Maddie had never seen an ambulance up close before.

But that day, the day of her party...well, needless to say she'd never expected the first time she'd see one up close would be at her own birthday party. She watched as they wheeled the boy out through the backyard gate and into the ambulance, and then watched as they sped away, sirens blaring. That night, her parents doted on her more than usual, making sure she was actually okay, and while she appreciated it, she also secretly wished their involvement in her personal well being hadn't had to come at such a heavy price.

And now there was an ambulance outside her house again, less than just a few months after the first time.

                                                                          ***

"I haven't slept in 24 hours," Lillian said, rubbing her eyes as she sat in the front seat of Tyler's car while he drove, Alexis in the backseat; Lillian added, "I swear, this has been the most emotionally exhausting year of my life."

"And it hasn't even been a full year," Tyler replied.

"I don't wanna give up my character," Alexis muttered from the backseat, her arms folded like a ten year old having a temper tantrum, "I put a lot of time and effort into figuring out this character, who they are, what their personality is...I created them. They're not a template, they're a full fledged person with a history and a future."

"I know how you feel," Lillian said, "My character is far more than just a dress and a crown. More than just an idea. She's a part of who I am. The last thing I wanna do is give up a part of myself...not again."

As they pulled up to a red light, the car coming to a crawl right beside Rina's, Lillian rolled down her window and motion for her to do the same, which she did. Lillian then leaned out the window a bit, as did Rina.

"I need you to tell me something right now, before we even get there...is Maddie herself okay or am I walking into something that's going to decimate me?" Lillian asked, "I need to know so I can decide whether or not to extend my therapy sessions indefinitely."

"All I know is Maddie called me, she was crying, and she said an ambulance was at her house," Rina said, "She wouldn't say any more than that, and then she hung up. I just knew I couldn't face whatever it was alone. She needs the full support of her friends, not just her babysitter."

Lillian nodded, understanding. The light turned green and each car began to roll ahead once again. Lillian rolled her window back up and leaned back into her chair, chewing on her thumbnail. She started to think about her mother, and the support she had doing pageants, until she no longer wanted to. Then her mother began to question her decisions, even berate her at times for a while, but eventually she came around and let Lillian back out of the spotlight. But Lillian knew how much that screwed her up, and she knew Maddie didn't deserve that. She wanted to be there for her. She wanted to be the mom she didn't have.

This revelation made Lillian smile.

                                                                          ***

When the gang finally arrived at the house, only Maddie was still there. Her mother had called Rina to babysit right after Maddie had called her, saying it was an emergency, and that was when Rina decided to go get the rest of them. Rina opened the front door, and the four of them walked inside, but Maddie was nowhere to be found.

"Nice digs," Tyler said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"I grew up in a shack compared to this," Alexis said.

Lillian immediately headed down the hall, leaving Rina to read the little letter Maddie's mother had left for her. She reached Maddie's room, but she wasn't in there. Then she heard something shifting from a nearby room, and as she pushed the door to the laundry room open gently with her fingertips, she saw a cardboard box made up to look like a spaceship. Lillian smiled, entered the room, and quietly shut the door behind her. She got onto her knees and knocked on the front of the cardboard box until the flaps opened suddenly, revealing Maddie, wearing what looked like a mock space helmet.

"...you're here?" she asked.

"Rina came to-"

Maddie threw her arms around Lillian and squeezed.

"It's okay, you're okay now," Lillian replied, gently hugging the small girl, "it's okay Maddie, I'm here, we're all here. Do you wanna tell me what happened?"

"...my dad...fell over," Maddie said, her voice cracked and wavy, "I don't know what happened. He and my mom were arguing and then he just...he just collapsed onto the table and then onto the floor. I don't understand, but I'm scared."

"I understand," Lillian said, "I like your box."

"It's a spaceship," Maddie said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "A lot of times, when I'm scared, I go inside and I pretend I'm flying away into outer space, and that I'm an astronaut in search of a better world. I did all the drawing on it myself."

"It looks great," Lillian said, "You know...when I was your age, after I stopped doing beauty pageants, I used to hide in my closet and pretend it was a dungeon. I was a princess locked away for crimes against the queen. Big surprise that I wound up playing a princess later in life, isn't it?"

Both girls sat in silence, neither one even barely breathing, until Maddie finally mumbled.

"I can't live with them anymore," she said softly, "...they're not bad people, but they are bad parents."

Lillian's heart broke a little more by hearing that, probably because she herself completely understood the sentiment.

                                                                           ***

Vera was sitting at her desk when her door flung open and Lillian stormed inside, Alexis right behind her, looking afraid. Vera looked up, put her pen down and sighed.

"I figured you'd turn up sooner or later," she said.

"How could you let this happen?" Lillian asked, "We trusted you to protect us, and now-"

"You think I'm happy about this? I did everything I could to push against it, but in the end my opinion doesn't mean shit compared to a company bleeding money. We're products, plain and simple, and what does a company do when faced with potential bankruptcy? They liquidate their assets, IE, us."

"I'm not exactly against being under new management," Lillian said.

"I am," Alexis said, raising her hand, "She...she doesn't speak for me."

"But I AM against the idea of having our characters taken from us," Lillian finished, "We are not just people in costumes. These characters represent facets of our personality and they can't just take them away. They're our characters, not theirs."

"They're not even characters, Lil! They're templates! You're a template!" Vera said, standing up now, "I know it sucks, I know, and believe me, I am still fighting tooth and nail to maybe undo some of the damage done here, but in the end I only have so much power!"

"...but you didn't," Alexis said quietly, catching Vera's attention now, as she continued, "I mean, you might say you did, and you might have done a little complaining, but look at the difference. You work for them, plain and simple. You're their employee, so you have to do whatever they say, even if you disagree or have complaints. In the end, you're not one of us, you're one of them, so you wouldn't know how much it hurts to have something so close to you ripped away from you...something you spent so much time on, something that means so much to you. Because you're not portraying an employee, you actually are an employee, and that's the irony...we're the ones playing pretend and yet we're far less fake than you'll ever be."

Alex turned and stomped out of the room, leaving Lillian behind. Lillian sighed, rubbed her face and looked at Vera.

"Don't...don't pay any mind to her," she said, "I'll talk to her. Just as she said, her views don't represent me. But if this is going to happen, I think we're going to leave and...and maybe start our own company. Retain our characters, maybe even broaden the scope of our job. Come with us, Vera. We could use your financial expertise."

Vera smirked and folded her arms, looking at her shoes.

"I'll think about it. That's a pretty gutsy move for a group of people with unstable lives, I admit," Vera said, "Be kinda fun to be along for that ride."

"Well, I never said we were great at making decisions," Lillian said, the both of them chuckling.

After a few minutes, when Lillian exited the room, she found Alexis was no longer nearby. She sighed, headed to the parking lot and drove home. Meanwhile, Alexis had also made her way back home. She shut off all her lights when she got inside, locked the door and sat down on her couch. She pulled a small box out from under her coffee table and she opened it, pulling out her coke and plopping the small baggie on the table. She leaned back into her couch and looked up at the ceiling, wanting to cry.

After a few minutes, she exhaled, leaned forward and started making lines when there was suddenly a knock at her door. She groaned, stood up, pulled a magazine over the stuff on her table and headed to answer the door. As she pulled it open, she was surprised to find Lillian there.

"Why did you vanish?" Lillian asked.

"Cause, why not, nothing matters, nothing's going to change," Alex muttered.

"That's where you're wrong," Lillian said, "...how would you like to be co-owner of a business venture?"

Alexis was intrigued, to say the least.

                     5 MONTHS LATER

Lillian pulled up to the parking lot and slowly put her car into her spot, sighing. She looked over at the passenger seat, where Maddie was seated. She'd picked her up from school, since she'd been spending a lot of time alone lately.

"You just gonna do your homework while we have this meeting?" Lillian asked, and Maddie nodded.

"I might need some help," she said.

"Tyler should be here, he'll be able to help you," Lillian said, just as someone else pulled into the parking lot right beside her, rock music blaring from the speakers. Lillian smiled, knowing it was Alex. Alexis turned her car off, got out and knocked on the window, which Lillian happily rolled down and asked, "Wow, you've never been on time before, this is a nice change of pace."

"What can I say, it's easier to care about something when you have an actual personal stake in it," Alex said, before cocking her head, smiling and wiggling her fingers, saying, "Hi Maddie."

"Hi Alexis!"

"Tyler's already here," Lillian said, "I saw his car, so."

"Cool," Alexis said.

Lillian and Maddie got out of the car and headed through the parking lot, towards the building, just as a scooter pulled into the lot nearby and Rina parked. She climbed off, pulled her helmet off and shook her hair out before racing over to join them. The four girls continued walking towards the building together now.

"This is so surreal," Alexis said.

"It really is," Lillian said, "But it feels right."

The door opened and Vera leaned out of the door.

"Hurry up!" she shouted, "We need to get started!"

As they all rushed inside, Vera stopped Maddie and knelt down to be eye level with her.

"Lillian's got a surprise for you, you wanna see it?" she asked, and Maddie nodded eagerly.

Maddie took Lillian's hand and the two walked down the hallway. Lillian had been worried that it wouldn't come out well, or that she wouldn't like it, but now that the moment was here, she was just excited to see Maddie's reaction. As they reached a door, Lillian pulled it open and saw Maddie jump up and down, screaming as she raced inside the room. Inside was a plastic playset, designed to look like a rocket ship. Maddie rushed right up to it and started looking at it from every angle.

"This is so cool!" she shouted.

"I figured you'd like it," Lillian said, "I had it built specifically for you, so you'd have somewhere comforting to go to when things get bad or you just don't wanna be at home."

"You did this for me? It's all mine?" Maddie asked, turning to Lillian, her eyes wide.

"It's all for you. When we were designing the offices, I requested this be done. There was an extra room, and we already had the party room planned out, so we didn't know what to do with the space and we didn't want it to just be storage. I came up with the idea because I remembered your box at home."

Maddie hugged Lillian around the waist tightly, and Lillian stroked her hair.

"Thank you," Maddie whispered.

"Everyone deserves a place of their own," Lillian said, "So you're welcome. Now go sit in it and do your homework. I'll be in the meeting if you need anything."

Lillian exited the room while Maddie settled into her rocket ship cockpit. Lillian leaned against the wall and sighed, shutting her eyes, only opening them when she heard someone walking up to her, and she opened her eyes to see Josh walking up to her. Their hair had grown even longer, and their nails were painted. They were wearing jeans and a feminine button down shirt. Lillian smiled upon seeing them.

"I'm glad you're here," she said.

"I'm glad I was able to come," Josh said, "I had work, so."

"We're about to start the meeting," Lillian said, and she took their hand and led them down the hall to the meeting room.

The group had come together to pool their wages, their savings, and a small loan, in order to sublet this small building and start their own company, just as Lillian had suggested. Lillian, Vera, Tyler and Alexis were all co-owners, and they each got to remain the characters they had always had. Meanwhile, Maddie was in her cockpit of her spaceship, getting her homework ready on her lap. She looked at all the realistic instruments on the panel and all the blinking lights. She shut the door to the ship, and when she did, she noticed projections began on the window that mimicked flying through space. Maddie grinned widely, and she pulled her space helmet out of her backpack, putting it over her head.

The vastness of space, a universe full of potential, was ahead of her.

And she couldn't wait to see where it led.

"You know, I'm starting to think I'm cursed," Lillian said, making Greg furrow his brow, cross his legs and tap his pen on his clipboard.

"How so?" he asked.

"I'm surrounded by death," she continued, "Ever since getting involved with this kid, death seems to have followed me. There was the kid at her party, then the kid from our neighborhood on Halloween, and now this guy I visited in the hospital."

"But he didn't die," Greg said, "right? I mean, wouldn't that mean you aren't cursed?"

"One outlier doesn't disprove a hypothesis," Lillian said.

"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what an outlier does," Greg said, smirking, "But please, continue."

"Well, we were eating at the diner we usually meet in when I was given the assignment," Lillian said.

                                                                           ***

"You want me to visit a hospital?" Lillian asked.

"Why don't I ever get to do any cool events? Why don't I ever get to go to like...like a wake, or something?" Alex asked as she scooped eggs into her mouth, making Tyler laugh. Vera smiled and folded her arms on the tabletop.

"Do you wanna go to a wake? Because I can arrange that," Vera said.

"Why am I going to a hospital? Oh jesus, it's not the childrens ward, is it?" Lillian asked.

"No, it's not. It's a personal request," Vera said, "From a young man in college. He was hit crossing the road earlier this week near the campus and he's been feeling down ever since. He specifically asked for a princess to come and lift his spirits."

"Oh, well...that doesn't sound too bad actually," Lillian said.

"How come we only do birthday parties? How come we never do anything else? There's other kinds of parties and events you know," Alex said, "How come we're only ever asked to do birthdays?"

"Because most adult parties don't require costumed assistance or entertainment," Vera said.

"I'll have you know most of the adult parties I've been to have relied heavily on costuming," Alexis said, as everyone looked at her; she finished chewing her eggs, swallowed and then quietly added, "and I won't say another word about that."

After breakfast, Lillian headed over to the hospital. It was a fairly nice hospital on the upperclass side of town. She entered, followed the directions to the room number she was given by Vera and then, after exhaling deeply and preparing herself, knocked on the door. A voice told her to come in, and she put her hand on the knob, twisted it open and walked inside.

                                                                          ***

"I didn't know, when I entered the room, that I was going to be walking into something so..." Lillian paused, choosing her words carefully.

"Upsetting?" Greg asked, as she shook her head.

