Casey Kochawski was hiding in her bedroom closet.
She could hear the yelling, as always, but this time it wasn't her father and her mother...it was her mother and her babysitter. She couldn't make out the words, everything was muffled through the closet doors, her bedroom doors and all the wall space between them, but she could feel the intensity. Casey hugged her stuffed dog closer to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut tighter, trying to escape from this place, even if just for a little bit. Her babysitter, Micah, had been reading her a bedtime story, as was the usual routine, when her mother had burst into the house shouting. Micah, quick as lightning, dragged Casey into the closet and hid her there before going out to confront Casey's mother in the hall, and it'd felt like an eternity since that moment.
After a bit longer, the shouting subsided, and Casey heard a door slam shut. Then she heard her bedroom door open and then the closet doors were yanked open as well, as Micah reached inside and scooped Casey up, carrying her quickly out of the room, down the hall and out of the house. Micah put Casey in the backseat of her car, told her to lay down and be quiet, and then got into the drivers seat. She started the car up and pulled out of the driveway, then sped off down the street. Neither one knew where exactly they were going, but Casey had to admit, it felt kind of nice to have a real life knight in shining armor. After a bit, watching the streetlights pass over the backseat windows, Casey felt the car come to a stop, but she still stayed laying down in the backseat. The door opened and Micah climbed in beside her, breathing hard, before opening her arms. Casey climbed up into her lap and Micah held her tightly, crying against her.
Casey didn't know what had caused this sudden leave from the house, or the argument that had preceded it, but she was grateful to have at least one adult in her life hold her, especially in a non sexual way.
***
"Look at these sales figures," Liam said, his voice hoarse, leaning on his cane with one hand, holding a paper with his other; he continued, "after that live show, jeez...our merchandise is flying off the shelves, viewership numbers are blasting through the roof on the service, and we keep getting asked when we might do another live show."
"Mmm," Bea said, chewing on her lip, sinking further into her seat. She didn't want to think about the commodification of her best friend.
"They're even going to build a balloon for the Thanksgiving Day Parade this year," Liam said, "just nuts. Alright, well, Bea, you and Michelle should go down to the balloonist shop tomorrow or sometime this week and check it out. Everyone else just keep working on the show. Eliza, I need those new puppets sometime this week. Casey, just, keeping helping anyone who might need it."
"Can do chief," Casey said, saluting.
"Most of the new puppets are already done," Eliza said, pushing her glasses up her face, "in fact, a few already are, but I'd rather hand them over in bulk."
"That's fair, do it however you feel most comfortable," Liam said, smiling at her, making her feel comforted as he added, "Now, I have to go to an appointment, but when I get back, I expect to see everyone working hard, you got me?"
Everyone nodded, and the meeting broke. Casey, Michelle and Eliza headed their own way, leaving Liam and Bea in the room alone together. As her shifted his papers into a briefcase and adjusted his tie, Bea, legs now up on the table, just shook her head as she watched him until he finally noticed her.
"What?" he asked.
"What's with the sudden charge of leadership?" Bea asked, "not that you weren't always bossy, but this feels different."
"I'm just trying to make sure everything runs smooth," Liam said, "but, uh...are you okay? Cause you don't seem very okay."
"How okay can I be? They're financially prostituting my best friend," Bea said, and Liam nodded, scratching the back of his head.
"Yeah, yeah I...I figured you might feel this way about the success," he said, "but you gotta pick a side at some point, Bea. You flip flop, go back and forth between these two, ya know, these two mindsets of wanting to share her with the world so everyone can see her as you did and then wanting her all to yourself, and believe me, I understand the struggle, but...if you don't decide what you're truly okay with, you're never going to find inner peace."
"You're one to talk about inner peace," Bea scoffed.
"I'm not saying I have it either," Liam said, "this dog is just as important to me as she is to you. You know that. You and me, Bea, we've been through a lot together. Don't paint me in the light of someone who doesn't care, because I do, but this needs to be a well oiled, easily manageable machine, because, like it or not, it's going to keep you afloat financially for the rest of your life, and you're gonna need that, and know how to do it yourself. I can't always do it for you."
Bea screwed up her face, grimacing.
"The fuck does that mean?" she asked, and Liam shook his head.
