anymore. Not with you."
Ashley looked back from the box to Corrine and smiled.
"I'm not very good at feelings," Corrine said, "understanding them, or whatever, but that's only when it comes to my own. I think I can understand others, or at the very least moreso than I used to be able to. But you won't be judged by me, no. Not for that. Not for anything, really. I'll help you look."
Corrine climbed off the stepladder and onto the floor, opening up another nearby box, and as she dug, Ashley couldn't help but smile and wipe the tears from her face, feeling more genuinely loved than she ever had. This woman, without question, came looking for her to make sure she was okay, reassured that things would be alright and she wasn't bad, and then offered to help her find what she was looking for without a second thought. Ashley had run away from her sexuality for so long, but right now, god damn it felt good to be queer.
***
"This is all your fault, really," Nat said.
She and Sharla had gotten together that evening, after both were done with work and after Stephen had gone back to his hotel. Sitting in the booth of a local pub, ordering cheese fries and drinking soda - something Sharla insisted on because, while she maintained a healthy diet, she also mainted the belief that alcohol was far worse - Nat couldn't help but lay the blame for today on her.
"I mean, you're the one who suggested I do it, and for what? I mean, okay, sure, we really talked through some things, and maybe that was good, but we could've done that in private, why do it on the show? Why must every facet of my life be available for public consumption just because I have a public access series?"
Sharla picked up another cheese fry and bit into it. She chewed for a bit, then took a long drink from her mug and burped.
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, by the way," Nat said, chuckling, "I just needed someone to take the blame, and since you're the one who suggested it, I figured you'd be the best bet. But I do think that, maybe, if you'd gone through something similar, you'd understand that you can't just put stuff out there for others to see and hope they get it, you know? If it helps them with their own situations, that's one thing, but I'm not looking for pity."
"Did I ever tell you I used to be married?" Sharla asked, causing Nat to stop speaking. Nat shook her head, staying quiet as Sharla continued, "Got married to my first boyfriend in college. We were that couple, you know, the one everyone admired and aimed to be. We shared a lot of interests, particularly in health, that's why we got along so well. Used to go for hikes, used to swim together for sport, all that stuff. And then, when I started doing what I do for a living, taking it seriously and really getting into shape, mostly for myself because, let's face it, I'm a shallow creature and I only feel good if I look good, uh...he got so weirdly jealous. I think it's because society puts higher value on attractive women then men, and so he...he didn't know how to handle the attention I started receiving, attention that, for the record, I never once responded to. He was still the only man I wanted."
"Men are so fucking insecure," Nat said, making Sharla smirk and nod.
"Sometimes," she said, "but that often isn't their fault. Once again, society makes them feel that way. The good ones are the ones who recognize their worth is in what they bring to other peoples lives, not what they get out of other peoples lives. And I don't mean that in a sort of, uh...dependable way, you know? That you have to provide, be a big strong man, rawr, all that nonsense. I mean, just, their presence, you know? Just being there is enough. Those are the ones who are good. He couldn't see that. He couldn't fathom it. He thought everything was transactional. The better I got, the worse he became. It was like a fucked up emotional pendulum."
Sharla took another fry and ate it, sniffling. She started to breath a little harder, and Nat could tell she was trying not to cry.
"...and then he started to hit me," Sharla said, without any warning, taking Nat by total surprise; she continued, "and when I say hit me, I don't mean just, like, a slap here and there. That...that would've been manageable comparatively, even if it was still wrong. No I mean...I would..."
She stopped and took a breath, shaking. Nat reached out and put a hand on Sharla's back, rubbing gently.
"I would come back from something, the gym or a run or whatever," Sharla said, "and he would see me feeling good, and he would think 'I have to make her feel bad', and he would. He would grab my hair and throw me into a wall, he would pin me there, and he would scream at me. There were times I hid in the closet for hours just to avoid being beaten. It was like, if he couldn't feel good, neither could I."
"Jesus christ, Sharla," Nat muttered, "how did you..."
"Thankfully, my mother, who had been a victim of domestic abuse in her first marriage before she had me, she was amazing in helping. Offered to let me move in without even discussing it, sent my dad to get my things so I didn't have to see him again. We thought about pursuing criminal charges, but honestly, at the end of the day...I just wanted to be over with it. I know that by not doing that, I was just giving him the go ahead to continue treating other women that way, but...I just needed to move on. So, when I tell you that maybe you should attempt to show people that their relationships with their exes can be amicable, maybe it's because I wish mine fucking could've been."
Sharla started sobbing, and Nat pulled her into her body, hugging her tight in the booth. She had no idea Sharla had ever been through anything like that. In a way, she figured, she and Sharla were exactly the same. Utilizing their own issues to try and help others. If one thing could be said about Stephen, it's that at least he never laid a hand on her, and it was sad that the bar was that fucking low.