"No, uplifting," Lillian replied, "Uplifting is the word. It was a really heartwarming experience. After being followed by death and sadness for months, this felt like a much needed change of pace. This person was...so great, and I'm so happy Vera gave me the assignment. For once, a man asked me to keep my crown on, and it wasn't for a creepy reason."

Greg smiled, nodding, writing something down.

"Please, go on," he said.

                                                                            ***

"Hello?" Lillian asked as she entered cautiously, spotting a young man with long brunette hair lying in the bed, their legs wrapped in casts. They smiled upon seeing Lillian.

"Hi!" they said, "Please, have a seat!"

"Thank you," Lillian said, seating herself in the chair beside the bed, "So, how're things?"

"Not too great as you can see," the man replied, "but better now, I guess, since I have some company."

"Your parents haven't come to see you, or?"

"Oh no, they've been here regularly," he said, "But they have to work during the day, and so I just...I didn't like spending all my time here alone. I like your dress. It's very sparkly."

"It is indeed very sparkly, isn't it?" Lillian said, tugging gently at her waist and smiling, "I had it custom made. The company said I could do whatever I wanted, costume wise, so I hired someone to design something and this is what they came up with. I love it."

"It's so pretty," the man said, sighing, "Everything about princesses is pretty. I begged my mom to let me be a princess for Halloween one year, and she relented much to my surprise. After seeing how happy it made me, she never questioned me again, which was nice. Even then, that was just a shoddy little store bought costume, not something spectacular like this."

"It's nice your parents are so understanding," Lillian said, smiling at him warmly, "My mom and I have...issues. We're slowly working on them, but it's difficult."

"My father has taken some time to come around, but...I guess he's pretty on board with who I am and what I like at this point. He used to seem ashamed. Now he just seems happy that I'm happy and sometimes I think that's really all you can hope for out of a parent. Mild acceptance and somewhat conditional love. My name's Josh, by the way."

Josh held his hand out and Lillian happily shook it.

"Lillian," she replied, "So how bad is the damage?"

"Eh, they say I'll be alright, which is good cause I'm a professional swimmer," Josh said, "I kinda need my legs to make a living."

"Having nearly been a model on the catwalk, I kinda know what you mean," Lillian said, making Josh chuckle.

"Can I see your crown?" he asked, and Lillian happily removed it from her head and handed it to him. He carefully took it and turned it over in his hands, admiring it from all angles; his eyes watered, and he said, "...it's so hard to know yourself as a child. To know who you are instead of slowly figuring it out. You'd think it'd be easier, but it isn't. It wasn't."

"It really wasn't, you're not wrong," Lillian replied, shifting in her chair, adding, "I didn't know myself super well, but-"

"No, no, I don't mean, well I'm sorry, I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying, I'm sure you're right too, but I didn't really mean it in the sense of knowing who you are, but knowing who you're supposed to be. But...but nobody sees you the way you see you, you know? When you looked in the mirror, did you see a princess?"

"I...I saw a scared little girl who didn't know how to ask for help," Lillian said.

"Yeah," Josh said, whispering, almost crying, "...me too."

                                                                          ***

"Sounds like a rather emotional situation to be thrust into," Greg said, "How did you handle that?"

"I just let them talk," Lillian said, "It seemed like they wanted to talk to someone more than have a proper conversation, so I just let them do that. It was...enlightening to say the least. And really, after the party Tyler and I did together earlier this year, my mind was a lot more open to the idea of gender non conforming folk, so talking to Josh was a really easy experience. Not that I was ever closed minded about it or anything, I just...I have never really known any personally."

"Understandable," Greg replied, leaning forward, "Lillian, can I ask you a question?"

"I mean, isn't that what the whole basis of being a therapist is?" Lillian asked, making him chuckle.

"I suppose," he said before clearing his throat, "Tell me something though...do you understand where they're coming from?"

"I sort of do. I mean, being forced into beauty pageants make you somewhat, or at least it made me, somewhat unnerved by femininity. Which sucks, because I actually love being feminine. But femininity is so capitalized, so industrialized, used in such a negative way and viewed in such a negative light that it makes it hard for me to find pride in it. This is why I prefer not to wear dresses outside of my costume, generally. So yeah, I like to think that I'm somewhat understanding of these peoples feelings regarding gender."

"That's fair," Greg said, "Please, go on."

"Well, as I said, I gave them the crown..."

                                                                           ***

"Looking in the mirror has always been painful," Josh said, "Seeing someone I didn't recognize, seeing someone who didn't look how I looked in my head. Seeing someone everyone other than me saw. That's why I like costumes, because you get to be someone other than yourself."

"I feel it," Lillian said, leaning back in her chair and nodding, "I hate being myself."

"I don't hate being myself, I hate being the version of me others thought there was," Josh said, "I actually love being myself. But even when you've got approval, it makes it awkward. I so badly want to be myself and I know my parents would let me, and it's not like they have any say cause I'm legally an adult now, but...we're so conditioned by society not to question our elders, and to respect our parents, that I don't wanna do anything that might make them uncomfortable. But how is that fair? Cause by living this way, I'm uncomfortable."

Josh sighed and looked at the emerald in the crown tip, rubbing their thumb over it and smiling.

"...I guess I never thought about the fact that I just took my femininity for granted. Something that seems to necessary to others seemed so ordinary to me. I feel kinda bad about that," Lillian said softly.

"Oh, please, don't feel bad! I'm sorry! I didn't wanna make you sad! I just...I'm jealous. That's all. I'm jealous and I wanted a princess to come and cheer me up because that's what princesses do, right? They make everything better. They spread joy and cheer. They bring happiness to the world."

"I suppose," Lillian said, "I'm not very good at that though."

"Well, you're making me feel better, so I'll be the judge of your skills," Josh said, making her laugh; he handed her the crown and said, "Maybe someday I'll be brave like a princess, but until that day comes, I suppose just knowing one will have to do."

Lillian took her crown and quickly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve when Josh wasn't looking.

***

"Sorry to interrupt, but...if you're so sketch about femininity, may I ask why you picked a princess? The most girly character there is?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry if this is sort of out of line, I'm just...I'm a little curious behind the decision."

"I told you it has to do with the accident at Disneyland," Lillian said, "Remember?"

"That can't be the whole reason though," Greg said, "I mean surely you must-"

"Little girls are called princesses, we're entered in beauty pageants, wrapped in the color pink when we're born. Femininity is literally all encompassing. From the moment you're brought into this world, if you're a girl, you're valued by nothing other than your looks. Sure, not by your parents exactly, but by mostly everyone. And okay, maybe that's finally starting to change, but..."

Lillian exhaled and pulled her hair back into a big ponytail before talking again.

"...but maybe I wanted to prove that not every princess has to be happy. Think about what a princess has to go through, has to endure. The weight of an entire kingdom resting on her shoulders once she inherits the throne? That's a lot of pressure to put on a little girl! Everyone's looking to you for guidance! And little girls are expected to grow up quickly enough as it is, so...so I guess I just wanted other little girls to see that, hey, sometimes being a princess AND being sad is okay."

"Hmmm, that's...oddly heroic of you," Greg said, "And I suppose you're right. Little girls are always told to be happy and smiling, which is why so many never get their depression rightfully diagnosed, because they become so good at masking. At pretending to be something they're not."

"We're all pretending to be something we're not, is what I'm slowly learning," Lillian said, "but in Josh's case, the thing they're pretending to be is something they don't want to be."

                                                                            ***

"Maybe this was a sign," Josh said, sighing, shrugging.

"Yeah, a sign to watch for traffic signals," Lillian replied, making them laugh.

"No, you know what I mean. A sign to, you know, be more careful about life in general. Stop being so short sighted and instead embrace the difference instead of fearing it," Josh said, "Who cares if my parents don't fully approve, you know? I can't reach the end of my life being someone I'm not. You don't get a second shot. I have to do the things I need to do now, while I have the chance."

Lillian nodded and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and nodding.

"I know what you mean," she said, "Recently I've befriended this little girl who had a kid die at her birthday party, and it's made reassess what's actually important to me. I like being there for others. I like helping. I'm sick of being so selfish all the time, and I'm sick of certain aspects of my personality. Change is good, not bad, and even if the change is bad, it's only bad momentarily. It all winds up good in the end, right?"

"I'd like to think so," Josh said, "Here, give me your hand."

Lillian raised an eyebrow, curious, but did as they asked and reached out. Josh grabbed a pen off a nearby table and jotted their name and number down on her hand.

"Give me a call sometime, because I'd really like to see you again, outside of such a weird situation. If, ya know, that's okay," they said.

"That's perfectly okay," Lillian responded, smiling warmly, "I'd...I'd really like that."

"Maybe you can take me to the ball when I get out of here."

Lillian laughed. It was the first time she'd genuinely laughed in weeks. Things had been so dark, so tense lately, that this was the only thing that had made her feel good about what she was doing with her life. Truth be told, she couldn't wait to see Josh again, and she found herself finally looking forward to something for a change.

But this wasn't was bothering her.

                                                                              ***

"So wait, you had a great time, met someone you really connected with, and it all went better than expected, so why'd you schedule an emergency appointment?" Greg asked, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused is all."

"Because that was just the start," Lillian said, "Vera gave me that assignment, and everyone else an assignment, to get us out of her hair that night so she could have a meeting with corporate. By the time I got home, any good from that day was erased by what I went home to."

Greg furrowed his brow, concerned, as Lillian finished telling him about her day.

                                                                               ***

Reaching her floor, Lillian stepped out of the elevator in her apartment building, and began heading down the hall towards her door. She looked down at her hand again and smiled. Josh even had feminine handwriting, and she found it rather cute. It wasn't until she looked back up to see Alexis and Tyler sitting outside her apartment that she began to feel something other than happiness.

"What are you guys doing here?" she asked as she approached, pulling her keys from her purse.

"We needed to see you immediately," Tyler said.

"Well let me get through the door first," Lillian said, opening the door to the apartment and letting them in, then following them in herself. She shut and locked the door behind her, then turned to see them standing facing her, both looking sullen; she scowled and asked, "...what's happened?"

"It's Vera," Alexis said, "She tried to fight it, but she couldn't. The company's being sold to a big conglomerate and we're just merchandise to be shuffled around under new management."

"...what?"

"Yeah, and they say we may not get to keep the characters we've been," Tyler said.

"WHAT?" Lillian asked, now feeling outraged just as someone knocked on her door; she groaned then went to answer it, saying, "Jesus, could things get any fucking worse..."

As she pulled the apartment door back open, she spotted Rina standing there.

"...what're you doing here?!" she asked Rina.

"...you need to come with me," she said, "Something's happened to Maddie."

"Thank god," Rina said, opening the front door to find Lillian standing there in jeans and a t-shirt from an old mini golf establishment.

"Don't thank god, thank me, I'm the one filling in," Lillian said, making Rina smile as she stepped aside, thusly allowing Lillian entrance into the home.

Rina went and grabbed her backpack from the couch, stuffed her coat inside of it and hurried around, making sure she didn't forget anything. Lillian stood back and watched, her arms folded as she leaned against the wall.

"Boy you're exhausting to watch," she finally said, making her laugh again.

"Listen, don't worry, her folks won't be back until super late and I'll be back in just a few hours. I just really need to study for this thing for my course," Rina said as she zipped her backpack up and pulled it on over her shoulders, Lillian helping her move her hair out of the way so it wasn't snagged by the straps; she continued, "Maddie is just coloring right now, but I've already got dinner on the way and I paid, so if you could just tip the delivery guy that'd be great. Otherwise just do whatever, help yourself to whatever and just have a good time. You have no idea how grateful I am of this last minute help."

"It's no problem. I don't have work this week, and I sure as hell never have any social obligations to speak of, so I had the time," Lillian said, patting Rina on the shoulder, adding, "you just get your studying done and get back here whenever. We'll be fine."

Rina thanked her again, gave her a quick hug and then rushed out the door. Lillian looked around the living room and exhaled deeply, blowing her bangs from her face. Wow. It'd been a long time since she'd babysat. After putting her own things down - she hadn't brought much, just a small backpack with a book for after Maddie fell asleep, a few snacks for herself and a little pill case with tums and other such low key medicine in case she felt sick at any point - Lillian went to the fridge and poured herself a glass or orange juice from the pitcher. She drank it, then headed down the hall towards Maddie's room, all the while looking at the photos hanging on the walls.

Suddenly what she'd said at the memorial made more sense, because Lillian began to notice that indeed Maddie had no photos of herself with her parents. There were photos of her, school portraits or birthday shots, and then photos of her parents, but none of the three together. This struck Lillian as a bit odd, to be that openly separated from your own child, but she ignored it and knocked on the bedroom door. After a moment of silence, she opened the door and looked inside, finding Maddie coloring on the floor, headphones over her ears. She smiled big and pulled her headphones off once she saw Lillian.

"Come in! I have lots of colored pencils!" Maddie said, and Lillian smiled, nodding, entering further and sitting down on the floor with her.

"What're you coloring?" she asked.

"It's a big book of dinosaurs. I got it at the history museum downtown during my last school fieldtrip!" she said excitedly.

"I haven't been to a museum in ages," Lillian said, "I should probably rectify that."

"That's a weird word, rectify," Maddie replied.

"So your parents went out?"

"They always go out on Friday nights," Maddie said, safely coloring in a Brontosaurus, adding, "I heard them say once that it was because their marriage counselor suggested it was a good thing to do, but I don't know why you'd need a counselor to have a good marriage. At school, we have a student counselor who helps kids with problems, but don't you stop having problems when you're an adult?"

"God if only," Lillian said, chuckling, "unfortunately problems only accumulate as you get older."