"Just a generalized statement. I have an appointment to get to," Liam said, "I'll see you later."
As Liam exited the room, Bea thought about his words. When would he ever be going somewhere? He was always going to be here, he was number two in charge, essentially. This thing they'd created...sure she'd crafted the character and setting and concept herself, but together they'd fine tuned it, and so it was just as much his as it was hers. Bea eventually shook her head, gathered her things and headed into the hall as well. As she walked, she suddenly felt Casey walking alongside her.
"Hi," Bea said, smiling weakly at her.
"Are you okay?" Casey asked, sipping from a can of root beer.
"Honestly, I don't know," Bea said, "you're an artist, how would you feel if a character that meant the world to you, was integral to your personhood, was co-opted by the world as a financial cash cow? Sure, she's bringing happiness to so many children, even adults, but...at what expense?"
"I mostly draw monsters, creatures," Casey said, "but I do have one human character I've drawn for a long time. I'd eventually like to finish my graphic novel about them interacting with the monsters that surround her. It's mostly done, it just...it needs some cleanup and stuff. But she means so much to me, I don't think I could ever give her to anyone else. Giving her to the publisher alone would be hard enough."
"I admire your willingness to put integrity before commodity," Bea said, "that's so nice to see. I wish I could've been that way."
The thing is...this 'character' Casey had 'created' wasn't much of a character at all, but moreso an amalgamation of herself and another person. In a way, it was her small way to thank them for being in her life when they had been, and showing her that maybe, just maybe, if you found the right people, your life could be worth living after all. A sentiment Casey really appreciated.
Even if she still had trouble believing in it.
***
Michelle was chewing on her lip as she drove, Bea in the passenger seat eating yogurt from a little cup with a tiny spoon they provided along with it. They came to a red light and stopped, Michelle half shutting her eyes in concentration as Bea watched her, curious about where her mind was at. Bea sucked on the spoon for a minute, then dropped it into the yogurt cup and exhaled.
"Everything okay in there?" she asked, tapping the side of her own head, making Michelle smirk.
"Yeah, everything is fine," Michelle replied, "I'm just thinking about something."
"And what might that be? Feel like sharing with the class?" Bea asked.
"Well," Michelle said, gripping the wheel with both hands, "I don't know. I feel...I feel like something is wrong but I just can't put my finger on it. Something just feels so off. Liam is being very driven, not that he hasn't always been but something about it is different, and then..."
Michelle glanced over at Bea and sighed, shaking her head, running one hand up into her messy curly hair.
"...and then Eliza and I are happy, but I keep feeling like it can't last. The dread from a lifetime of illness, uncertainty from continued existence, has really made me nervous. Not about commitment, that I have no problem with, but moreso what could happen out of the blue. Even now, with as well as I'm doing health wise, I can't help but be scared."
Bea reached over and patted Michelle on the knee, smiling at her.
"When Liam and I originally did the stage show," she said, "or rather, I did the stage show and brought him on as a consultant of sorts, before we sold the thing to the pizzeria, we had this mother come speak to us one night before a show. She was bringing her child, they had something or other, I don't remember at this point, but she told us how terrified they were - the mother, not the child - of not being around anymore. Child apparently handled their mortality just fine, but the mother was the scared one, which makes sense. Children are often stronger than the adults around them, which is something I've always tried to perpetuate as a truth to the public. Either way, she asked that, after the show, we stop and speak with them, in costume of course."
Michelle smiled as she listened to this, the light turning green and she pressed her foot on the gas, continuing to drive towards their destination. Bea cleared her throat and continued, pulling a bag of peanuts out of her pocket and opening them.
"The thing is...the kid got better. They didn't have that fear to begin with, but their mom never recovered from the possibility that they could die at any given moment. She became overbearing, overprotective, moreso than mothers already are, and she simply wouldn't let up. Kid stayed in contact with us for years, eventually telling us they opted to simply move out of state just to escape her hounding them. Mother followed them to their new place and, in a fit of mania, I suppose, ended both their lives. It became a self fulfilling prophecy."
"Gotta admit, wasn't where I saw that going," Michelle said, surprised, causing Bea to chuckle.
