Palmer couldn't stop staring at herself in the bathroom mirror.

She looked the same, and yet she didn't feel the same. She sighed, brushed her bangs from her eyes and exited the bathroom, only to find Arthur and Anita sitting at the table in the living room of the dorm, eating from a plate of bacon and hashbrowns together, jokingly arguing.

"It's just weird, right? I mean, we have elongated potatoes in their natural form, then stick potatoes in the form of french fries, then flat potatoes in the form of hashbrowns, but why're there no outright round potatoes? And don't say tater tots 'cause those ain't round," Anita said.

Palmer tried to ignore the conversation and headed to the fridge, yanking it open and peering inside. She'd been unable to concentrate on anything for the past week and felt awful. Classes had been rough, and even her sleep had been poor. Ever since that night with that boy from the student mixer, Palmer just hadn't felt good. She finally pulled a blackberry flavored soda from the fridge, popped the top and started drinking.

"Palmer, are tater tots round?" Anita asked, her and Arthur both looking at her now.

"...I think I need to see my mom," she said quietly.

                                                                         ***

Dodie and Nona stared at the volcano on the kitchen table, afraid to start the chain reaction. Regina stepped backward and, hands on her hips, nodded at her handiwork. It'd been a while since she'd made a baking soda volcano, but she still had it, gosh darn it. Standing there, helping her daughter and her daughters best (and seemingly only) friend do their science project, Regina felt a sense of accomplishment that she hadn't felt in ages. And then the front door opened. Palmer walked inside and flopped down on the couch, whining loudly until Regina came around.

"How are you sweetheart?" she asked, "You didn't even call to say you were coming."

"Mom, everything sucks," Palmer said loudly, making the girls in the kitchen giggle, which, in turn, made her smile a little.

"Everything okay?" Regina asked, sitting down on the couch as Palmer looked over behind them at the girls, and then lowered her voice, leaning closer to her mother.

"Can we talk somewhere?" she whispered, and Regina nodded.

The two stood up and headed into Regina's bedroom, leaving Dodie and Nona to admire the volcano by themselves. As they entered the bedroom, Regina shut the door and turned, watching as Palmer sat on the corner of the bed and slowly pulled her beanie off, letting her long blonde hair fall down to her sides, the sun from the window outside shining through it brightly.

"um," Palmer began, "...god, this is awkward. So, last weekend I went to a mixer with my friends, and...and I just...oh boy. So I went to this mixer, my friend Anita basically pressured me into it, which, I mean, I'm thankful for her for pushing me out of my comfort zone but I also hate her right now for it, because when I was there I met this boy and I..."

Regina leaned against the dresser and just listened. Palmer sighed and pushed her bangs from her eyes again. She needed a haircut. Maybe she'd ask her mom to cut her hair before she went back to the college. She hadn't had a haircut from her mom in ages, it seemed like. She missed that.

"So uh, we hung out and played card games and just talked, and then after a bit, we..." she started again before trailing off once more and Regina smiled, sitting down on the bed beside her daughter.

"I get it, you don't have to finish, I know what the end is. A story as old as college itself," Regina said, "You don't have to explain the rest."

"I have two problems," Palmer said, and Regina's face changed.

"...you're not pregnant are you?"

"God no!"

"Oh thank the lord," Regina said, clasping her hand to her chest and adding, "I mean, I'd support you even if you were, but that is just not something we need right now on top of everything else. Your father's death has been more than enough for the year. So, what's wrong then?"

Palmer stood up and started pacing, playing with her own fingers as she walked.

"I don't know how to explain this," she said, "he...he didn't stay, and by morning when I woke up he was gone. He didn't leave a note. He didn't give me his last name. He never gave me a phone number. He was just...gone. It dawned on me that every man I've dared to get close to, be it dad or this guy, have left me this year and...why do they keep leaving?"

Regina now could see how upset Palmer actually was. She was struggling not to cry as she leaned against the wall and wiped at her eyes with her sweater sleeve.