"It's nice to know there's so much to look forward to," Maddy said dryly.

"Marriage isn't easy for some people, for others it's a breeze, it just depends," Lillian said, "but you should be happy they're at least trying instead of just giving up like a lot of kids parents do. Lord knows my parents didn't try, but I'm the rare exception where it turned out their failure was for the betterment of my personhood."

"What do you mean?" Maddie asked, stopping coloring and looking up at her, now listening intently.

"I mean that...that because they acknowledged that what they had would never work, instead of trying to force it, they split up amicably and stayed friends, unlike other kids parents who forced themselves to stay together to the point where it became either unsafe or unhealthy for all involved parties. My folks recognized it was best for everyone, especially for me, to just stay apart and raise me their own ways."

Maddie sat upright, one hand wrapped around a colored pencil, the other tugging at her braid.

"...mom and dad try not to fight in front of me," she said quietly, "but they forget. They don't fight over me, really, they just fight in general about everything else. But they're so busy fighting that I'm forgotten about a lot."

"Well," Lillian said, "it's a good thing you have adult friends who think about you then, isn't it?"

Maddie smiled and nodded.

"Come on," Lillian said, "let's see if dinner has arrived."

                                                                            ***

"Honey, don't you wanna go in the backyard? The family's waiting out there to see you!" Lillian's mother said as she entered the kitchen, only to discover Lillian was no longer hiding out in the kitchen like she had been scant moments ago. Jane looked towards the hallway, seeing her ex husband, Al, coming out from the bathroom.

"What's going on? You talking to me?" he asked, zipping his fly up.

"No, I was...have you seen Lily? She was just in here a minute ago," Jane said, "Her aunts and uncles and cousins wanna see her, and it's almost time to blow out the candles on the cake."

"Well, keep looking, I'll take the cake out and get everything ready," Al said.

Little did they know, but Lillian was actually hiding out in the plastic play castle her father had bought and assembled for her a few years back, trying not to be found. She hated her birthday, and she hated this birthday in particular. She had no friends, and she felt awkward around her family. She hated getting older. Soon she'd be off to middle school, and that terrified her. Suddenly she felt the castle shift, and she scrambled to look through the little window only to see the clown her parents had hired standing in the side yard beside the castle, uncapping a beer.

"You knocked into my castle," she said coldly, surprising him as he turned to face her. He couldn't have been older than 22.

"Oh, sorry," he said, "I...I didn't mean to. Aren't you the birthday girl? What're you doing hiding in here?"

He got on his knees, pushed the little door open and crawled inside.

"Let me in," he said, "boy, it's kinda cozy in here actually. What's the matter, you don't wanna be at your own party?"

"I don't have any friends."

"You have Stinko!" the clown said, pointing at himself as he sipped his beer, "Stinko's your pal, least for today."

"Aren't you not supposed to drink while working?" Lillian asked, nearly scowling at him.

",,,I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me," he said, holding his hand out for a pinky promise, which she took after a moment of slight hesitation.

"Deal," she said.

"And besides, who needs friends, you know what friends get you? Problems. The more people you have in your life, the more things you'll have to deal with. If all you ever got is yourself, then the only issues you have to worry about are your own! Worrying about others is exhausting, really," Stinko said.

"That sounds so lonely though," Lillian said.

"Sure, it gets lonely, but it beats the alternative."

"Which is?"

"Which is having to put up with others who are only there to take advantage of you," Stinko said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "I mean, think about it, so many people are only together because of what they can get out of the person they're with. There's those rare exceptions, certainly, where they actually genuinely love and care for one another, but that's not the norm. People are selfish, self entitled narcissistic little monsters out to please themselves and only themselves. Hell, the mere fact that parents act like putting a roof over your head and feeding you and giving you an education is a gift instead of what you're owed says it all. They chose to have a child, and then they complain about what it forces them to do. It's like buying a car. You don't wanna pay for gas? Don't drive. Very simple."

"...I'm not a car," Lillian said, furrowing her brow at Stinko.

"I know you're not a car, kid," he said, "I'm just making the point that everyone, even your own folks, are hypocritical people only looking out for their own interests and gains. They can treat a kid like shit their whole lives and then when they get older ask their kid to take care of them, and the kid often feels responsibility to do so, because society has taught them that to say no to their parents is wrong, even if their parents wronged them for years prior."

"But don't they say two wrongs don't make a right?" Lillian asked.

"You know who probably coined that phrase? Someone who didn't want their actions to be justifiably called out," Stinko said, taking another long swig of beer, then patting her on the shoulder, "that's why we look to entertainers; actors, artists, to make us feel better. Lift our spirits."

"Clowns?"

"Even clowns, like Stinko. Stinko's your friend, but only because I'm contractually obligated to be," Stinko said, "but hey, at least I'm upfront about it."

Lillian giggled as Stinko reached up his sleeve, pulled out a balloon and blew into it, quickly making a blow up dog and handing it to her.

"Happy birthday kid," he said, ruffling her hair, "Now go eat your cake."

Lillian didn't know it at the time, but Stinko's presence had a profound effect on her life and her viewpoints on relationships. Sure, she never turned out as bleak as he did, but she found some sort of solace in the fact that, even if only momentarily, she had an adult friend who didn't talk down to her, and who validated the way she felt. Ever since then she had made it her goal in life to hear children, to help children, and to heal children.

Maddie, especially, was no exception.

                                                                          ***

After they ate, the girls played a few board games, watched a few episodes of Maddie's favorite cartoon, and then, when Maddie was beginning to yawn, Lillian suggested she go to bed. Maddie didn't argue. Lillian picked her up off the couch and carried her down the hall, pushing open her bedroom door with her elbow and bringing her inside, laying her down in her bed and pulling the blankets up around. Maddie's eyes were fluttering, seemingly on the verge of sleep, but she reached down to beside her bed and pulled out a little book and handed it to Lillian as she seated herself on the bedside.

"What is this?" Lillian asked.

"It's a storybook about Rapunzel, it's my favorite bedtime story," Maddie said, "I was hoping you'd read it to me. Rina always reads me bedtime stories."

"You're not too old for that?"

"Even if I was, would I care?" Maddie asked, making Lillian laugh loudly.

"Fair enough," she replied, opening the book and saying, "you know, Rapunzel was always my favorite too. I really related to feeling trapped by a mom who only wanted me for the use of my beauty. I mean, my mom loves me, I know that, but still...she was so heavily focused on the pageants that sometimes it felt like I was a product and not a person."

"I stay in my room so much, cause I'm scared of seeing my parents fight, that I relate to Rapunzel because she's stuck in her room all the time. Knowing you is like knowing a real life Rapunzel, and I guess it's nice to know that people like us end up okay," Maddie said.

Lillian felt her heart crack, and forced a smile on her face as she stroked Maddie's hair. She read the story, waited for Maddie to fall asleep, then left the room. As she exited, quietly pulling the door shut behind her, she leaned against it, clasped a hand over her mouth and began to sob silently. A few hours later, after falling asleep on the couch, she felt a hand shaking her gently on the shoulder to awaken her, and opened her eyes to find herself looking at Rina, kneeling beside her.

"Hey," Rina whispered, "I'm back, did everything go-"

But before she could even finish, Lillian lunged forward and squeezed her tightly, crying against her. Rina was surprised, but hugged her back, patting her, telling her it was okay. Rina paid Lillian for her time, let her take the leftovers from dinner, and the two said goodnight. Lillian got in her car, started it up and then started driving home. When she pulled up to her apartment, she parked, headed upstairs and found Alexis sitting against the wall beside her door, looking haggard and shivering. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her hair was a mess. Lillian knelt down and helped her up, knowing she was clearly going through a withdrawal of some kind.

"Come on," she whispered, "let's clean you up."

Lillian helped Alexis bathe, then gave her some pajamas and let her sleep on her couch. She covered her up in a quilt and then went to bed herself. When she woke up in the morning, she was surprised to find Alexis lying in the bed beside her, hugging her. Lillian just smiled and shut her eyes, letting her friend get the comfort she needed. After a few minutes, Alexis whispered, surprising Lillian.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I hope this isn't weird. I was just so cold. I needed to feel safe."

"It's fine," Lillian said, patting her friends hand, "take as long as you need."

But, when Maddie woke up that morning, Rina was already gone, and she could hear her parents bickering quietly in the living room. She got up, put some blankets against the bottom of the bedroom door and then turned, going back to her bed, until she noticed a piece of paper against her lamp. It was a picture Lillian had drawn of herself and Maddie, both as princesses, in front of a giant tower. Maddie smiled and hugged the picture to her chest. Just like Stinko had done for Lillian, Lillian had become a friend to a child, making her feel just slightly less alone in the world. Because the world is scary enough, especially when you're a kid, the last thing you need is to be alone as well.

It was absolutely packed with people.

Apparently, as Alex put it when they started to walk up, the only things that brought a neighborhood out in masse was the murder of a child or a really good BBQ. Lillian knew she shouldn't laugh, but she couldn't help but chuckle, and that was precisely why she brought Alexis along. They'd each been handed a candle upon arrival, already lit, and began to make their way through the crowd.

"How long am I supposed to hold this for?" Alex asked, "Can I eventually put it down someplace?"

"I think, the way these things usually work, is that yes you'll eventually place it at the memorial site they've built."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not coldhearted, what happened was awful, but, like..." Alex sighed, "...kids die every single day. Whether it's an accident, or an illness, or in some cases like this one, a straight up murder, kids dying is nothing new. But the kids who have accidents or illnesses never get shrines or memorialized. Why is murder the only one that seems to bring out the heartfelt sentiment of the neighborhood?"

"Because those other two happen fairly naturally. As a neighborhood, we don't like to think that our children are two doors away from the end of their lives," Lillian said, "This is why the whole neighborhood turns out when something like this happens, because we just try and ignore the fact that it can."

"When I was in high school-" Alex started.

"What, like 6 months ago?" Lillian interrupted, making her smirk.

"shut up, but when I was in high school, this girl murdered her boyfriend and they had a whole, like, ceremony for it at the school, and it was just weird seeing these other girls who'd been treated so badly by her suddenly have empathy for this monster. I don't know. Humans creep me out."

"I can't argue with you," Lillian mumbled, before knocking elbows with another woman, who turned to face her; Lillian smiled, "Oh, Rina! What...what are you doing here?"

"Apparently it's the place to be," Alex said.

"I babysat a few times," Rina said, "Maddie's here too, somewhere. Her parents asked me to bring her. What are you guys doing here?"

"Didn't you hear me? It's the place to be," Alex restated, making Lillian and Rina chuckle.

"We...we just came cause it felt like the right thing to do. I mean, everyone else showed up, so," Lillian said, "This is the second death she's been around in just a few months. First that kid at her party, and now this kid, though she probably didn't know this kid."

"They went to the same after school program a few times," Rina said, "In the same school district, so. But no, you're right, she didn't know them, thank god. Girl is riddled with enough problems without adding more on. Who's your friend?"

"This is Alex, she works for the costume company I work for," Lillian said, as Rina held out her hand to shake, which Alex politely shook her head at, then held up her free hand, indicating it was gloved.

"Germs," she said, "Not gonna happen."

"Fair," Rina said.

"I'm gonna see if I can track down Maddie, you guys just hang out for a minute, okay?" Lillian asked, the two of them agreeing, before she disappeared into the sea of people to search for Maddison. Rina shoved her hands in her coat pocket and looked around at the people, before looking back at Alexis.

"This sort of thing is what keeps me from wanting kids," Rina said, "I'm down with everything else, I babysit for god sakes, clearly I'm good with children, but...the idea that something absolutely horrendous can happen to an innocent child is just..."

"It's no bueno," Alex said.

"Well put," Rina said, smiling.

"No, I know what you mean," Alex said as the two sat on a small concrete planter box and talked; she continued, "I've never really dealt with death well, honestly. I've never had, like, a traumatic experience either, but for some reason I just...I've never really been good with the whole mortality thing. It really bothers me. So yeah, I get why it's even worse when it happens to a literal child."

Meanwhile, Lillian was pushing her way gently through the crowd, searching all over for Maddison. When she finally spotted her, Maddie was standing alone, looking at a small corkboard that had been smothered with photos of Stephie. Lillian approached her cautiously and touched her shoulder. Maddie turned around, looked up at her, then threw her arms around Lillian's legs and squeezed her hard.

"They didn't give you a candle?" Lillian asked.

"They won't give them to children," Maddie whispered, sniffling, "it's okay, I didn't wanna carry one anyway."

"How are you doing?" Lillian asked.

"I...don't know," Maddie said, pulling away and wiping her eyes on her sleeves, her braids swinging gently behind her, "uh...it's weird, I didn't really know her, but...she shouldn't have died. That boy at my party shouldn't have died."

Lillian knelt down so they were eye level, and she noticed the tears streaming down Maddison's face.

"why..." Maddie muttered, "...why do people keep dying around me?"

This broke Lillian's heart, and she pulled Maddie into her again, hugging her tightly, stroking her braids, telling her it was okay. That she wasn't the cause. That these things just happened. She knew none of this was likely as reassuring as she'd hoped it'd be, but it was the best she could do.

                                                                             ***

"I'm glad we finally found some time to get together," Vera said, smiling across the table at Tyler, who smiled back as he sipped his wine. They were seated in a small, but fancy, restaurant downtown and having dinner, which Vera was opting to pay for seeing as her paygrade was better than Tyler's, a fact Tyler didn't mind. She was dressed in a nice dress, and her hair was pulled back into a bun, and Tyler was dressed in slacks and a button down shirt, his hair combed and gelled.