"Not to laugh at the murder of a family, of course, but yeah," Bea remarked, "and that's the thing, Michelle. You survived death. You survived a lifetime of possible death. You said it yourself, you don't know how to keep going from that. But you're doing great. We all are. With the exception of those two, of course. Eventually, we all die. There's no escaping it. You can dwell on it, and that leads to some rather fascinating revelations about the sense of ones self worth, but overall, it's just another thing that happens to us. We all die, and some of us lose children."
Bea glanced out the window as they came to a stop sign and Michelle slowed, preparing to turn, looking over at her, confused. She kept waiting for the stinger to the conversation...
...but it never came.
***
"I need help," Casey said, standing in Liam's doorway to his office. Liam lowered his glasses and smiled at her.
"Glad to hear you finally admit it," he said.
"Shut up," Casey replied, the both of them laughing as she came further in, shutting the office door behind her; as she seated herself in the chair opposite him at the desk, she sighed, then said, "you found Justine, for Michelle, remember? I need you to do the same for me. Course, mine isn't anywhere near as noble a quest."
"I'm not the goddamn bureau of missing persons," Liam said.
"No, but you're good at it," Casey said, "I can pay you."
"I don't want your money, I have my own," Liam said, "what do you want to find this person for?"
Casey didn't want to say. She didn't want to divulge that she was searching for her old babysitter, a woman who may not even be alive anymore for all she knew, let alone in the state for that matter. She swallowed and shut her eyes, then opened her backpack between her legs and pulled out a sketchbook, plopping it down onto the desk. Liam put his glasses back on, leaned forward and started leafing through it.
"The hell is this?" he asked.
"This is something I've been working on for years," Casey said, "I don't...I want to put it out, but I'm scared and I don't know the proper channels and, like Bea, I'm scared of having it taken away from me. I was hoping, maybe, if you helped me find this person...you'd be willing to take half the percentage of this if we can get it into the hands of publishers."
Liam raised an eyebrow, certainly intrigued by her offer. He continued to flip through the pages, admittedly impressed by what he was seeing. After a little bit longer, he stopped and looked back up at Casey, who appeared to be extremely anxious, tugging on the tassels of her sweatshirts neckline.
"...if I can ask just one question," Liam said, "you think you want this, but do you really? Because, trust me, finding someone is different than the yearning you're currently feeling right now."
Casey squinted at him, confused, as Liam sighed, shut the book and leaned back in his chair.
"Years ago," Liam said, "I looked up this little girl I used to know. Someone Bea and I were only tangibly involved with, but still, I had my curiosities. Her name was Claire. Bea and I knew her back when we were in the city, when we were in our twenties."
"Was she a part of the team or?"
"Casey, you listening to me? She was a child," Liam said, waving his hand at her, "point is, she was there. And Bea and I cared for her deeply, but we also knew it wasn't a good evironment for her. After a lot of difficult deliberation, we came to the conclusion that we needed to cut ties, and we let her go, and it hurt like hell. Bea never really got over it, always feeling so guilty about dropping someone like that, as did I, but a few years ago, right before we started the show again, I decided, on a whim, to look her up."
Casey crossed her legs and listened as Liam exhaled and ran his hand through his thinning hair.
"...I found her, it wasn't hard," he continued, "but once I did, I wished I hadn't. Not because she was doing bad or anything, in fact if anything she was flourishing, but because it just hurt to see her again. To know we all could've stayed in one anothers lives if things had just been different. Her folks, they did a great job raising her, that much was clear, and for that I'm grateful, but...you think you want these things because you create this fantasy in your head about how the reunion will be, but Casey, it isn't always the case. It doesn't always go the way you expect or even hope. So that's why I'm asking...do you really want this?"
Casey chewed on her lip and thought for a moment. Did she? Yes, she did. She nodded and Liam smiled, nodding back.
"Alright," he said, "I'll look into it once you give me some info on who it is you're stalking."
Casey laughed and agreed. She had to do this, for the sake of her own mind. What could possibly go wrong?
***
Keagen, Lexi, Michelle and Eliza were at a restaurant that evening. It had been something they'd been trying to do more and more lately, spending time together outside of work, their little core group, as it were. Especially Michelle and Keagan, as they felt they hadn't been seeing one another often enough, which, considering the roles they each played in getting the show back on the air to begin with, felt ridiculous. Sitting there eating their respective meals, Eliza just listened to the conversation, often feeling as though she had nothing to really add.
