"Did you find everything alright?" Adam asked, as he finished checking Regina's groceries and bagging the last of them.

"I actually did have some trouble finding something," Regina said, grinning, "Do you maybe do a personal shopper sort of situation?"

"I do, actually, do you need help taking this stuff out to your car ma'am?" Adam asked, picking up her bags as she nodded and bit her lip.

"I'd really appreciate that, yeah," she said.

Within minutes they were in the backseat of her car, parked just far enough away from the grocery store, with the windows steamed up. It all seemed like some sort of fucked up roleplay fantasy, but Regina couldn't help but like it. Afterwards, they just got dressed again and sat in the front seat of the cars, passing a joint back and forth.

"I haven't smoked pot since I was just out of college, before my daughter was born," Regina said.

"Really? That's surprising, you seem like someone who would do it a lot," Adam said.

"I probably would've, but my husband was really oddly antidrug, even for the seemingly most mundane of them," Regina said, "god, you don't think about what the person you're married to is like while you're married to them, only once they're gone - whether divorce or death - does it really hit you...all their faults and their flaws, all the little things you used to write off as oddities now become annoyances."

"You said you loved him though," Adam said.

"I did...I won't deny that, even up to his death I loved him, but," Regina stopped, tapping her nails on the window and sighing, "...I don't know. We were really really close when we were younger, but I think having children changes your romantic dynamic, and afterwards we...we were still great friends but we weren't the same as before. It's hard to explain."

Adam reached over and patted her on the thigh, smiling as he said, "Hey, you don't gotta explain anything. You can just ramble and I'll listen, it's cool."

"...thanks," Regina said, blushing, "...you know, people always say young guys are the worst, but you're pretty alright."

"That's what I like to think. Not too great, not too shabby, just pretty alright. Does wonders for my self esteem," Adam said, making them both laugh as he handed her back the joint and she took a long puff from it. They must've stayed in that car for 2 hours solid.

                                                                              ***

Sarah could only have been prouder of Dodie's efforts at her first riding show if she'd been her own daughter. Standing near the gate of the arena, watching with hands clasped tightly and the biggest smile on her face, she felt like all of her horse knowledge had been shared with this little girl, and she was so happy to have been the one to share it.

She watched Dodie tell the horse to trot, to canter, to gallop, to jump over little barriers barely off the ground. She watched her do it all with ease and realized Dodie was a better rider than even she had been at Dodie's age. As Dodie finally pulled the horse back around to the side of the arena, Sarah re-entered and helped her dismount the saddle. Once her feet were firmly planted on the ground, Sarah hugged her.

"You did so well! You're gonna be great at tonights showing!" she said, "Are you excited?"

"I guess," Dodie said, looking at her feet.

"Hey, what's wrong? This is what we've been working towards, you should be happy!"

Dodie opened her mouth, then hesitated, closing it again and just opting to shrug her shoulders instead. Sarah knew that since her father had died, she'd become much more reserved, but even still she wanted her to have some sort of joy at what she was about to accomplish. Sarah knelt in the dirt of the arena and looked up at Dodie.

"Hey," she said, "do you like to play with toys still?"

Dodie nodded.

"Well, I have a bunch of old classic horse toys, plastic figurines and stuff, and I was thinking of donating them somewhere. Would you want them?" Sarah asked.

"...are you sure you're okay with giving them away?"

"Yeah, I'm too old for them, and I'd rather they go to someone who would appreciate and use them instead of me letting them sit around in dust," Sarah said, "Come with me, we'll sit down and I'll show you some pictures of them!"

Dodie smiled and nodded, then gave the horse half a carrot and walked off excitedly with Sarah, hand in hand. Dodie was lucky. She had a big support group between her new friend at school, her horse trainer and her family. Not all children, especially when grief is involved, get that.

                                                                                ***

"Why do you have so many groceries in the house?" Palmer asked, shutting the door to the pantry.

She'd come down for the evening to see her sisters horse show, but upon inspecting the kitchen for a snack, she was beginning to have issues with the way her mother was running things. She hopped up on the counter and sat there, pushing her grey beanie up a little on her head.

"I've been having groceries delivered," Regina said as she washed some dishes.

"What, like 5 times a day?" Palmer replied, making her mother chuckle.

"It's simply easier than going out and getting them, especially with having to do double the work now considering I'm the only parent around," Regina said, shutting the faucet off and turning towards her daughter while wiping her hands on a dish towel; she furrowed her brow and asked, "Must you sit on the counter?"