"Yeah, I feel like I never get to just go out without it having to be work related," Tyler said.

"I know," Vera said, "that's why I asked you to join me tonight, because it just...it feels nice to do something that isn't work related. I feel the same way. I feel like I work nonstop, and it's exhausting. It's nice to just go somewhere, have dinner, talk about things not related to work."

"Yet here we are, discussing how much we work," Tyler said, making Vera laugh.

"Well, okay, let's move away from that then. Been involved in any hobbies lately?" Vera asked, making Tyler stop and think.

"Uh, I guess I've been taking up knitting," Tyler said, "My sister's having a baby, so I wanted to make her something. It's hard, I don't know how people used to knit entire rugs and coats and stuff, that shit is complicated. I can barely manage a pair of booties."

"That's really sweet," Vera said, smiling widely, "what made you wanna do knitting? I mean, besides your sisters pregnancy."

"I guess, like, it's quiet and slow paced? When your daily life is surrounded by parties, you want your downtime to be something chill, you know? Even if it is still related to children in some way, but that's cool, I like kids," Tyler said, the waiter setting down their entrees and the two beginning to dig in; Tyler scooped some shrimp pasta into his mouth, chewed then added, "I wanna have kids someday."

"Yeah, me too," Vera said softly, blushing.

                                                                            ***

Lillian and Maddison were walking through the crowd, Lillian having given Maddie her candle to hold because she'd asked to, and Lillian was tired of her hand cramping from it.

"I was looking at the photos on that board cause I was jealous," Maddie said quietly, "she had parents who loved her. She vanished while trick or treating with her dad. They had a lot of family trip photos and all sorts of stuff like that. I don't think I have a single photo of myself with my parents."

"Don't feel bad, I don't either. The only ones I have were the ones taken when I won another pageant and it was required for my mother and I to have our photo taken together," Lillian said, "sometimes it almost feels like I don't even have a past because I have virtually no photographic evidence of it."

"That's so sad," Maddie said, "I want my parents to want me."

As the girls approached Rina and Alex, they found Alex was napping, her head resting on Rina's shoulder. Rina nudged gently, waking Alex, who looked around before noticing Maddie holding the candle before noticing Lillian no longer had hers.

"Heeey," she said, "Where's your candle?"

"I gave it to Maddie," Lillian said.

"That's not fair! Here, hold my candle!" Alex said, making them laugh.

"How are you doing?" Rina asked as Maddie climbed up to sit with them on the concrete planter.

"This is weird," she whispered, "I feel weird being here."

"We can leave if you'd like," Rina said, "We can go get something to eat before I take you home. Lillian and her friend can join us, if that's okay with them," she finished, looking up at Lillian who smiled and nodded. Maddie thought for a moment and nodded in response. Together they all stood up and began to head out, before Alex stopped Lillian and looked around.

"What is it?" Lillian asked.

"Where do I put my candle?" Alex asked, "Aren't I supposed to add it to some shrine or something?"

"Just give it to someone, they'll do it for you."

"No! You might've dragged me here, but by god I'm gonna do the right thing!" Alex said.

Lillian agreed to help Alex find the area to put their candles, and after taking Maddie to the area, she and Alex approached the shrine, waiting to set their candles down, while Lillian and Rina stood back, watching. Alex exhaled deeply, feeling nervous, until she felt Maddie's hand in her own, squeezing it tightly. Alex, at first taken aback at this physical contact, then quickly changed gears and smiled at it, squeezing her hand back. When they got to the front of the shrine, they both knelt and placed their candles on the small tin holders.

"There we go," Alex said, "Now we've honored her."

"...thank you," Maddie whispered, and Alex patted her on the head.

"Thank you," she replied softly.

Alex and Maddie got back up, rejoined Lillian and Rina, and the four of them headed to a fast food place to get something to eat. It had been a somewhat somber evening, and now it was time to make it a little bit better. After all, as Alex put it on the way there, they weren't dead, so they should try to have a good time.

                                                                           ***

Tyler and Vera were walking down the street, near the riverwalk, the lights in the trees lit up overhead. The sound of the water softly lapping against the lip of the walk, the boats slowly drifting by them, Vera felt like nothing could ruin such a perfect night. Walking alongside her, Tyler looked at his shoes, kicking little pebbles on the ground into the nearby water.

"I feel like my life is nothing but work," Vera said, "to the point where even my social life, with you, is work related in some way."

"Well, I can quit the job, get something normal, then this wouldn't as awkward," Tyler said.

"No," Vera replied, chuckling, "No, I don't want you to quit your job, Ty. I like the closeness this gives us. It keeps us entangled, in one way or another, no matter what. If anything, I'm the one who should quit. I have no real upward mobility, partially thanks to my skin color, and I need to find something long term."

"We love having you there," Tyler said, "Group wouldn't be complete without you."

Vera stopped and looked at Tyler, who stopped and looked back at her. The strung up lights in the trees brightened her face just a bit, and he could see her eyes shine. She looked even more beautiful than he normally thought she looked.

"They say you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, that office romances never work out," Vera said.

"Well then," Tyler said, approaching her, "I guess it's a good thing we don't work in an office."

And he leaned in and kissed her. She didn't hesitate, if anything she embraced it, and kissed him back. The tension between them had been bubbling for ages, and they both finally felt it was an okay enough time to give into it, and neither one regretted it.

Yes, this was the best date either one had had in years.

                                                                            ***

After parting ways with Rina and Maddie, Lillian started to drive Alexis home. Alexis had her forehead resting against the passenger side window, Lillian was playing soft classical music on the radio, and it was starting to rain ever so gently. As they pulled up to a red light, Lillian looked over at Alex.

"You okay?" she asked, "You're not mad that I made you come are you?"

"No," Alexis said.

"...no to which?"

"I don't know, both, I guess," Alexis said, "Being there it just made me think about my family, about all the people who aren't here anymore, and you're right, I get it, I get why you're protective, cause a child shouldn't have to endure that much loss in that short amount of time span at their age. But she has a good support system. We didn't."

"Alex, you can tell me if-"

"I don't think I wanna be alive anymore," Alex whispered, "...my life is going nowhere. Look at what I do for a living. Meanwhile my brother and sister are practicing professionals and here I am, dressing up like a fucking pirate for kids parties, and it isn't even that shame that really gets to me, it's the fact that I don't feel like I deserve better. Like this is all I'm really capable of."

The light changed to green and Lillian kept driving, still listening to her friend, who was now crying as she spoke.

"...my parents don't expect anything out of me, and I'm in my mid twenties," Alex said, "I can go weeks at a time without contact and they don't even notice."

"Where's this coming from? You were in a good mood earlier."

"I was high, dude," Alex said, surprising Lillian; Alex wiped her eyes on her sleeves and nodded, "Yeah, yeah I was high. I took heroin before we went. Drugs are all that make me function remotely like a normal person anymore."

"Jesus, are you-"

"I'm fine," Alex said sternly, "they only drug test at mandatory get togethers, and I make sure not to do it within a certain time frame surrounding those. I'm not going to lose my job. I know it's wrong, or at least that's what society thinks, but...in the grand scheme of things, how wrong is it?"

"What do you mean?" Lillian asked, turning a corner, getting closer to Alexis's apartment.

"I mean, we went to a candlelit vigil for a little girl tonight. Someone brutally murdered a child. I think there's varying degrees of evil, and on that sliding scale, taking heroin isn't really all that bad. It isn't like I'm hurting anyone, and I'm not dangerous to myself, so who's the bad guy here, Lil? The guy who viciously killed a small girl in her Halloween costume, or the girl who works kids parties for a living and does heroin in her spare time?"

"...probably the guy who killed a child," Lillian said.

"Exactly."

As they pulled up to the curb, Lillian came to a full stop and looked at Alexis.

"You wanna stay over?" Alex asked quietly.

"...you don't wanna be alone? I can stay if you don't wanna be alone, I don't have to work tomorrow, so," Lillian said, "If you just want a friend around-"

"please," Alex whispered.

"Of course."

Lillian got out of the car, as did Alexis, and together they headed up the stairs into the complex. Lillian actually hadn't wanted to stay, she was looking forward to a quiet night by herself, but she figured Alex could use the companionship, and she didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone in this state of mind. So Lillian went into he apartment with her, they ordered in food, and they watched game show reruns all night, and in the morning, when Lillian woke, Alex had already gone out to get coffee and and brought her back some too.

All in all, sometimes the people you work with, Lillian thought, might just be most suited to be your best friends.

Despite working at them for a living, Lillian had ironically grown to hate parties. Parties of any kind. Birthday parties, new years parties, you name a kind of party and Lillian hated it. Except for this party. This was the one and only social event of the year she looked forward to, and it was the company's annual Halloween party. This was the time she could wear whatever she wanted, instead of her princess getup, and she appreciated that.

Sitting in the car, riding with Alex who had asked her to carpool, Lillian was dressed as a Genie while Alex was dressed as a werewolf. Alex was applying eye makeup in the rearview mirror while Lillian drove, and she occasionally glanced over at Alex, somewhat scoffing.

"What?" Alex asked.

"Who ever heard of a werewolf using beauty products," Lillian said, making them both chuckle.

"Well," Alex replied, "most werewolves aren't as ravishingly beautiful as I am, so there."

Lillian laughed again, loudly this time, as she turned into the parking lot of the usual building the company rented for this event. After parking and getting out of the car, the two women started to head through the lot, towards the building. It was brisk out, and they could hear the shouts of a nearby house party as kids ran up and down the street in Halloween costumes, trick or treating. The sounds made Lillian remember why this was her favorite holiday.

"It's so easy to feel like a kid again when Halloween comes around, even when you're older," she said, "I mean, it's the only holiday that has absolutely no restrictions on it. Candy for everyone, we all get to dress up and it's entirely nondenominational."

"You make a valid argument," Alex said, pulling her werewolf mask down over her head, then looking at Lillian, asking, "How do my eyes look?"

"You know, I now understand why you were doing makeup, because it really does add to the effect," she replied. Just then Tyler, dressed as a golfer, jogged up to their side and began walking beside them. Lillian and Alex started chuckling and pointing at him.

"That's your costume?" Alex asked.

"It was easy," Tyler remarked, shrugging, "at least I'm gonna be comfortable all night."

"...shit, he's got a point. This thing is gonna make me sweat," Alex mumbled.

                                                                            ***

Happily walking down the street, her little braids bobbing up and down, young 9 year old Stephie Marks was having the night of her life trick or treating with her dad. Her mom had stayed home to hand out candy, and when she asked why dad couldn't do it, he'd told her, "because people don't trust candy given by strange lone men", which made her mom laugh. She liked it when her mom laughed. She liked it when her parents made eachother laugh. Honestly, there wasn't much in the world that Stephie Marks didn't like, except perhaps dark chocolate. She much preferred milk chocolate to that, and even white.

Stephie had picked out her costume months in advance, and not because it was difficult to make or anything - she was just dressed like a mermaid - but because she loved Halloween that much. Now, skipping down the street hand in hand with her dad, who was also skipping along with her, Stephie was thrilled to finally have her favorite holiday be here once again. At school that day, they'd spent the whole afternoon doing Halloween activities - reading spooky stories, watched a scary movie and having a Halloween parade around the school so all the kids could show off their costumes - and now it was the long awaited trick or treating.

"Stay in my sight, okay?" her father called as she skipping ahead of him.

Stephie raced up the stairs of one house, grouping herself with another bunch of small kids, and as the door swung open they all hollered "treat or treat!" and the woman who answered smiled at them all before dumping handfuls of candy in their respective containers. After she was finished, only Stephie thanked the woman profusely before running back down the steps to her father, who waved politely at the woman as he took his daughters hand and kept up with her down the street to the next house.

Yes, Halloween was the best night of the year.

                                                                           ***

Alex couldn't believe that most of the women here, all in their twenties or thirties, were dressed in fairly skimpy or sexy costumes, and now she felt especially out of place. Tyler patted her back and chuckled as Lillian continued past them to the snack table.

"Well, at least you can take some sort of solace in the fact that you aren't a sexy werewolf," Tyler said.

"Jokes on you, everybody would wanna sleep with a sexy werewolf," Alex said as they followed Lillian to the table. Alex immediately scooped up a handful of chips and, lifting up the mask, stuffed them into her mouth and chewed as Lillian picked up a small cracker with nice cheese and a small slice of meat atop it and nibbled on it.

"Did you not eat before coming?" Tyler asked, and she shook her head.

"No, I expected them to serve something here," she replied, "I mean, I wasn't expecting a five course meal or anything, but still you'd think a company this large and successful would've somehow found a way to manage feeding their employees for just a few hours. Hell, there's not even any Halloween themed cookies or anything."

"There's pumpkin pie," Alex said, pointing at a pie that hadn't even been opened, making Lillian roll her eyes.

"Great, yeah, cause pumpkins are used during Halloween. They really went the extra mile here, didn't they," Lillian mumbled, making Tyler laugh as Vera walked over to them. Vera was dressed like an elf from a fantasy book, and Tyler raised an eyebrow as she approached.

"Wow, you look fantastic," Tyler said.

"Thanks!" Vera said happily, pushing her hair behind her elf ears placed over her actual ears, "I wanted to do something different, as most years I don't really try very hard. I always liked reading fantasy novels when I was younger, so."

"You don't read fantasy anymore?" Lillian asked.

"I only read dirty magazines," Alex said, making everyone look at her until she quietly added under her breath, "...but, like, for the articles."

Vera, barely able to container her laughter at Alex, said, "I don't really have as much time to read anymore, and a lot of fantasy is in depth, complex and very lengthy, so it takes a lot of time and patience, and I just don't have those qualities as an adult."