"So what do you plan to do when you graduate?" Michelle asked, looking at Lexi as she stabbed some of the tiny potatoes on her plate with her fork and popped it into her mouth.
"Well," Lexi said, "likely look for a job in the field, honestly. Dad will be out of prison in time for my graduation, so that makes me happy. He'll get to see how well I did even in spite of his absence. How hard I worked to keep the family afloat, keep myself going. But yeah, I'll look for a job in the physics or engineering field. One thing's for sure, I'll never have to worry about money."
"Yeah that's nice," Michelle said, laughing.
"You're not mad at your dad?" Eliza asked, biting into her grilled cheese she'd ordered from the kids menu, catching her glasses as they started to slide off her face.
"I mean, I harbor some resentment, sure. The guy ruined our lives with his decisions," Lexi said, "but honestly, I'm just happy he'll be out and that he's regretful. He isn't a bad man, and he certainly wasn't a bad father, not intentionally anyway. Negligence is negligence I suppose, I just know I'm luckier than others thanks to the fact that mine wasn't on purpose. Doesn't forgive it, but softens the blow at least."
"You're right," Michelle said, "negligence is negligence. As someone who's on the opposite end of that spectrum, kind of like Casey, I can speak to that truth. But I'm happy you're at least getting the chance to have a better relationship with your father. I wish mine were still around so I could do the same."
"Well, I'm going to start going to the prison to see him, so," Lexi said, "hopefully we can manage to build something out of this whole mess, and that way when he comes to my graduation, we'll already have some footing to start out on."
Eliza continued listening as she ate, all the while thinking about how lucky Lexi was. She didn't lose her father, but the chance to start again with a parent? That struck a chord with her. She wanted that so badly. Eliza didn't talk the whole drive home, and when she and Michelle finally made it into the apartment, greeted by their Dalmation, Roscoe, she finally let it out. She laid on the couch and she sobbed. She sobbed for what felt like hours. Lately she'd been having a lot of thoughts about her mom, and Michelle knew this. Michelle laid on the couch with her, wrapping herself around Eliza as best she could, and simply told her it was okay to not be okay. Eliza felt so lucky to have Michelle, but she still so badly wanted her mom.
"Grief never goes away," Bea had once told her when they were hanging out in The Hole one day during production; Bea took a drag off her cigarette and added, watching the tip burn and ash away to the floor with a look of wistfulness that only the most successful Frenchmen often managed to convey, "and it never becomes acceptable. Everyone feels bad for you at the start, and then annoyed when you don't move past it."
And Michelle hadn't gotten annoyed yet, but who knew when she would? Eliza had already lost her mom. Could she survive losing the woman she loved too? Introverted as she was, there was only so many years she could spend alone with puppets.
***
"Is there anything you want to discuss?" Doctor Franks asked, sitting on the little stool in his examination room he was currently sharing with Liam. Liam was looking at his cane and thinking about Marvin. Liam smirked and rubbed the head of his cane.
"When my longtime Marvin died...I was the one who got to decide what to do with his remains," Liam said, "eventually I settled on having him cremated. Then, after I tried to off myself and was given the chance to have a custom cane designed, I figured I'd put Marvin in the top of it, in here, and that way we'd always be together."
"That's very sweet," Doctor Franks said, smiling.
"I don't want to force that same decision on someone else," Liam said, "especially not her."
"Do you have any children, Liam?" Doctor Franks asked, crossing his legs. Liam thought about this question, then bit his lip and decided against it, shaking his head; Doctor Franks sighed and nodded, "okay then, well, you're gonna need someone, Liam. You need to assign this responsibility to someone. I know Beatrice is currently your emergency contact, but-"
"I don't want her dealing with this," Liam said, "I don't. I can't do that to her. I know how hard it was for me with Marvin, and I'd never do that to her."
"Then Liam," Doctor Franks said, standing up, "I highly suggest you start looking for that person. Because it's going to happen, soon, and...and I just don't want things anymore difficult for your friends than they already will be."
With that, Doctor Franks exited the room, leaving Liam with his thoughts...and his cane. How was he going to manage all this? The show, as well as his plans for his death? It was all going to take so much time.