"why does everyone keep leaving me?" she whispered.

"Sweetheart," Regina said, patting the spot Palmer had been sitting, making Palmer come and seat herself once more as Regina hugged her daughter and said, "It isn't you. Your father didn't die on purpose, and this boy, I mean, maybe something came up, maybe he'll come back around, who knows. All I know is that none of it is your fault."

"How can you sit there and tell me none of it is my fault when dad never liked me much and this guy apparently didn't like me enough to stick around through the night?" Palmer asked, "Apparently I'm doing something wrong if that many people regularly dislike me."

"I assure you, it's not you," Regina said, "your father didn't really like me much either as the years went on. We...we were always friends, but the romance went away pretty quickly once you girls were born. He was a...a weird man, Palmer. And as for this boy, well, it's his loss."

"You have to say that, you're my mom."

"Oh, I assure you I don't have to say anything that would bolster your self esteem just because I'm your mom. Believe me. My mom taught me that much," Regina said, making Palmer chuckle. It was true. Grandma had always been especially bitter towards Regina, and Palmer knew it all too well; after a moment of rubbing her back, Regina asked, "So what's the second problem?"

"Hmmm?"

"You said you have two problems, what's the second problem?" Regina asked, and Palmer bit her lip.

"oh, right," she muttered, "uh...well, I guess that would be the fact that it felt...wrong."

"Wrong how? I mean, the first time is rarely the best, but-"

"Because it..." Palmer started, then stopped.

"What? What is it? You can tell me," Regina said.

But how could she? She knew her mother was open minded. She knew she wouldn't hate her for it. But how could she tell her mother that it felt wrong because it was with a man?

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Dodie and Nona were still sitting at the kitchen table, looking over all the little details Regina had put into the baking soda volcano. She'd even gone out and bought tiny little model palm trees and put them around the mountain range, to make it appear more scenic, and she'd gone and collected little rocks outside for more detailing. Dodie sighed and sat back in her seat.

"It feels like everything is almost always covered in lava," she said, "that threat is scary. Things are gonna overflow and kill everything in front of them."

"You mean like with family?" Nona asked, and Dodie nodded, resting her chin on the table.

"Like, my dad dying was the explosion, and since then, everything has just gotten worse and covered in lava," Dodie said.

Nona sighed and looked at her friend. She wanted to say something, but was unsure of just what that something was. Instead she stayed quiet and just looked back from Dodie to the volcano. It was a weird analogy, but not a bad one. Back in the bedroom, Regina was still sitting on the bed as Palmer cried, her head resting on her mothers shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," she cried, "I don't know what to do, I don't even know who I am anymore. Dad dying has destroyed my identity because it made me realize I never had one to begin with and now I'm so old I don't know how to make one. I hope I'm not just making this up, grasping at something to make something for myself."

"Honey, if you're gay you're gay," Regina said, "and that's perfectly fine, I don't care. What I do care about, however, is how upset you are. You need to do something to calm down, ease yourself into this. It's a big moment, accepting a part of yourself, but you-"

Suddenly Palmer stood up in a shot and rushed out of the room, leaving Regina confused. As she raced out the front door, Dodie and Nona noticed, but just shrugged as she disappeared out of sight. A moment later Regina stumbled into the kitchen and, hands on her hips, sighed before looking at the girls at the table and, smiling, went back to helping them.

                                                                           ***

Sarah was standing in the stall of her palamino, brushing him down before setting the brush down and picking up a small hose with a squeeze nozzle on the end. She then started spraying the ground, while the horse ate hay from the nearby hanging metal trough. Sarah had headphones on, and didn't hear the doors open, or hear the footsteps approaching on. It wasn't until a hand was on her shoulder, turning her around to face her, that she finally screamed a little and yanked her headphones down.

"Good god mayor of buttstown, don't do that!" she said loudly, making Palmer chuckle a little.

"Sorry, I guess you couldn't hear me," she said.

"What are you even doing here and how'd you know I'd be here?" Sarah asked, brushing errant strays of her walnut brown hair out of her face.