"It's true, as a kid I had nothing but patience to sink time into things others considered pointless or trivial," Tyler said, "now I feel like my time is precious."

"It's because as an adult you realize you only have such a finite amount of it before you die," Alex said.

"You know, it's no surprise to me that you don't get invited to many parties," Tyler said at her.

Lillian wandered away from the group as they gathered around the snack table, and she noticed someone sitting on a chair near an office door, fiddling with their costume. Lillian slipped away from the group while they bickered amongst themselves and walked towards the person. They looked up as Lillian stood in front of them, and smiled down. The person appeared to be a teenage girl, and Lillian was surprised to see her here.

"My dad's around somewhere if you're looking for him," the girl said, and Lillian drug a chair next to hers and seated herself.

"No, you just looked bored, so I thought I'd keep you company. I don't like parties myself," Lillian said.

"Then what are you doing at one?" the girl asked.

"Well, I'm legally obligated to be here, since, you know, I work for these people," Lillian said, "Trust me, I sat out one one year and was firmly reprimanded because of it. They essentially told me if I didn't wanna be a part of the team, then I shouldn't be signed up with one, even though we all work separately and only ever see one another during times like this."

"You're not a loner. You came with people," the girl retorted, making Lillian glance back at the crew, still by the table, clearly discussing something intensely.

"I mean, those are actual friends, not just coworkers. But okay, that's fair, perhaps I'm not as withdrawn as I make myself out to be," Lillian said, her thoughts immediately leaping to that of Maddison and Rina. She had been more social lately, it seemed. She sighed and stood up, adding, "Well, I just thought you might like some company, but I can leave if you'd like."

"No, you...you don't have to go," the girl said, "It's nice not to be alone."

Lillian seated herself again and the girl shifted in her seat.

"So what's your dad usually dress as for work?" Lillian asked.

"A monster," the girl said softly, "not much of a stretch of the imagination, if you ask me."

This statement worried Lillian.

                                                                             ***

It was getting late, and Stephie's father wanted to begin heading home. The streets weren't empty, exactly, but they had certainly thinned, and he was getting tired. Stephie, of course, still had energy to spare, because children never run out of steam, especially on a long awaited holiday. He checked his watch and scratched his forehead before tapping Stephie on her shoulder while she dug through her candy bag while walking.

"I think we should start heading home," he said.

"Just one more house!" Stephie said excitedly, making him smile. How could he turn down that level of unbridled enthusiasm?

"Alright," he said, "but just one more."

He didn't really recognize this neighborhood, and that alone should've tipped him off that they'd gone too far from their usual route, but Stephie was having such a good time he didn't think much of it. He stopped and looked across the street at a house party going on, and he thought back to the kind of Halloween parties he and his wife used to attend before they had Stephie. Those days were long gone, now. These days their idea of a wild night was to stay up until 2am and eat a few bowls of ice cream apiece.

He turned back as he heard the sound of small feet shuffling up beside him and looked down, expecting to see Stephie, but instead seeing a little boy. He quickly apologized, and the mother understood politely, taking her little boy by the hand and leading him down the street. Stephie's father continued to turn in circles, looking everywhere in his immediate vicinity for his daughter, only to come up empty time and time again, and he began to grow worried. Where had she gone? Just one more house.

Just one more house.

It was something he'd regret saying for the rest of his life.

                                                                            ***

"Parents are dicks," Lillian said, "I mean, even the ones who seem to try for your best interests wind up being dicks, because they never ask you what you want, they just think they know what you want. So even if their heart is in the right place, their actions speak louder than words."

"It's embarrassing having a dad who works for parties for a living as a costumed character," the girl said, "everyone else's dads are doctors or lawyers or work in office buildings or are involved in some remotely kind of respectable career, but my dad just...does parties in a monster costume."

"I like to think that we perform an important service, bringing joy to kids," Lillian said.

"Funny how he can bring other peoples children joy but he can't make his own kid happy," the girl replied.

"I know what you mean," Lillian said.

"Do you? Because you sound just like every other adult who's tried to relate to me," the girl said, almost snapping at Lillian and surprising her now, continuing, "every therapist, school counselor, teacher, whatever...you all sound the same. Do you really understand, or are you just saying that to get me to let my guard down?"

Lillian was surprised, taken aback by this sudden vinegar, and didn't know how to respond. The girl stood up and took off quickly, walking into the crowd and vanishing. Alex took her seat, eating a piece of pie crust and looking at Lillian.

"You okay?" Alex asked.

"...I guess just because you're friends with one kid doesn't mean you can be friends with them all," Lillian said.

"Teenagers are scary," Alex said, finishing her pie crust, and then sliding a paper plate with another piece of pie on it onto Lillian's lap, smiling, "here, I brought you a piece before it was all gone."

"...thanks Alexis," Lillian said, smiling lightly; she couldn't deny that Alex was a real friend, and perhaps she should just be grateful for that. So Lillian spent the evening in the chair, talking with Alexis, occasionally dancing with her when Alex asked, and just overall having a surprisingly decent time. On the way back to the parking lot that night, she spotted the teenage girl screaming at her dad near their car, and as Lillian lifted a fairly drunk Alexis into the passenger side seat, she shifted and opened one eye.

"What's with all the screaming?" Alex asked, groaning.

"It's nothing," Lillian said, "none of our business."

And then she drove Alexis to her apartment, letting her spend the night, thinking she shouldn't be alone. As she drove past the teenage girl and her father, their eyes caught briefly, and she could see the teenage girl looked genuinely remorseful for how she'd acted, but it was too late now. The party was over.

Maybe next year.

                                                                             ***

Stephie, despite hearing her father say to stay in his sight, had immediately rushed up the porch of a house, and rang the doorbell. The lawn was well taken care of, the house looked nice and clean, and a man almost her fathers age, dressed well, opened the door to her. She held up her bag and said "trick or treat!", and the man immediately grabbed a bowl of candy inside near the door, dumping some into her bag. Stephie thanked him, then turned, her back to him, as she looked through her bag before heading back to her father. The man looked around, noticing how empty the streets were, and then swiftly placed one hand around her mouth, the other around her waist, and pulled her violently into his house, shutting the door behind him.

Stephie's father would eventually return home, much to his wifes shock, with a slew of policemen. They would stay up all night, waiting for the cops to find their daughter, only for morning to break with no sign of a return. It wouldn't be another week until they finally found Stephie, wrapped in a carpet and dumped in the back field of a nearby high school. She'd been strangled to death. Even days after that, her father, Jackson, could still hear the shrill sounds of his and his wifes screams when they were brought to the morgue to identify their little girl. No fingerprints or any other evidence was found, and no suspect was ever named.

Every night, before he fell asleep, Jackson would be lying in bed, trying to clear his mind but all he could hear was that sentence, destined to be forever haunted by four little innocent words...

Just one more house.

Just one more house.

Just one more house.

That blinding light, shining right in Lillian's eyes, making her squint upwards as she attempted to stumble onto the stage, in front of all the other little girls, facing the crowd in front of her. She could see her mother sitting in a first row seat, filming her with a camcorder, grinning happily. Lillian just wanted to scream and run away. She looked to the judges table, and saw one of the men adjust his microphone. He was a handsome enough man, in his early thirties, who had the look of a cool college professor. He lifted up his cards and cleared this throat.

"Lillian Phillips...please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he asked, making Lillian blink a few times, trying to figure out her response. She shouldn't have had to think; she and her mother had rehearsed this a million times over, and she knew the correct response to give.

And yet...

...that wasn't the answer she'd wind up giving, and the one she'd wind up giving would end her beauty pageant career for good.

                                                                             ***

Lillian had a week off.

For the first time in months, she had an entire week off, and she was grateful for it. She'd ordered in last night, stayed up watching crappy game show reruns and eventually passed out on her couch, chinese boxes littering her coffee table, her robe partially open. She only woke up because her landline rang, rudely interrupting her sleep. She groaned, rolled off the couch to her feet and walked across the room towards the landline hanging on the wall in the nearby kitchen of her apartment. She picked it up, still half asleep, and rubbed her eyes.

"Yeeeah, hello?" she asked.

"Lily! It's mom!"

Her heart sank.

"Hello," she said flatly.

"I'm in need of some help, if you'd be so willing," her mother said.

"Depends on what it is I have to do," Lillian replied.

"Oh, nothing, I just want you to come with me on some errands and give me your opinions on some stuff I'm buying," she said, which made Lillian feel a little bit better.

"Yeah, okay, that sounds...normal," Lillian said, making her mother laugh.

"I'll be there in a half hour, okay? I'm bringing coffee and donuts, and we can eat in the car!" she said, before hanging up without even saying goodbye. Lillian hung up as well, then stared at the phone. She picked it up and slammed it into the base a number of times before calmly hanging up one last time again. It sounded normal, sure, but it rarely if ever was.

Lillian got dressed; a plain white v neck t-shirt under some overalls and pulled her hair in pigtails. Seemed like she always regressed to being a kid when she was around her mother, which she was certain her therapist would have an absolute field day with if he knew. She packed a small pleather backpack full of some items (a book, some medication, a water bottle and some granola bars; just odds and ends for a day out) and tossed it on her back before heading to the parking lot of the apartment to wait for her mother.

When her mother pulled up in her car, Lillian almost didn't recognize it. After it slowed to a crawl, the door opened automatically and Lillian climbed inside, clicking her seatbelt tight as her mother leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"This car looks new," Lillian said.

"It is," Jane said, "Well, relatively new. Figured it was time for a little upgrade, considering I'd been driving that old car since you were a kid."

"Well it's nice," Lillian said, almost impressed, adding, "...so, what exactly is it you need me to do?"

"I just wanted to spend the day with my daughter," Jane said, "Is that too much to ask?"

"I don't know. Sometimes things don't go too well..."

"Well, I recognize that, but it doesn't mean we should stop trying," Jane said, making Lillian smirk, even if she remained somewhat hesitant. Her mother was nothing if not smooth, a trait Lillian herself had always admired and envied for herself. Unfortunately, she'd seemed to have been saddled with her fathers blunt awkwardness. Jane pulled out of the parking lot and began heading down the street, the late October sun shining down through the somewhat grey sky, warming Lillian's face. She shut her eyes, rolled the window down a smidge and took in the sound of the crunching leaves beneath her mothers tires.

"You doing anything for Halloween this week?" Jane asked.

"Um, I have to go to a work party, yeah," Lillian replied, "Why? Are you doing something?"

"I'm having a get together with some of the other women on my block," Jane said, "Nothing special, just something low key while their kids are out trick or treating, you know. That's actually part of why I needed your help today, I need to find a Halloween costume to wear."

Lillian genuinely smiled.

"Well, okay, I can definitely help with that," Lillian said.

She liked these good times. She liked them so much, she often forgot that most of her life with her mother had been bad times.

                                                                            ***

An hour before the show had started, Lillian had been in the dressing room with the other little girls and their mothers, but now she was the only one still in there. She was tired, she was scared, and she didn't want to go out on stage. Her mother had forgotten the camera, so she had to quickly run home to grab it, telling Lillian not to leave the room until she got back, something Lillian happily obliged to. Sitting there on the little couch, eating apple slices from a tupperware on the table and reading a book, there was a knock on the door. Lillian looked up at it to see the door slowly open, and that handsome young looking judge peer inside cautiously.

"Hey, just wanted to make sure nobody was still in here, you're all on in about an hour," he said, coming in and shutting the door behind him.

"I know, my mom forgot the video camera," Lillian said.

"Ah, okay then," he said, sitting down on the coffee table across from her. Lillian liked his cool grey suit, and his slacked haircut, his beard stubble, his green eyes. He was extremely charming, and she understood why he was one of the judges; he cocked his head at her and asked, "What are you reading?"

"It's a fantasy book about a time traveling cat," Lillian said.

"That's pretty cool. Do you have cats?"

"No, my dad's allergic. I want a cat, but I can't have one," Lillian said, "Maybe when I'm grown up I'll get a cat."

"That's a shame, cats are cool," the judge said, "Don't sit too long, or you might put a crease in your dress and, as a judge I have to say, that sort of thing is noticeable. You should get up now and then and just pace or something to keep it bouncy."

"Oh...okay, thanks, I didn't think about that," Lillian said.

She stood up and set her book down on the table, and then started pacing around the room. The judge watched her for a moment, as she stopped and looked at her makeup in the mirror. She felt weird, being so young and having to wear makeup, but it'd always been a necessary requirement for the pageants. Still, she hated the way it felt on her face. Suddenly she felt hands on her shoulders and looked up, expecting them to belong to her mother, except they didn't. The judge was standing behind her, looking at her in the mirror, his hands squeezing her shoulders. She felt uncomfortable as he pressed up against her from behind, way too close for comfort.

"You look fine," he whispered.

"...okay," she said.

"Trust me, I think you have the strongest chance to win," he continued, speaking softly, "you're easily the prettiest contestant, not that beauty is all that matters in these things, but it plays a pretty big role considering it's in the title."

She felt his hand running down her arms, but she didn't dare move or speak. She just stayed deadly still, as she felt his hand slide under the ruffles of her dress, and slide itself into her leggings, getting close to her front. Lillian shut her eyes tightly, wanting to scream but instead staying silent as possible as she touched her. Suddenly the door jiggled, and his hands were off her. The judge walked to the door as Lillian watched him in the mirror; he smoothed his hair, adjusted his pants and straightened his tie before unlocking and opening the door, letting her mother back in.

"...why was this locked?" Jane asked.

"Habit," the judge said, "I came to be with her so she didn't have to be alone. Actually I was just checking to see if the room was clear and found her her, then thought I'd wait with her until you came back. I lock doors at my house all the time, it's just a bad habit."