Time he no longer had.
She could hear the yelling, as always, but this time it wasn't her father and her mother...it was her mother and her babysitter. She couldn't make out the words, everything was muffled through the closet doors, her bedroom doors and all the wall space between them, but she could feel the intensity. Casey hugged her stuffed dog closer to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut tighter, trying to escape from this place, even if just for a little bit. Her babysitter, Micah, had been reading her a bedtime story, as was the usual routine, when her mother had burst into the house shouting. Micah, quick as lightning, dragged Casey into the closet and hid her there before going out to confront Casey's mother in the hall, and it'd felt like an eternity since that moment.
After a bit longer, the shouting subsided, and Casey heard a door slam shut. Then she heard her bedroom door open and then the closet doors were yanked open as well, as Micah reached inside and scooped Casey up, carrying her quickly out of the room, down the hall and out of the house. Micah put Casey in the backseat of her car, told her to lay down and be quiet, and then got into the drivers seat. She started the car up and pulled out of the driveway, then sped off down the street. Neither one knew where exactly they were going, but Casey had to admit, it felt kind of nice to have a real life knight in shining armor. After a bit, watching the streetlights pass over the backseat windows, Casey felt the car come to a stop, but she still stayed laying down in the backseat. The door opened and Micah climbed in beside her, breathing hard, before opening her arms. Casey climbed up into her lap and Micah held her tightly, crying against her.
Casey didn't know what had caused this sudden leave from the house, or the argument that had preceded it, but she was grateful to have at least one adult in her life hold her, especially in a non sexual way.
***
"Look at these sales figures," Liam said, his voice hoarse, leaning on his cane with one hand, holding a paper with his other; he continued, "after that live show, jeez...our merchandise is flying off the shelves, viewership numbers are blasting through the roof on the service, and we keep getting asked when we might do another live show."
"Mmm," Bea said, chewing on her lip, sinking further into her seat. She didn't want to think about the commodification of her best friend.
"They're even going to build a balloon for the Thanksgiving Day Parade this year," Liam said, "just nuts. Alright, well, Bea, you and Michelle should go down to the balloonist shop tomorrow or sometime this week and check it out. Everyone else just keep working on the show. Eliza, I need those new puppets sometime this week. Casey, just, keeping helping anyone who might need it."
"Can do chief," Casey said, saluting.
"Most of the new puppets are already done," Eliza said, pushing her glasses up her face, "in fact, a few already are, but I'd rather hand them over in bulk."
"That's fair, do it however you feel most comfortable," Liam said, smiling at her, making her feel comforted as he added, "Now, I have to go to an appointment, but when I get back, I expect to see everyone working hard, you got me?"
Everyone nodded, and the meeting broke. Casey, Michelle and Eliza headed their own way, leaving Liam and Bea in the room alone together. As her shifted his papers into a briefcase and adjusted his tie, Bea, legs now up on the table, just shook her head as she watched him until he finally noticed her.
"What?" he asked.
"What's with the sudden charge of leadership?" Bea asked, "not that you weren't always bossy, but this feels different."
"I'm just trying to make sure everything runs smooth," Liam said, "but, uh...are you okay? Cause you don't seem very okay."
"How okay can I be? They're financially prostituting my best friend," Bea said, and Liam nodded, scratching the back of his head.
"Yeah, yeah I...I figured you might feel this way about the success," he said, "but you gotta pick a side at some point, Bea. You flip flop, go back and forth between these two, ya know, these two mindsets of wanting to share her with the world so everyone can see her as you did and then wanting her all to yourself, and believe me, I understand the struggle, but...if you don't decide what you're truly okay with, you're never going to find inner peace."
"You're one to talk about inner peace," Bea scoffed.
"I'm not saying I have it either," Liam said, "this dog is just as important to me as she is to you. You know that. You and me, Bea, we've been through a lot together. Don't paint me in the light of someone who doesn't care, because I do, but this needs to be a well oiled, easily manageable machine, because, like it or not, it's going to keep you afloat financially for the rest of your life, and you're gonna need that, and know how to do it yourself. I can't always do it for you."
Bea screwed up her face, grimacing.
"The fuck does that mean?" she asked, and Liam shook his head.