"I must," Palmer said, tearing open a small bag of carrot sticks she'd foraged from the fridge and biting into one; she added, "ya know, I don't think I ever had an extracurricular activity like Dodie does with her horses. At least not one I can remember. Maybe I did and it was so awful I repressed the memory."

"That's probably not far off from the truth, actually," Regina said, surprising her daughter by hopping up on the counter and seating herself, joining her as she lit a cigarette and said, "when you were about 5, you were part of a small group at the local library called The Bookworms, and it was a handful of little girls who loved to read. But you really didn't like going, despite liking reading, because the other kids made fun of you for what you liked to read."

"...really?" Palmer asked, popping another carrot stick in her mouth and chewing, her blonde curls bouncing as she titled her head, "...why? What was I reading?"

"You insisted on reading books about mummies and ancient burial techniques," Regina said, "eventually the woman who ran the group said it'd be best for everyone if you stopped coming, since you didn't like to participate to begin with and everyone was giving you a hard time anyway. Your dad was furious."

"He was always disappointed in me."

"No, not at you, at the woman running the group," Regina said, taking a long drag and then putting it out in the ashtray sitting on the counter with them as she continued, "He said 'whose business is it what she reads so long as she enjoys reading?' and frankly, I agreed with him. The whole point was to get kids interested in literature, ANY literature. It wasn't supposed to be a popularity contest, but somehow children and their adults always turn it into one. There isn't a single goddamned aspect of childhood that hasn't been morphed in some sick way into a popularity contest of sorts."

Palmer chewed slowly, waiting for the silence between them to lessen. Outside, a truck slowly drove by, and she could hear a dog somewhere bark.

"...was that what your childhood was like?" Palmer asked quietly and her mother sighed, scratched her forehead and shrugged.

"It doesn't really matter, all that matters is that the same doesn't happen for your sister," she said, "We need to focus on keeping her away from kids who might want to hurt her."

"Why would anyone wanna hurt Dodie?"

"They wanted to hurt you," Regina said, touching her daughters face and smiling softly, "and you two are more alike than you'd think."

Regina hopped down off the counter and went back to washing dishes, leaving Palmer sitting there, very confused about the exchange that had just taken place. Maybe she'd talk to Dodie later, after the showing, see what she thought about the whole thing. She was coming to realize that talking to her sister made a hell of a lot more sense somehow than talking to their mother.

                                                                                ***

Sarah was leaning against the wall right outside the changing room, her arms folded, her hair braided; she was already in her riding outfit, and her helmet was sitting at her feet. She pulled her sleeve up and checked her watch. The show was going to start in 15 minutes, and Dodie was the 2nd person showing for dressage. She exhaled and put her hands to her head as she slid down the wall and onto the floor. Suddenly she saw a pair of feet approach her, and she looked up only to see a woman about her age standing there looking down at her.

"Can I help you?" Sarah asked.

"I'm looking for my sister," Palmer said, "She's supposed to be in this dressing room, right?"

"She is in this dressing room, but she refuses to come out," Sarah said as Palmer sat down beside her.

"What?" she asked.

"I don't know. We were looking at photos of horse toys I was going to give her, and then suddenly she just...she just said she'd get changed and once I was out of the room she locked the door and refused to open it. Maybe she'll talk to you, considering."

"Maybe," Palmer said, "...don't take it too personally, okay? Things are just weird lately."

"I'm well aware," Sarah said as she stood up and, putting her helmet on her head, began to walk away as Palmer knocked on the door. After a moment or so, it opened a crack, and Dodie peeked out of the room and up at her sister.

"Are you alone?" she asked.

"I don't think I was follow, but you never know with spies these days," Palmer said, making Dodie chuckle as she opened the door further and allowed Palmer into the room. Once inside, Dodie locked the door once more and sat down on the little chair as Palmer stood in front of her. Palmer cleared her throat, folded her arms and asked, "So what's going on?"

"...he said he'd be here," Dodie whispered.

"What?"

"...dad said he'd be here for this, and he isn't," Dodie said.

"oh."

"yeah. oh."

Palmer got on her knees and put her hands on her sisters legs.

"Hey, dad said he'd do a lot of things for me and he never did," Palmer said, "but the difference is he chose not to do those. This he didn't have a choice about. He literally physically cannot be here because he isn't here anymore. If he were, he would be here, you know that and I know that."