"...okay," Jane said quietly, adding, "Well thank you. We'll see you out there."

Lillian didn't take her eyes off the judge, who - as he shut the door behind him, winked at her - had made her skin crawl. She wanted to vomit, hide and cry. She felt disgusting. Jane came over to her and sat down on the table, twiddling with the camera until Lillian sat down beside her.

"...mom?" she asked softly.

"Yes?"

"...would you believe me if I told you something?" she asked.

"Of course," Jane said, putting a small tape into the camera and looking through the eyepiece.

"...I don't wanna do these anymore," Lillian said.

"Well, we'll talk about this after the show, okay?"

Lillian nodded. She wanted to tell her mother the truth, about what the judge had done, how he'd touched her, but she was scared. Instead she told her mother the truth about something else, which is how she wanted to quit pageants altogether. After the incident at the theme park, and now this...it just didn't seem as fun as it once had.

                                                                             ***

After they finished shopping, they headed back home, and Jane tried on the various costumes in the bathroom while Lillian wandered into her childhood bedroom. She stood in front of the shelf that housed all her trophies, ribbons and, of course, all the plastic crowns she'd accrued throughout her pageant years. Lillian stood and touched each one gently with her fingertips, feeling like she was a totally different person now, and yet still unsure who exactly she was. She felt like she'd lost herself, somehow, without ever even knowing who she had been to begin with.

The door opened and her mother stood there, dressed like a scarecrow. Lillian looked at her mother, and tried not to laugh, which only made Jane laugh as she came further into the room, leaning over in front of Lillian's childhood vanity table and checking herself in the mirror.

"God, I used to have the body for sexy costumes," Jane said, "Now it's a hit or miss."

"...mom, remember when we used to play dress up?" Lillian asked.

"Of course!" Jane said, pushing her curly bangs from her face, "while your father went to work, you and I played dress up all day, and that's part of why you wanted to do beauty pageants. I mean, I had a hand in that, obviously, having done it myself, but you were excited about the idea."

"I feel like I've been dressing up as someone else my entire life, and I've never figured out who I am," Lillian said, sitting on her childhood bed, turning over a tiara from a former pageant in her hands, "...I have to tell you something, something I never told you."

Jane turned and looked at her, before walking and sitting beside her.

"What is it? Are you gay?"

"...I don't think so," Lillian said, laughing, "No, not that I'm that interested in anyone one way or another these days, but, no, I'm not gay. No, um, the last pageant I did, remember? When I...anyway. When you came into the room, and that judge was in there...before you got there, he..."

Lillian clutched her overalls tightly, trying not to cry.

"...uh, he touched me," Lillian whispered, "and I've been in therapy about it for a while now, and uh, and I don't like having sex anymore, and...and I wanted to tell you then but you so badly wanted me to do well in that pageant and I'd already told you that I'd wanted to quit, and I just...it always felt like I was never good enough, no matter how much I won. I'm sorry."

"...are you okay, Lily?" Jane asked, reaching over and gently stroking her daughters pigtails.

"I'm not okay, mom, no. I'm really messed up. I don't know who I am. I spent my whole adolescence dressing up to impress others and now I spend my whole adulthood dressing up to make others happy. I never learned to like myself for who I was, because I never found out who I was, and it's made me wary of anyone, and I feel like I don't trust anybody, and..."

She sniffled and wiped her nose on her arm.

"...a few weeks ago, this friend of mine I work with, he did a party for a little girl and this classmate of hers died at her party, and I started to talk to this little girl and hang out with her because...because I just knew her parents weren't, and I knew what it was like to be a kid and be confused about something horrible that had happened around you, and...and I just didn't want her to feel like I'd felt."

Jane leaned over and hugged her daughter warmly, exhaling.

"You're a good kid," Jane said softly, "I'm sorry I wasn't such a good mom."

"You were fine, mom."

"No, I...fine wasn't enough, okay? I recognize that now. I have felt so bad for so long for pressuring you to continue doing something you didn't have your heart in, and...and now after hearing this, like, I feel guilty, like if I'd just let you be you, and let you quit before that show, maybe this creep wouldn't have-"

"No, mom, no, it isn't your fault, it isn't my fault, that's something my therapist has taught me. These things just happen and the only person to really blame is the asshole who did it, and who probably kept doing it to other little girls long after that," Lillian said, "...but thank you."

Jane smiled and kissed her daughter on the forehead.

"You'll always be my baby," Jane said quietly, "Even when I'm not a great mom, just know that I'll always love you. It wasn't easy for me, I wasn't ready to be a mom. That's why I always acted more like a friend than a parent. I was too young. I just...I wasn't grown up enough myself. I'm sorry, Lily."

Lillian hugged her mom back and the two just sat like that for a while. All in all it wasn't a bad day after all. As she left the room, she picked out a tiara from the collection as her new costume tiara. It was time for a change.

                                                                            ***

Standing on the stage, staring her near molester down, she waited, thinking of what to say. He tapped his mic again and repeated the question.

"Miss Phillips?" he asked, "Uh, please, in your own words, tell me why you think you deserve to be The Harvest Queen this fall?" he said.

"....I don't," she said quietly, which made people in the audience audibly gasp; she continued after a moment, "...I don't deserve to be The Harvest Queen. We're all equally pretty, and this is stupid and I don't wanna do it anymore."

Lillian unclipped the small microphone from her dress, dropped it on the stage and walked off, smiling as she did so.

She never did a beauty pageant again.

Lillian was sitting in the parking lot, amongst a large crowd, while ambulances and cop cars tried to make sense of the tragedy. Children were crying, parents were comforting their kids, and yet Lillian's parents were nowhere to be found, and she was seated on a bench outside the theme park by herself, watching them wheel a stretcher with a body bag atop it out the gate, towards the nearby ambulance. How had this happened? Why would anyone do this to themselves? These were questions that Lillian once found so hard to answer, but now, as an adult, completely knew the answers to.

And that scared her more than anything else.

                                                                              ***

Lillian was sitting at the bar of the bistro, drinking water while watching Rina wash some glasses. Lillian glanced around at the other people sitting at the bar, each one nursing their own drink or eating bar snacks or appetizers. Lillian looked back at Rina, who was stood in front of her, wiping one glass in particular down.

"How many jobs do you even have?" Lillian asked.

"I like to help my community," Rina said, shrugging, "and then when I'm not helping my community, I like to take advantage of it. I get off work in about 3 minutes, if you're capable of waiting that long."

"I've already sat here for a good 2 hours, so what's another 3 minutes really," Lillian said, as Rina smirked and placed that glass down and picked up yet another, wiping that one down, clearly just doing something to pass the time until she was off work; Lillian sighed and asked, "What do you wanna do?"

"I'm going to show you something really cool," Rina said, "Trust me, it's gonna blow your mind."

"I doubt that," Lillian said, running her hand through her thick hair, exhaling, "Not much blows my mind anymore, and if something does somehow manage to do so, it's often because it's something truly awful and disgusting."

"Well this isn't awful and disgusting, so I guess we'll see," Rina said, as her watch beeped, and she sighed, "Thank god."

Rina tugged at the straps on her apron and pulling it off, shoving it into the backpack she picked off the floor behind the bar. Lillian finished her water and watched as Rina came around the side of the bar.

"Aren't you going to tell anyone you're leaving?" Lillian asked.

"Why? I'm off work. This is someone else's problem now," Rina said.

Lillian followed Rina out of the bistro and towards the parking lot while Rina tried to pull the straps of her backup around her shoulders.

"Slow down, I'm wearing heels," Lillian said.

"Why are you wearing heels?"

"Because I worked today too, remember? I was at a party until about 5. They always make me wear heels, it's one of the few times in my life that footwear has been dictated upon me. Otherwise I'd never wear heels, but princesses wear heels, so I have to wear heels."

"What was the other time footwear was dictated upon you?" Rina asked as they reached her car and she unlocked it, tossing her backpack into the backseat as Lillian headed to the passenger side door and looked over the roof at Rina.

"What?"

"You said this was one of the few times in your life that footwear was dictated upon you. What was the other time?" Rina asked, and Lillian debated momentarily telling her about her mother, and about the beauty pageants, but instead she just shook her head.

"Nothing. Just other jobs, you know," Lillian said, "Forget it."

As the girls piled into the car, Lillian couldn't help but feel like crap. She was only a few weeks into this friendship, and she was already lying to her. What would Vera say?

                                                                           ***

"I always imagine pirates go out of style for some reason," Tyler said, sitting in the booth at the diner and cutting his sandwich in half while Alexis sat across from him, eating soup.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I don't know. Stuff kids like seems to go in cycles, you know? Like for a while all the kids will be into knights and dragons and stuff, and then for a while it's all space oriented, and I just...I guess I haven't seen a whole lot of pirate stuff for a while so I figured it was on the downturn," Tyler said, biting into his sandwich.

"Pirates never go out of style," Alexis said, "That's why I picked it as my costume. Because pirates are always universally cool. Action and adventure, mysterious islands and curses. Kids love shit like that."

Tyler scooted over as Vera sat down in the booth beside him, unscrewing the lid on her thermos and sipping her coffee gently as she looked between the two of them.

"What are we talking about?" Vera asked.

"What the most popular kid characters are for parties," Tyler said, "I was just saying that I'm surprised that pirates are still so highly sought after."

"Are you kidding?" Vera asked, pulling a small black book out of her cardigan pocket with a pen and opening it, "Kids love pirates. It's all excitement and violence. Kids love violence, no matter what someone might tell you. Plus, pirates get to be on their ship and go anywhere they want, do anything they want; kids like that level of freedom, and it allows them to use their imagination. Alex made the best choice of all of you."

"Thank you," Alex said, going back to eating her soup.

"What are you doing?" Tyler asked, nodding to the small black book Vera had pulled out.

"Going over your paychecks for this month," Vera said, "How many parties did you do this month?" she asked, looking up across the table at Alex.

"Like I keep track of that. I'd have to find all the addresses I've been given, and that stuff's all at home," Alex said.

"You guys are useless," Vera said, exhaling annoyed.

"I think Lil's got the most timeless character of us all," Tyler said, "I mean, honestly, a princess is never going to go out of style, especially since the United Kingdom ensures the monarchy will always exist in the real world no matter what."

"That isn't why she's a princess," Vera said, "Trust me, she doesn't want to be a princess, it's just what she's most familiar with."

"...what the hell does that mean?" Alex asked, giving Vera a strange look.

"Ask her sometime. Ask her about her mother. About the pageants. About the women who threw herself in front of the train at Disneyland. It'll make more sense," Vera said.

Alexis looked from Vera at Tyler, who just shrugged.

                                                                             ***

"Are we there yet?" Lillian asked, batting at the beads hanging down from Rina's rearview mirror.

"No, and stop playing with that like you're a cat," Rina said, grabbing the beads and pulling them off the mirror, shoving them into her coat pocket.

"What are they?"

"They're prayer beads," Rina said, "My mom likes me to drive around with them. She thinks driving isn't safe, and she's not exactly wrong."

"Your family religious?" Lillian asked.

"Not really. My mom is sort of, but even then not as much now as she was when we were kids," Rina said, "It's more of a superstitious thing...my cousin was killed in a car accident when I was young, and I guess that just scared her to death, so I've never driven without them."

"Wow, that's screwed up, I'm sorry," Lillian said.

Lillian didn't say anything else until they finally pulled up to a building and parked. Rina got out, as did Lillian, and together they headed inside. It looked like a library, and once they got indoors, Lillian realized that was exactly what it was. She was confused, but curious, so she just followed Rina quietly into the library, until they reached the childrens area, where she saw it.

A circle of chairs, most of them filled with someone, everyone wearing a costume of some kind. Lillian's brow raised in confusion, and she watched as Rina stopped by a nearby bookshelf filled with young childrens picturebooks and watched from afar. Lillian stood beside her and whispered.

"What is this?" she asked.

"It's a support group for people who do dress up," Rina said, "I figured you might find something here that would be of interest to you, even if you don't want to participate. I used to come regularly, back when I did cosplay and stuff. Not so much these days."

"This is wild," Lillian said, "But I don't dress up for fun, it's for work."

"Doesn't have to just be for fun. It's for anyone, with any reason," Rina said, "That includes you, if you have anything you'd like to share or talk about or whatever."

Lillian looked at the group, and she felt a gnawing in the pit of her gut. She wanted to talk. She wanted to talk about her mother, about the beauty pageants, about that day...the day she saw a princess die, but she couldn't do that with strangers. Hell, she hadn't even told Tyler about that stuff yet, and he was basically her best friend. She sighed and looked at Rina.

"...I can't do this," she whispered.

"That's okay, I just wanted you to know you had the choice," Rina said.

"Why'd you even care?"

"Because when we met you told me you were looking out for Maddison's best interests, but is anyone looking out for yours? You wanted to make sure she was okay after what happened, but has anyone ever made sure you're okay?"

"I mean, I have a therapist, but, I don't know," Lillian said, "I guess I just sort of bottle everything up and I never really talk about anything...I just instead want to ignore it, move on, forget about it. Try and pretend none of it is a part of me. But I know that's stupid. I'm the way I am because of what I've gone through...I've never told anyone this, but I used to do child beauty pageants, and I was the best at it. I won all kinds of awards and ribbons and medals and, god, I was the best."

"And?"

"I don't know," Lillian said, leaning against the bookshelf and sliding down, sitting on the floor, Rina doing the same, as she added, "I guess I just like thinking about it because it wasn't something I really wanted to do. It was something my mom was obsessed with, and she kind of made me do it. And then, the last one I ever did was The Little Miss Princess Pageant, and I just..."