"Just a generalized statement. I have an appointment to get to," Liam said, "I'll see you later."
As Liam exited the room, Bea thought about his words. When would he ever be going somewhere? He was always going to be here, he was number two in charge, essentially. This thing they'd created...sure she'd crafted the character and setting and concept herself, but together they'd fine tuned it, and so it was just as much his as it was hers. Bea eventually shook her head, gathered her things and headed into the hall as well. As she walked, she suddenly felt Casey walking alongside her.
"Hi," Bea said, smiling weakly at her.
"Are you okay?" Casey asked, sipping from a can of root beer.
"Honestly, I don't know," Bea said, "you're an artist, how would you feel if a character that meant the world to you, was integral to your personhood, was co-opted by the world as a financial cash cow? Sure, she's bringing happiness to so many children, even adults, but...at what expense?"
"I mostly draw monsters, creatures," Casey said, "but I do have one human character I've drawn for a long time. I'd eventually like to finish my graphic novel about them interacting with the monsters that surround her. It's mostly done, it just...it needs some cleanup and stuff. But she means so much to me, I don't think I could ever give her to anyone else. Giving her to the publisher alone would be hard enough."
"I admire your willingness to put integrity before commodity," Bea said, "that's so nice to see. I wish I could've been that way."
The thing is...this 'character' Casey had 'created' wasn't much of a character at all, but moreso an amalgamation of herself and another person. In a way, it was her small way to thank them for being in her life when they had been, and showing her that maybe, just maybe, if you found the right people, your life could be worth living after all. A sentiment Casey really appreciated.
Even if she still had trouble believing in it.
***
Michelle was chewing on her lip as she drove, Bea in the passenger seat eating yogurt from a little cup with a tiny spoon they provided along with it. They came to a red light and stopped, Michelle half shutting her eyes in concentration as Bea watched her, curious about where her mind was at. Bea sucked on the spoon for a minute, then dropped it into the yogurt cup and exhaled.
"Everything okay in there?" she asked, tapping the side of her own head, making Michelle smirk.
"Yeah, everything is fine," Michelle replied, "I'm just thinking about something."
"And what might that be? Feel like sharing with the class?" Bea asked.
"Well," Michelle said, gripping the wheel with both hands, "I don't know. I feel...I feel like something is wrong but I just can't put my finger on it. Something just feels so off. Liam is being very driven, not that he hasn't always been but something about it is different, and then..."
Michelle glanced over at Bea and sighed, shaking her head, running one hand up into her messy curly hair.
"...and then Eliza and I are happy, but I keep feeling like it can't last. The dread from a lifetime of illness, uncertainty from continued existence, has really made me nervous. Not about commitment, that I have no problem with, but moreso what could happen out of the blue. Even now, with as well as I'm doing health wise, I can't help but be scared."
Bea reached over and patted Michelle on the knee, smiling at her.
"When Liam and I originally did the stage show," she said, "or rather, I did the stage show and brought him on as a consultant of sorts, before we sold the thing to the pizzeria, we had this mother come speak to us one night before a show. She was bringing her child, they had something or other, I don't remember at this point, but she told us how terrified they were - the mother, not the child - of not being around anymore. Child apparently handled their mortality just fine, but the mother was the scared one, which makes sense. Children are often stronger than the adults around them, which is something I've always tried to perpetuate as a truth to the public. Either way, she asked that, after the show, we stop and speak with them, in costume of course."
Michelle smiled as she listened to this, the light turning green and she pressed her foot on the gas, continuing to drive towards their destination. Bea cleared her throat and continued, pulling a bag of peanuts out of her pocket and opening them.
"The thing is...the kid got better. They didn't have that fear to begin with, but their mom never recovered from the possibility that they could die at any given moment. She became overbearing, overprotective, moreso than mothers already are, and she simply wouldn't let up. Kid stayed in contact with us for years, eventually telling us they opted to simply move out of state just to escape her hounding them. Mother followed them to their new place and, in a fit of mania, I suppose, ended both their lives. It became a self fulfilling prophecy."
"Gotta admit, wasn't where I saw that going," Michelle said, surprised, causing Bea to chuckle.