"...but he's not here, still," Dodie said, tears rolling down her face, "and I shouldn't be sad, I should be used to it by now and-"

"Why the hell should you be used to it by now? Dodie, he's only been gone for a few weeks," Palmer said, surprised at her sister, "for god sakes, you should never get used to a parents death. Who said you should be used to it?"

"Nobody. I just don't want people to keep worrying about me," Dodie said, "Everyone seems to think I'm in need of help all the time but I'm not. I'm not in danger. I just miss dad."

Palmer leaned in and pulled her sister into a hug. She squeezed tightly, firmly, lovingly. Dodie hugged her back. After a few minutes, they pulled away and Palmer wiped Dodie's face off with her sweater sleeve.

"You know what? Dad's not here, but I am. Mom is. That girl outside the door seems to be your friend, and we all came to watch you ride," Palmer said, "Because you're good at it, not because it's expected of us to be here, but because we believe in your skills. Dad never once told me he believed in anything I did, so I'm telling you right here and right now that I believe in you."

Dodie smiled and nodded.

"Now let's go ride some horses," Palmer said, taking her sister by the hand and helping her leave the room.

                                                                             ***

"These are awesome," Palmer said the following day, as she helped Sarah unload the horse toys from the back of her car.

"Well, they should be, they were expensive when they were new," Sarah said, "Um..."

The girls stopped on the lawn and put the boxes down. Sarah looked anxious. She fiddled with her chocolate brown braid, twirling it between her fingers and chewing on her lip.

"I'm sorry about last night," Sarah said, "I...I try to be there for her, but sometimes I'm not enough. Sometimes she needs her family, and it seems like you're a pretty good sister because you manage to help her when she needs it most."

"I like to think I'm pretty good, yeah," Palmer said, stuffing her hands in her coat pockets as they started to walk down the street a ways.

"I don't have any siblings, so, like, I guess I don't have that instinctual sisterly nature about me, but I like to think that I'm empathetic enough about people that I wanna help them, even if I don't know them, because I don't think you should have to be related to someone or even be aware of who they are to wanna help them," Sarah said, "and I know that sounds pretty damn naive but, like...I guess I'm just still young enough to foolishly believe in the kindhearted benevolence of people."

Palmer nodded, thinking to herself as they walked, the fallen leaves crunching underfoot.

"Can I ask you a question? And it may come off as weird considering we have barely spoken, but...would you wanna go somewhere with me sometime? Have, like...I don't know...dinner, or something?" Sarah asked, making Palmer stop in her tracks.

"...uh...like a date?"

"I...I guess."

"I'm not...I'm not into girls," Palmer said.

"Oh," Sarah replied, blushing and looking back down at her feet, "oh god I'm embarrassed, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make things awkward."

"No I appreciate it, believe me, it's flattering," Palmer said, making Sarah blush again as Palmer waited a moment and then said, "I mean...I guess I don't know for sure, since I've never tried it, but, like...shouldn't that knowledge be innate?"

"Not necessarily," Sarah said, "but forget I asked, I'm sorry. I should get going."

Sarah turned and walked briskly back to her car, just as Palmer caught up behind her, grabbing her wrist and, uncapping a pen between her teeth, wrote her dorm phone number on it. Sarah looked at the number and then at Palmer, who shrugged.

"College is all about new experiences, right?" she asked, "I should be more open minded."

Sarah almost wanted to die from embarrassment, but instead she stuttered, then got into her car and drove away, leaving Palmer to pick up the boxes of horse toys and carry them into the house. From the upstairs bedroom window, unaware to Palmer, her mother was on the phone.

"My daughter just gave her phone number to my other daughters horse trainer," she said, sipping wine, "...anyway, can I see you tonight? She's here to babysit overnight, so I could sneak away for a bit."

"That sounds good," Adam said on the other end of the line, "Meet me outside the store, we'll do something fun."

Palmer hoisted the boxes up the stairs all by herself and then dragged them into Dodie's bedroom. Once inside, Dodie slid off her bed and onto the floor, where her sister collapsed to her knees, exhausted. Dodie tore open the box tops and started pulling the plastic horses out one by one.

"God...I am so out of shape despite being so young," Palmer said.

"Will you stay and play horses with me?" Dodie asked.

Palmer looked at her sister, and realized she could do for her what their father couldn't. She could be there right now, invested in her interest.

"Sure, but I get to be the paint," Palmer said.