Rina pulled the prayer beads out of her pocket and handed them to her. Lillian smiled weakly, taking them and squeezing them tightly as she tried her best to hold back tears, poorly.

"...I had a complete breakdown. I was like 12. Way too young for a mental breakdown, but I lost it," Lillian said.

"Pressure can do that to a child."

"It wasn't the pressure," Lillian said, "It was because, just a year before that, I saw a princess die."

That got Rina's attention.

                                                                             ***

Alexis had left, leaving Tyler and Vera alone in the diner. It was getting later, darker, and Tyler was starting to feel like he should head home himself. He sighed, picked his hat up from the table and set it atop his head before looking at Vera, who had taken Alex's seat.

"I guess I should be getting home," Tyler said, "I have a party in the early afternoon tomorrow. You need a ride home?"

"Naw, I'll be okay," Vera said, scribbling something down on a napkin, still clearly doing bookkeeping; she looked up at Tyler as he got out of the booth and looked down at her, she smiled and stopped writing, asking, "You want me to come over for a bit?"

"I think I'll be okay," Tyler said, "If Lil stops by, tell her I said hi."

"Will do," Vera said, watching Tyler leave the diner. As she saw him get in his car from her window seat, she couldn't help but feel sad. She wanted to go home with him. She'd wanted to go home with him for a while, but he always seemed uninterested, or simply too busy and tired. Vera had liked Tyler for a long time now, but she also knew how messy it could make things, having a relationship with someone whose career she also oversaw. So instead Vera sat in the booth and continued doing her paperwork, slowly sipping the coffee from her thermos well into the evening.

She didn't expect to see Lillian, and she was kind of relieved. She needed a break.

                                                                               ***

"You know," Rina said, "My family has always been supportive of me, so I guess I have a hard time understanding how someone can dislike their family, but you're not alone. Plenty of people want to disown their parents, and from what you've told me, you have genuine reason to do so."

"I'm just mad," Lillian said, looking at the prayer beads in her hand, illuminated by the overhead streetlamps as Rina drove; she continued, "I just wish she'd listened to me once I said I didn't want to do it anymore, and now my entire self esteem is based upon my physical appearance, my self worth tied up in how attractive I am and still being a princess in one way or another. I don't want to be a princess, but it's all I've ever known, really. Beauty and elegance."

Rina wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what to say, so instead she just stayed quiet. Finally, after a few moments, she just whispered, "...you can keep the prayer beads. You need them more than I do."

This made Lillian genuinely smile as she looked out the passenger window.

"Thanks, Rina," she whispered back.

                                                                               ***

Walking through the parking lot, looking for her parents, Lillian couldn't help but feel confused and scared, lost and sad. She held her own hand, to keep herself from feeling like she was alone, but it didn't help much. After a moment, she saw the ambulance start up, about to drive away, when one of the EMTs threw something bundled up in the nearby trashcan. After the ambulance pulled away, lights spinning, siren blaring, Lillian approached the trashcan and looked inside.

She reached inside and pulled out the bundle; a mess of bloody cloth, glitter covered and wet with warm blood. She unwrapped the costume the woman had been wearing, throwing it back into the garbage can, and then she looked at the tiara she'd gotten from the bundle. Still perfect. Still pristine. She put it on her head and then continued looking around, still looking for her parents, feeling a little braver now.

After all...she was a princess, and princesses can do anything.

Even throw themselves in front of trains.

Sitting in the hallway of Froth's Elementary, right outside Maddison's classroom door, Lillian couldn't help but realize just how long it'd been since she'd actually set foot inside of a school. She didn't feel old, but somehow she'd become an adult seemingly overnight, and now here she was, helping a kid when she still felt very much like a kid herself. She looked at the girl sitting beside her and sighed. The girl, a few years younger than her and Japanese/American, smiled at her.

"This is awkward, right?" Lillian asked, and the girl shrugged.

"It is what it is," she replied, "The thing about caring for kids is you'll do anything for them, even stupid awkward things. Learned that after being a babysitter for a long time."

"I never liked talking in class when I was in class," Lillian said, exhaling, making the babysitter, Rina, laugh.

"I was the same way. Model student, except when it came to participating with other students," Rina said, just as the door opened and Maddison popped her head out, looking at them, grinning.

"It's time! Come on!" she said, signaling to Lillian, who merely exhaled, looked at Rina, then stood up and followed Maddy into the classroom.

                                                                             ***

"Do you guys ever come up with backstories?" Vera asked, sitting in the booth at the diner beside Tyler, Lillian across from them in the usual order.

"What do you mean?" Lillian asked, sipping her coffee.

"I mean what I asked. Do you ever come up with backstories for the characters you play at parties and events?" she repeated, "Like, Ty, do you ever think about what it is your sheriff has been through and does that differ depending on what type of situation you go into that day?"

"He's a lone wolf, a rebel, but he has a heart of gold," Tyler said, cutting his sandwich in half, making Lillian chuckle as he continued, "He wants to make kids feel better because his own children died so violently, thanks to a ruthless gunslinger named Rusty Spurs. Rusty was the meanest, cruelest man in the west, often traveling from town to town and shooting horses in the forehead just to see what would happen-"

"Okay, forget I asked," Vera said, smirking as Tyler laughed and bit into his sandwich; Vera looked at Lillian, nodding, and asked, "What about you?"

"I don't know. I'm not really acting, you know? I'm just...there. It's not like a play or a movie or something. I mean, sure, believeability is nice and all, but...you think it really matters?"

"I'm sure it does," Vera said, "I read a report recently from the company that said the more in depth and real the character seems, the more immersive the experience, the more satisfied the child is. They want to truly believe they've met a princess, or a cowboy-"

"Or a pirate?" someone asked, sitting beside Lillian and pulling up their eyepatch, rubbing their eye beneath it.

"Or a pirate, yes," Vera said.

"Hey Alex," Tyler said, swallowing his bite, "You work today?"

"I just got off, but I have another party this evening," Alex said, pulling the pirate hat off her head and setting it on her lap, revealing a large amount of bushy black hair, "So we talkin' backstories, I guess? I sometimes try and come up with something. Gives it a bit more pizzazz, but really it depends on what kind of kid I'm being hired for. Some kids don't give a crap and some kids are really into the whole make believe thing."

"I just never saw this as anything other than a job," Lillian said, shrugging, "Like, I'm no different than a clown or something."

"Like Stinko?" Vera asked, confusing Tyler and Alex, who looked at Lillian, who now appeared irritated.

"What? Who's Stinko?" Tyler asked, half laughing.

"Nobody. I don't wanna talk about him," Lillian said, deflecting and adding, "A magician is hired to do a job, so am I, so there. End of story."

Lillian's watched beeped, and she made Alex get up so she could slide out of the booth and pull her coat on over her costume.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," she continued, "I have a prior engagement to attend to."

As they watched her leave, Alex pulled some leftover fries from Tyler's plate and dipped them into Lillian's still warm coffee mug, eating them.

"She's weird," Alex said.

"Yeah, she's weird," Tyler remarked, rolling his eyes, making Vera chuckle.

                                                                               ***

When Lillian pulled up to the house, she was surprised to see someone was already there. Not Maddison's parents, no, but another car was parked in the driveway. Lillian stepped out of her vehicle and crossed the street, now wearing her regular civilian clothes. She jammed her hands in her coat pockets, her teeth chatting from the crisp breeze, as she headed up the walkway and knocked on the door. It opened, and a young woman, not much younger than herself, stood there. She was wearing jeans, a striped t-shirt and a green jacket. She had long black hair pulled back a bit, and looked to be a mixture of Japanese and American.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Uh, hiiii....my name is Lillian, I'm here to see Maddison, she invited me," Lillian said.

"...okay, come on in," the woman said, stepping aside, "I'm Rina, her babysitter. You know, most people probably wouldn't let their kid be friends with random adults."

"Oh, well, I'm not a random...I mean...my friend worked her birthday party, and when I heard about, you know, what happened, I guess I just sort of made it my mission to check up on her, make sure she was okay."

"...that's very sweet, actually," Rina said.

"You're here!" Maddison said, running down the hall and hugging Lillian around the waist.

"Indeed I am, yes!" she said, laughing nervously, "You didn't tell me you had company."

"She didn't tell me someone was coming, so I guess we're both allowed to be weirded out here," Rina said, sitting at the kitchen table and biting into a cracker.

"Lillian, come with me, I wanna show you something!" Maddison said, sounding excited in a way only a child could; she dragged Lillian by the arm through the hallway, towards, presumably, her bedroom. Upon entering the room, Lillian discovered she was right in assuming it was her bedroom, thanks to the litany of kids clothes strewn across the floor and books and toys all over the place. Lillian sat down on the bed while Maddison rushed to the dresser and grabbed something, then brought it over to the bed.

"My grandma got me this," Maddison said, lifting the lid of the box and showing her essentially a music box featuring a princess spinning round and round to the tune; she went on, saying, "See, she's a princess just like you. I took this into school for show and tell, but they said it wasn't a real princess, and they're not wrong cause she's small and made of glass, but you're a real person."

"...I mean, I think I am anyway," Lillian said, hearing Rina laugh snarkily at her response from the doorway.

"That made me think that maybe I could bring you in for show and tell tomorrow! You're an actual princess, and they'd have to respect that," Maddison said.

"You know I'm not-" Lillian started, but then sighed, nodding, "...okay, I'll come."

                                                                              ***

Alex was sitting outside on the porch of a house, smoking a cigarette, when Lillian pulled up and parked. She got out and walked up to the porch, seating herself. Alex offered her some of her cigarette, but Lillian politely declined.

"How'd you even know where I was?" Alex asked.

"Vera," Lillian said, "She has all our schedules."

"Stalker."

"...I need your help," Lillian said, "You're a writer, right?"

"I dabble," Alex said, putting her cigarette out and pushing it into her shirt pocket, "Why?"

"I need you to help me come up with a backstory," Lillian said, "That thing Vera asked earlier, it really bothered me, because it made me feel like maybe I don't do enough for the kids I am hired to entertain, and maybe I should take more pride in what I do. What's your backstory?"

Alex leaned back, exhaling smoke into the air and clearing her throat, tapping her nails on the cement step.

"I'm an exiled Pirate Queen, always looking to get revenge on the bloodthirsty SOBS who stole my ship, my treasure and left me to rot on a cannibal island," Alex said, "I will not rest until I finally have my revenge, and see my thieving backstabbing shipmates heads impaled upon pikes."

"...that's a little dark," Lillian whispered.

"Kids are sick fucks," Alex said, shrugging, "They love violence, and hey, everyone loves an underdog. Did you have anything in mind for your own backstory? Even something basic we can mesh into something somewhat original or interesting."

Lillian sat and thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Yeah, I was thinking that perhaps I'm imprisoned by a queen of great beauty, one who demands too much of me, who plans to use my rightful rule to the throne for her own nefarious purposes," Lillian said, as Alex watched closely, listening. After a moment, Lillian added, choking back a few tears, "...I hate my mother."

"That's why moms are usually evil in fairytales," Alex said, patting Lillian's back, "Wait for me to finish this job, and we'll head to the diner and work on something, okay?"

Lillian nodded and watched as Alexis headed back inside. As she sat there and watched the world go by, she couldn't help but feel like so much of her life these days was spent waiting for other people, instead of doing anything for herself. Perhaps her therapist was right. Perhaps she was too much of a people pleaser.

                                                                              ***

When Lillian showed up at the school the following morning, she couldn't help but feel anxious.

She'd washed her dress that night, added lots of glitter to it and even shined her tiara. Still...she couldn't escape feeling odd and out of place. She parked in the visitors lot and headed inside, where she immediately spotted Rina pushing in a large cart. Lillian jogged up and helped her get the cart over the first few steps and into the school foyer proper.

"Thanks," Rina said, looking her up and down, "Wow, that's some outfit."

"What are you doing here? Do you babysit all these kids too?" Lillian asked, making Rina chuckle.

"I'm a helper for the cafeteria," Rina said, "I guess you need help finding Maddison's classroom? They're already all in class, but I can take you there anyway."

Lillian nodded, appreciating her help and following Rina down the hall. This school was not the elementary school Lillian herself had attended, and yet it had an odd air of familiarity to it, a stench of disgusting similarity. Did all elementary schools seem the same? Were they made that way to ease the transition of children who had to transfer one to another, so they didn't get too overwhelmed by a new location and new students?

"I feel so stupid," Lillian said.

"Naw, I think what you're doing is cool," Rina said, "Honestly, what you do in general is cool. You make kids days better. That's something a lot of these teachers never manage to accomplish, and that's something they'd be jealous of."

They arrived outside the classroom, and Rina let the cart come to a full stop. She took a seat on a plastic chair outside the door, with Lillian doing the same. Lillian removed her tiara and looked at in in her hands; so shiny, so sparkly, covered in faux jewels and yet still alluring. Reminded her of all the crowns she'd won as a child. She quickly shook that thought from her mind and exhaled, looking around the hallway.

Sitting in the hallway of Froth's Elementary, right outside Maddison's classroom door, Lillian couldn't help but realize just how long it'd been since she'd actually set foot inside of a school. She didn't feel old, but somehow she'd become an adult seemingly overnight, and now here she was, helping a kid when she still felt very much like a kid herself. She looked at Rina, who just smiled at her.

"This is awkward, right?" Lillian asked, and Rina shrugged.

"It is what it is," she replied, "The thing about caring for kids is you'll do anything for them, even stupid awkward things. Learned that after being a babysitter for a long time."