"Not to laugh at the murder of a family, of course, but yeah," Bea remarked, "and that's the thing, Michelle. You survived death. You survived a lifetime of possible death. You said it yourself, you don't know how to keep going from that. But you're doing great. We all are. With the exception of those two, of course. Eventually, we all die. There's no escaping it. You can dwell on it, and that leads to some rather fascinating revelations about the sense of ones self worth, but overall, it's just another thing that happens to us. We all die, and some of us lose children."
Bea glanced out the window as they came to a stop sign and Michelle slowed, preparing to turn, looking over at her, confused. She kept waiting for the stinger to the conversation...
...but it never came.
***
"I need help," Casey said, standing in Liam's doorway to his office. Liam lowered his glasses and smiled at her.
"Glad to hear you finally admit it," he said.
"Shut up," Casey replied, the both of them laughing as she came further in, shutting the office door behind her; as she seated herself in the chair opposite him at the desk, she sighed, then said, "you found Justine, for Michelle, remember? I need you to do the same for me. Course, mine isn't anywhere near as noble a quest."
"I'm not the goddamn bureau of missing persons," Liam said.
"No, but you're good at it," Casey said, "I can pay you."
"I don't want your money, I have my own," Liam said, "what do you want to find this person for?"
Casey didn't want to say. She didn't want to divulge that she was searching for her old babysitter, a woman who may not even be alive anymore for all she knew, let alone in the state for that matter. She swallowed and shut her eyes, then opened her backpack between her legs and pulled out a sketchbook, plopping it down onto the desk. Liam put his glasses back on, leaned forward and started leafing through it.
"The hell is this?" he asked.
"This is something I've been working on for years," Casey said, "I don't...I want to put it out, but I'm scared and I don't know the proper channels and, like Bea, I'm scared of having it taken away from me. I was hoping, maybe, if you helped me find this person...you'd be willing to take half the percentage of this if we can get it into the hands of publishers."
Liam raised an eyebrow, certainly intrigued by her offer. He continued to flip through the pages, admittedly impressed by what he was seeing. After a little bit longer, he stopped and looked back up at Casey, who appeared to be extremely anxious, tugging on the tassels of her sweatshirts neckline.
"...if I can ask just one question," Liam said, "you think you want this, but do you really? Because, trust me, finding someone is different than the yearning you're currently feeling right now."
Casey squinted at him, confused, as Liam sighed, shut the book and leaned back in his chair.
"Years ago," Liam said, "I looked up this little girl I used to know. Someone Bea and I were only tangibly involved with, but still, I had my curiosities. Her name was Claire. Bea and I knew her back when we were in the city, when we were in our twenties."
"Was she a part of the team or?"
"Casey, you listening to me? She was a child," Liam said, waving his hand at her, "point is, she was there. And Bea and I cared for her deeply, but we also knew it wasn't a good evironment for her. After a lot of difficult deliberation, we came to the conclusion that we needed to cut ties, and we let her go, and it hurt like hell. Bea never really got over it, always feeling so guilty about dropping someone like that, as did I, but a few years ago, right before we started the show again, I decided, on a whim, to look her up."
Casey crossed her legs and listened as Liam exhaled and ran his hand through his thinning hair.
"...I found her, it wasn't hard," he continued, "but once I did, I wished I hadn't. Not because she was doing bad or anything, in fact if anything she was flourishing, but because it just hurt to see her again. To know we all could've stayed in one anothers lives if things had just been different. Her folks, they did a great job raising her, that much was clear, and for that I'm grateful, but...you think you want these things because you create this fantasy in your head about how the reunion will be, but Casey, it isn't always the case. It doesn't always go the way you expect or even hope. So that's why I'm asking...do you really want this?"
Casey chewed on her lip and thought for a moment. Did she? Yes, she did. She nodded and Liam smiled, nodding back.
"Alright," he said, "I'll look into it once you give me some info on who it is you're stalking."
Casey laughed and agreed. She had to do this, for the sake of her own mind. What could possibly go wrong?
***
Keagen, Lexi, Michelle and Eliza were at a restaurant that evening. It had been something they'd been trying to do more and more lately, spending time together outside of work, their little core group, as it were. Especially Michelle and Keagan, as they felt they hadn't been seeing one another often enough, which, considering the roles they each played in getting the show back on the air to begin with, felt ridiculous. Sitting there eating their respective meals, Eliza just listened to the conversation, often feeling as though she had nothing to really add.