"I had a bad weekend," Palmer said, "Last weekend I made a mistake, or maybe it wasn't a mistake, I don't know yet, and now I'm freaking out and you were the person I had to talk to because you're the only way I'll know and I'm really sorry about both this being a run on sentence and also that I need to kiss you."

Sarah's eyes widened and she laughed, completely taken aback by this sudden admission. The more Palmer looked at her face, the more she realized she liked what she saw. Sarah had a very young looking face, and slightly buck teeth. She had dark walnut colored hair that was in a ponytail and hazel eyes. After a minute of laughing, she finally regained her composure and cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry, I just...that's the most forward anyone's ever been with me," she said, "But, sure, if you need to test this out, may as well be me I suppose."

Palmer nodded, then put one hand on Sarah's shoulder and the other on her hip and looked in her eyes. She'd never once questioned herself. She'd always assumed she'd liked boys, and perhaps she still could. She certainly liked Eric but didn't like the sex. The sun was beginning to set and dim rays of light broke through the cracks of the weathered barn, splashing across Sarah's face. Palmer shut her eyes and leaned forward, pressing her lips against Sarah's, kissing her hard. Sarah kissed her back, she couldn't help it. After a few minutes of kissing heavily, Palmer stumbled, pushing Sarah against the barn wall and kissing down her neck, making her breath heavily.

"Whoa whoa, wait, just," Sarah said, giggling, "This is all very, uh, welcome and hot, but...uh..."

"I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing," Palmer said, stuttering, "oh god I'm so bad at romance and stuff, I never...I've barely kissed anyone in my whole life."

"Really? Cause I thought you did pretty well," Sarah said, "I just...I actually like you, and I wanna help you but I...I can't let myself get involved with yet another straight girl using me to experiment on. I hope that makes sense. So if you're sincere, if...if you're interested in doing this and...and it makes sense to you, then I'll gladly help, but if you just are gonna hurt me, then..."

Sarah glanced at the ground and sighed.

"I've been through it too many times," she whispered.

"I would never hurt you," Palmer said quietly, pushing some of Sarah's hair behind her ear, making Sarah blush as she added, "I'm sorry, I can't believe other girls have done that, that isn't okay. All I know is that before you asked me, I was certain of my status, and once I lost my virginity, all I could think about was what you asked, and...and if all I can think about after fucking a boy is how much I would've maybe preferred fucking a girl, then there's a pretty good chance I'm gay."

"Definitely true," Sarah said, laughing, which made Palmer laugh, finally easing some of her tension. A moment passed, and Sarah fluttered her eyes a bit and looked back up at Palmer, then said softly, "You can keep kissing me now if you want."

And she didn't hesitate to take that offer.

                                                                          ***

Dodie and Nona stood in front of the classroom the following Monday morning, Dodie reading off the cards while Nona poured the baking soda into the open volcanic hole at the top, making everything spew outwards, rolling down the mountain, exciting everyone in class. It felt like a success, but it also felt like what life had become. Everything was breaking down, and there was nothing Dodie could do to stop it but run for cover.

Meanwhile, on the same Monday morning, Palmer woke up to her landline off the hook, sitting on the bed. As she reached for the receiver and put it to her face, she was happy to hear Sarah's voice. They'd talked all night, and had fallen asleep together on the phone. This was far more comfortable than anything Palmer had done with Eric, and she was grateful for that.

As Palmer got ready for her classes, she found Anita and Arthur siting, once more, at the table eating bacon and hashbrowns, once more arguing jokingly. Palmer poured herself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter, listening until Anita finally looked at her.

"Tell Arthur that he's wrong and that Pork doesn't come in every shape and size," she said, "It doesn't come in a triangle shape!"

"Because who the hell would make triangular pork? That's actually a great name for a band though," he then whispered to himself.

"What's with you?" Anita asked Palmer, who just shrugged, sipping her coffee.

"Nothing," she said, "I'm just having a great morning."