"I never liked talking in class when I was in class," Lillian said, exhaling, making Rina laugh.

"I was the same way. Model student, except when it came to participating with other students," Rina said, just as the door opened and Maddison popped her head out, looking at them, grinning.

"It's time! Come on!" she said, signaling to Lillian, who merely exhaled, looked at Rina, then stood up and followed Maddy into the classroom.

The classroom immediately made Lillian's head become flooded with memories of her own adolescence. Lots of students arts and crafts stapled to the walls, a color sheet on the wall to help kids express their emotions throughout the day, an alphabet chart above the board with a cursive one right beneath it. Lillian took some kind of pride in the fact that this didn't look too different from the way classrooms looked when she was a kid. Made her feel like, perhaps, not much time had actually passed after all. Maddison tugged on her dress, pulling her to the front of the class, in front of everyone.

"This is my friend Princess Lillian!" Maddison said, "She's what I brought for show and tell today. Lillian, tell them about yourself!"

"Uh, hello, my name is Lillian, and I'm..." she looked down at Maddison, and felt a pang of her past, always playing someone she wasn't, but she quickly shook it away, plastered on a smile and looked back at the kids, "My name is Princess Lillian, and I come from the Kingdom of Stromburg! I escaped the clutches of my evil mother today just to come to this show and tell, which wasn't easy, because she's particularly clever. See, she uses my beauty to put the citizens into a trance and do all her bidding! This is why I agreed to come to this little 'show and tell' you all have, was to see if you all could help spread my story and help me free my people from her awful clutches!"

Rina, standing outside the door and looking in, smiled as the kids started laughing and asking questions. She put her hands back on the cart and continued pushing it down the hall towards the cafeteria. She had a job to get back to. After all, they couldn't all be princesses from far off lands.

But she certainly appreciated Lillian's efforts to make the world just a bit more magical, even if only for a few minutes

"This is weird," Tyler said, sitting in the passenger seat of Lillian's car. They'd decided to carpool to save money, and seeing as Lillian was doing better than he was these days, she was the one who offered to drive. She nodded, pulled down the rearview mirror and started applying glitter makeup to her face sparingly.

"It sure is," she said.

"I mean, I guess it's cool, like, for their parents to be this open," Tyler said, "Sure wasn't like that when we were kids, but a lot of things weren't like how they are now when we were kids."

"Progress is both wonderful to see and frustrating that you didn't get to experience it," Lillian said, starting on her eyeliner, "You're happy that so many kids don't have to go through the bullshit we did, but you're also mad that you're not one of them."

"Exactly. Why don't you do your makeup before you get here?" Tyler asked.

"Because," Lillian said, stretching her eye and drawing alone the edge, "if I do it before I come, it has the potential to get smudged, smeared or, on the chance I cry, runny. This way I walk in looking good."

Tyler opened a small container of sunflower seeds and started eating some as he waited for Lillian to finish. He watched her as she did her makeup, and he couldn't help but notice how calm and collected she was. She had this air about her of genuine ease, even if she swore she never felt any, and he was somewhat jealous. After the things he'd recently seen, he'd been anything but at ease.

"Alright," she said, finishing applying her lipstick, "Let's go."

Together they climbed out of the car and headed up the walkway towards the front door. They could hear kids screaming and shouting and hollering, having the time of their lives inside. As they reached the door, Tyler pushed the doorbell, and Lillian adjusted her bangs.

"You look pretty," Tyler said, making her smile.

"Thank you, so do you."

"Oh, you're just saying that," Tyler said, scoffing, making her laugh.

The door opened and a middle aged man with small round glasses and somewhat balding was standing there, his button down dress shirt tucked into his slacks. He looked at them, like he had forgotten they'd been called in for the day, then shook his head as if he remembered, and stepped aside, allowing them entrance into the house.

"Sorry," he said, shutting the door behind them, "Today is...weird. I'm not used to all this screaming."

"I often wear earplugs," Lillian said, "Do you want some earplugs?"

"No," the man said, chuckling, "No thank you, but thank you."

"So, where are we supposed to be?" Tyler asked.

"Well, here's the thing, we have twins, as you know, and we hired one of you for each of them. But, uh, it isn't exactly going to be what you think it is," he said, wringing his hands nervously, making Lillian and Tyler look at one another.

                                                                            ***

"Hey," the father, Clark, said as he opened the bedroom door and found his son, Chase, sitting on the floor and waving a little stick streamer around. Chase didn't look up at his father as he came in, and instead Clark let Lillian into the room to see the sight, and then pulled her back into the hallway.

"What's going on?" Lillian asked.

"Our daughter wanted the cowboy, and our son wanted you," Clark said, "And we don't have a problem with that, but...well, a lot of girls don't mind being rough and rowdy, but...no boys wanted to come to a princess themed party, so while our daughter's out in the backyard with her friends, he's in here...by himself."

"Jesus that's depressing," Lillian muttered, crossing her arms, "Well, I guess I'll stay in there then."

"Thank you," Clark whispered, before turning and heading back out towards the backyard.

Lillian entered the room and sat down on the bed, looking around the room. It was furnished fairly feminine, with a lot of pictures of famous women and girls cut out from magazines and put up on a corkboard on the wall over the desk. Lillian cleared her throat and looked down at the little boy sitting on the floor, wearing a long blonde wig and a sparkly dress, and she felt her heart caught in her throat.

"Hi," she finally said, "I'm Lillian."

"Hello," they said, not looking up at her.

"I like your dress," Lillian said, smiling warmly.

"Thank you," they whispered, almost as if scared of being complimented.

"I'm sorry nobody is here, but I'm here, so...I can be your friend. I think what you're doing is cool," Lillian said, "I mean, it's cool that you do whatever you want and that your parents are letting you do it. I think the fact that nobody came is something you should be proud of, like, you're too cool for them. They're embarrassed cause they aren't as cool as you are."

Chase looked up at Lillian, seated on the bed, and the two locked eyes momentarily.

"It's my birthday, and I'm gonna have a cake, and I don't wanna make a wish cause it never comes true," they said softly, "mom and dad make us say prayers every night but nothing ever comes true, and Santa never gives me what I want, so I don't wanna make a wish on a candle. It isn't fair. Your hair is real, mine is a wig."

"Lots of people wear wigs," Lillian said, shrugging, "Nothing wrong with that."

"I just wanna look like you," they whispered, starting to cry.

Lillian climbed down to the floor and sat beside them, taking off her tiara and looking at it in her hands.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, "I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but...there's nothing I can really say that would truly help. This is something you're going to have to deal with as you get older, and it seems like your parents are okay with it, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't think it's fair, you're right, that nobody would come to your party but people came to your sisters. I don't think it's fair that girls get to like boy stuff and boys don't get to like girl stuff. I know things are changing, but the stigmas are still there. It's going to take a long time before those preconceptions really break down and everything is truly for everyone. But...do you wanna wear my tiara?"

Chase looked at the tiara in her hands, and nodded, wiping their arm on their sleeve. Lillian smiled and plopped the tiara down on their wig, removing the paper crown they'd had on before. She rubbed Chase's back and sat beside them.

"For what it's worth, I think you look very pretty," she said, "And I hope this makes up for having an otherwise lousy birthday."

Just then the door opened, and Tyler was standing there. Lillian looked up at him as he walked into the room and looked down at the two of them on the floor. He looked at Chase, in their little gown, wearing Lillian's tiara, and tipped his hat at them.

"Ladies," he said, making them chuckle, "Uh, your majesty, if I may...now I may just be a simple cowboy and I may not understand your customs and your culture, but if there's one thing I understand it is that family is important, and your sister is requesting your presence."

"She wants me to come out there?" Chase asked.

"Absolutely. She doesn't care what her friends think, she just wants her sibling with her. It's your birthdays, it should be spent together," Tyler said, "She told me she always plays dress up with you, and that's really no more different than this, right?"

"...but they'll laugh at me," Chase said.

"If they laugh at you, then I'll put 'em in the pokey, how about that?" Tyler asked, making Chase laugh and stand up as Tyler added, "Now you run along outside lil' miss, and we'll be right behind y'all."

As Chase exited the room, Tyler held his hand out to Lillian and she took it. He helped her back up and dusted off her dress. She looked at him and smiled warmly.

"That was really sweet, Ty," she said.

"Well," he replied, "it was the least I could do. She told me she wasn't having any fun without her sibling, so I figured I could maybe get them out there together. You should see it, it's quite a sight, a buncha little girls all dressed up in western garb, it's great. Who's to say a princess has no place among them? Besides, after not being able to do anything at the last party...I felt I should do something here."

"...I think I take for granted what I have," Lillian said, "It's so easy to whine and complain and feel sad about what I'm lacking - funds or a real career path or whatever - and I never really think about the fact that just who I am, the way I was born, is something so many people would die to have. The basic essence that is me, my body, is enough to be jealous of, and I think I take my femininity for granted a lot."

"That's understandable," Tyler said, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the room and down the hall towards the backyard. They stopped and watched the kids, Chase included, all running around and playing together. Each smiled, each for their own reasons.

"It ends so quickly. You think it won't, but before you know it it's over, and you're left wondering where it went," Lillian said.

"It doesn't have to though," Tyler said, "That's the thing. So many people see growing up as an unavoidable thing, but really, who says you can't be the same kid you always were just because you're an adult now? It's mentality, more than anything else. What you were saying in the car, about kids having it better and feeling jealous, sure, talk about a fucked up form of hero worship, but...it's for the best. Yes, we could've been happier children, but we're also who we are because of when and how we grew up, and I think you're perfect and I think I'm pretty okay."

Lillian blushed and looked at her glittery shoes, trying not to let him see her tearing up.

"Yeah," she finally said, "It's for the best, you're right. We might not have gotten what they have, but we can enhance what they get, and I think that's pretty important."

"Righty o," Tyler said, sticking his toothpick back in his mouth and winking, "Now how's about we go out there and wrassle us up some grub, lass?"

"You're such a dork," she whispered, laughing, as she linked arms with him and walked out together.

                                                                           ***

Driving Tyler back home that night, Lillian had a million things she wanted to say, but for some reason, the only thing that really kept running through her head was about the kid who'd died at the previous party. The kid they'd watched from across the street. She cleared her throat and looked over at him as he fidgeted with getting his pin on badge off his vest.

"You remember that girl, you know...the party where-"

"Yeah, I try not to think about that," Tyler said.

"Sure, fair, I just...I can't stop thinking about that poor kid," Lillian said, the car slowing to a crawl as she pulled up to Tyler's apartment. He sighed and undid his seatbelt before looking at Lillian, nodding.

"I know, I can't either, and I was the one who was there," he said, "but you can't let it run your life. If you let it overtake you, it'll eat you alive inside. Thanks for driving me."

"Anytime," Lillian said, watching him get out and head on into the apartment. She gripped the steering wheel, then pulled away from the curb and started to head back to the house they'd been to before.

                                                                              ***

She didn't mean to fall asleep there, but when the sun woke her up the next morning, she was surprised that she'd allowed herself to sleep in her car. Drool running down her lip, she groaned and shifted, realizing she was still dressed like a princess. Then she heard the tapping on the window, and screamed. As Lillian looked over, she saw the little girl from the lawn staring inwards at her.

"...are you gonna kidnap me?" she asked.

"Uh, no?" Lillian replied groggily.

The passenger door opened and the little girl climbed inside, shutting it behind her. Lillian looked her up and down, and noticed she was wearing a girlscout uniform.

"...what time is it?" Lillian asked, and the girl checked her watch.

"It is 2pm," she said, her braids bouncing as she looked back to Lillian from the watch, "I noticed your car here this morning, and it was still here when I got back from scouts. My mom told me not to get into cars with strangers, but you don't look dangerous."

"...thanks?" Lillian asked, as she pulled her rearview mirror down and started wiping off her makeup with a box of tissues she had in the backseat, "ugh, I'm sorry, I...my friend worked your party, and he was there when..."

"Yeah."

"Yeah. I guess I was just worried how it might have effected you. I know it's weird, we don't even know one another, and I'm not a mom or anything, but-"

"You're a princess," the girl said, "If you were a mom, you'd be a queen."

Lillian chuckled at this, then looked at the girl, and held her hand out.

"I'm Lillian."

"I'm Maddison," she said, shaking her hand firmly.

This little girl was very mature for her age, and this took Lillian by surprise.

"Aren't your parents worried you-"

"They aren't home. They don't get home until really late on weekends," Maddison said.

"...I need coffee," Lillian said.

"And donuts!" Maddison said, grinning.

"Right, and donuts, can't have one without the other," Lillian said, turning the car on and taking off down the street as Maddison buckled her seatbelt; Lillian glanced at Maddison, who was looking at her badges on her sash, and asked, "so, you're in girlscouts?"

"Mhm," Maddison nodded, "were you ever in the girlscouts?"

"Nah, I was in ballet classes and stuff," Lillian said.

"That's neat," Maddison said, "And now you're a princess?"

"Only for birthday parties," Lillian said quietly.

"...you can't be a princess every day?"

This was something Lillian had never really questioned, but it made her uneasy to think about. To be a princess every day would be like giving into her mothers idea of perfection, especially in regards to beauty. She'd had enough of that while growing up, and she felt gross enough projecting that kind of beauty to children as it was.

"Do you want some donuts?" Lillian asked.

"I like bear claws," Maddison said.

"And coffee?"

"My mom won't let me drink coffee," Maddison said.

"Probably for the best. What about cocoa?"

"I like cocoa!"

Lillian smiled and nodded.

"Cocoa it is," she said.

She suddenly didn't understand why she had been so worried. This child was more than well adjusted.

So what did that say about her then?