"So what do you plan to do when you graduate?" Michelle asked, looking at Lexi as she stabbed some of the tiny potatoes on her plate with her fork and popped it into her mouth.
"Well," Lexi said, "likely look for a job in the field, honestly. Dad will be out of prison in time for my graduation, so that makes me happy. He'll get to see how well I did even in spite of his absence. How hard I worked to keep the family afloat, keep myself going. But yeah, I'll look for a job in the physics or engineering field. One thing's for sure, I'll never have to worry about money."
"Yeah that's nice," Michelle said, laughing.
"You're not mad at your dad?" Eliza asked, biting into her grilled cheese she'd ordered from the kids menu, catching her glasses as they started to slide off her face.
"I mean, I harbor some resentment, sure. The guy ruined our lives with his decisions," Lexi said, "but honestly, I'm just happy he'll be out and that he's regretful. He isn't a bad man, and he certainly wasn't a bad father, not intentionally anyway. Negligence is negligence I suppose, I just know I'm luckier than others thanks to the fact that mine wasn't on purpose. Doesn't forgive it, but softens the blow at least."
"You're right," Michelle said, "negligence is negligence. As someone who's on the opposite end of that spectrum, kind of like Casey, I can speak to that truth. But I'm happy you're at least getting the chance to have a better relationship with your father. I wish mine were still around so I could do the same."
"Well, I'm going to start going to the prison to see him, so," Lexi said, "hopefully we can manage to build something out of this whole mess, and that way when he comes to my graduation, we'll already have some footing to start out on."
Eliza continued listening as she ate, all the while thinking about how lucky Lexi was. She didn't lose her father, but the chance to start again with a parent? That struck a chord with her. She wanted that so badly. Eliza didn't talk the whole drive home, and when she and Michelle finally made it into the apartment, greeted by their Dalmation, Roscoe, she finally let it out. She laid on the couch and she sobbed. She sobbed for what felt like hours. Lately she'd been having a lot of thoughts about her mom, and Michelle knew this. Michelle laid on the couch with her, wrapping herself around Eliza as best she could, and simply told her it was okay to not be okay. Eliza felt so lucky to have Michelle, but she still so badly wanted her mom.
"Grief never goes away," Bea had once told her when they were hanging out in The Hole one day during production; Bea took a drag off her cigarette and added, watching the tip burn and ash away to the floor with a look of wistfulness that only the most successful Frenchmen often managed to convey, "and it never becomes acceptable. Everyone feels bad for you at the start, and then annoyed when you don't move past it."
And Michelle hadn't gotten annoyed yet, but who knew when she would? Eliza had already lost her mom. Could she survive losing the woman she loved too? Introverted as she was, there was only so many years she could spend alone with puppets.
***
"Is there anything you want to discuss?" Doctor Franks asked, sitting on the little stool in his examination room he was currently sharing with Liam. Liam was looking at his cane and thinking about Marvin. Liam smirked and rubbed the head of his cane.
"When my longtime Marvin died...I was the one who got to decide what to do with his remains," Liam said, "eventually I settled on having him cremated. Then, after I tried to off myself and was given the chance to have a custom cane designed, I figured I'd put Marvin in the top of it, in here, and that way we'd always be together."
"That's very sweet," Doctor Franks said, smiling.
"I don't want to force that same decision on someone else," Liam said, "especially not her."
"Do you have any children, Liam?" Doctor Franks asked, crossing his legs. Liam thought about this question, then bit his lip and decided against it, shaking his head; Doctor Franks sighed and nodded, "okay then, well, you're gonna need someone, Liam. You need to assign this responsibility to someone. I know Beatrice is currently your emergency contact, but-"
"I don't want her dealing with this," Liam said, "I don't. I can't do that to her. I know how hard it was for me with Marvin, and I'd never do that to her."
"Then Liam," Doctor Franks said, standing up, "I highly suggest you start looking for that person. Because it's going to happen, soon, and...and I just don't want things anymore difficult for your friends than they already will be."
With that, Doctor Franks exited the room, leaving Liam with his thoughts...and his cane. How was he going to manage all this? The show, as well as his plans for his death? It was all going to take so much time.
Time he no longer had.